Talk:James P. Hagerstrom/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Zawed (talk · contribs) 10:16, 29 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]

I will review. Generally this is pretty good, but there are several tweaks that could be made to the prose to tighten it up. Initial comments:

Infobox

Birth/death dates in infobox inconsistent with body of article.
- Unfortunately, there's no easy way to fix this because the template only supports single dates; what do you think about just including the month and year in the infobox? ~HueSatLum 14:53, 29 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  - I would go with the way you have presented the dates in the lead, using the backslash. NB, the infobox says July for Dod, lead says June. Zawed (talk) 09:17, 30 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]
    - I would do that if I could, but that would mess up the metadata and calculated age. Corrected to say June because I can't count. ~Hue Sat Lum 04:14, 31 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Lead

"He rose to the rank of colonel". This short sentence is a bit jarring. How about adding his rank to the start of the lead, i.e Colonel James Philo..., and you can do away with it altogether?
- Done. ~Hue Sat Lum 14:53, 29 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]
spelling: New Guniea
- Corrected. ~Hue Sat Lum 14:53, 29 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"before moving to Korea in 1950"; this makes it sound like he moved there to live. Perhaps rephrase to something like: "After the war, he flew with the Texas Air National Guard. By 1950 he was commander of a squadron which was mobilised to Korea following the outbreak of the Korean War."
- Good idea; fixed. ~Hue Sat Lum 14:53, 29 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"...Hagerstrom stayed with the Air Force ..."; suggest rephrasing to "Hagerstrom remained in the Air Force"
- Done ~Hue Sat Lum 14:53, 29 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Early life and education

"..when he was thirteen and got the opportunity to experience a short flight..."; this could be more concise, for example, "...when he was thirteen he had a short flight..."
- Shortened. ~Hue Sat Lum 14:53, 29 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]

World War II

I feel the first two sentences need to be slightly reorganised: "...he enlisted in the U.S. Army Air Force...". Of course, this affects the following sentence so "formally sworn into the air force." (or USAAF, which ever you prefer)
- Fixed. ~Hue Sat Lum 04:14, 31 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"Hagerstrom spent about six weeks with his older brother Robert, who was concurrently in basic training." Suggest rephrasing to "Along with his brother Robert who had also enlisted, Hagerstrom spent about six weeks in basic training." Do we know when his brother enlisted?
- The source doesn't specify, but if this source is to be relied on and it is the right person, he enlisted in January 1942 and was later KIA. ~Hue Sat Lum 04:14, 31 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]
What unit was he in while at Mrytle Beach?
- 20th Pursuit Group. I've added this detail. ~Hue Sat Lum 04:14, 31 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"After that, in late September, he and about forty others were sent to San Francisco, California for the 8th Fighter Squadron of the 49th Operations Group." Suggest rephrasing to: "In late September he was posted to the 8th Fighter Squadron of the 49th Operations Group and sent to San Francisco, California." Then "After staying at the Mark Hopkins Hotel, he and forty other personnel..."
- Done. ~Hue Sat Lum 04:14, 31 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Needs a sentence to state that the squadron was being sent to Aussie and what aircraft it flew (later in this section the 8th is described as being a P-40 squadron but I think this should introduced earlier. Also that Wurtsmith was commander of 49th Group, otherwise there is no context for why he was ordering a refresher session.
- Both done. ~Hue Sat Lum 04:14, 31 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]
There is some inconsistency as to how you mention the squadron in its shortened form; 8th FS, 8th. I prefer 8th FS, but it should be introduced as a abbreviation after the squadron is first mentioned in its full form.
- I've switched all to 8th FS and introduced the abbreviation. ~Hue Sat Lum 04:14, 31 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"...attacks, with little activity." Suggest rephrasing to: "...attacks, but saw little action."
- Agreed. ~Hue Sat Lum 04:14, 31 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"...getting in firing..." Suggest rephrasing to "...getting within firing..."
- Done. ~Hue Sat Lum 04:14, 31 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"Following a mission and..." Mission? Not sure what you trying say here?
- I'm not sure either; it was the same mission. ~Hue Sat Lum 04:14, 31 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"...an attempt to rescue two P-38s escorting bombers..." I think rescue should be assist - I assume they were under attack from the 10-15 enemy aircraft? Otherwise I'm not sure why the P-38s needed rescuing.
- Changed. ~Hue Sat Lum 04:14, 31 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Postwar

"...was discharged.": Suggest "...was discharged from the air force." (or USAAF).
- Added. ~Hue Sat Lum 04:14, 31 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"Soon after, on a Sunday, he was ..." Suggest "He wanted to complete his studies and soon after..."
- Done. ~Hue Sat Lum 04:14, 31 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"...and commander of the 111th." Suggest "...and appointed commander of the 111th."
- Changed. ~Hue Sat Lum 04:14, 31 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]
The final few sentences of this section need to be revised clarify the Korean war had already started by time he request a combat tour. Why did he need instruction in Nevada? I presume it was for converting to F-86s?
- The source says it was for "gunnery school," so I have added that bit and about the war already starting. ~Hue Sat Lum 04:14, 31 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Korean War

It needs to be clarified that the 334th FS was part of 18th Wing and perhaps mention that not all the wing were equipped with the F-86. This would provide better context for the transfer to Osan.
- Both done. ~Hue Sat Lum 01:42, 5 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Antung Airfiled should be explicitly mentioned as being an enemy base. This gives context for the boxed quote.
- Mentioned. ~Hue Sat Lum 01:42, 5 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"...six MiGs in no formation..." In no formation? Not sure what you are trying say here?
- I was trying to say that they weren't flying in formation and not organized, but on second thought it doesn't seem relevant, so I removed it. ~Hue Sat Lum 01:42, 5 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]
"Before the Air Force sent him back to the U.S...." I'm not that familiar with the Air National Guard. Is Hagerstrom in Korea as part of that or did he transfer to the air force (and it is the air force at this stage, not the USAAF? If so, mention the United States Air Force in full on first mention). This may affect the lead as well.
- It is the Air Force, as the USAAF was dissolved shortly after WWII. He entered the war in the National Guard but when he transferred to the 334th FS he also transferred to the Air Force. I've clarified this there and in the lead. ~Hue Sat Lum 01:42, 5 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Some inconsistency in presentation: United States (earlier in the article) versus U.S. (here and below). Also half kills .5 versus the half symbol.
- I switched everything to U.S. as it should be familiar enough that it doesn't require introduction. Also switched to x.5 kills. ~Hue Sat Lum 01:42, 5 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Later work

Should state that he stayed in the air force.
"He led a..." suggest "He commanded a..."
"...he was sent to Vietnam..." suggest "...he was posted to Vietnam..."
- All these done. ~Hue Sat Lum 01:42, 5 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Retirement and death

"They returned..." suggest "They eventually returned..."
- Added. ~Hue Sat Lum 01:42, 5 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]

References

The books are lacking place of publication
- Added. ~Hue Sat Lum 14:53, 29 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Three references should be listed in the bibliography: Hammel, Werrell, Haulman
- Moved there and converted to {sfn}. ~Hue Sat Lum 14:53, 29 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]
The Sherwood 1998 bibliography entry includes the pages cited; I don't think this needs to be there as the page numbers are cited in the references
- Removed. ~Hue Sat Lum 14:53, 29 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Other stuff

Several duplicate links: malaria, North American P-51 Mustang, William T. Whisner, Jr. 8th Fighter Squadron
- Mustang and malaria removed; however I believe Whistner's mentions are far enough apart and with different context that he should be linked twice, and 8 FS is linked for a second time in the credits table, so I think it should remain linked again because it is an entirely different section. ~HueSatLum 14:53, 29 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  - That's fair enough. Zawed (talk) 09:17, 30 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Image tags look OK
No dab links
External links check out OK

Happy to discuss any of the suggestions I have made here. I still have to finish checking the prose and will get to this in the next few days. Cheers. Zawed (talk) 10:16, 29 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for taking this review. I am quite busy at the moment, but I will address these as soon as I can. ~Hue Sat Lum 12:46, 29 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]

I have finished off my review of the prose. I might have missed a few things and will pick these up (or fix them myself) once you had a chance to consider my suggestions above. Cheers. Zawed (talk) 09:17, 30 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]

I have addressed most of your suggestions and will pick up when I have more time. ~Hue Sat Lum 04:14, 31 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Apologies, I forgot about continuing this and thought the ball was in your court. I have addressed the remaining issues. ~Hue Sat Lum 01:42, 5 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]

HueSatLum, this is looking good, I have made a few minor tweaks myself going through the article again. The only matter still requiring attention is the dates in the infobox. I suggest dropping the days altogether and using the Birth year and age template (and its death equivalent). These both allow you to use the month as a parameter. At least that way we get a reasonably accurate age on death. The alternative is to not use a template at all and just write it manually. I didn't see anything in the MOS for the infox template against this. Zawed (talk) 23:45, 7 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]

I have switched it to just month and year using a variant of that template. Thanks, ~Hue Sat Lum 23:59, 7 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]

All good, have passed as GA. Good work. Zawed (talk) 01:24, 8 February 2014 (UTC)[reply]