Talk:James John Joicey/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: The Rambling Man (talk · contribs) 11:01, 13 April 2020 (UTC)[reply]

Comments

Great, thanks, very helpful. Comments below without replies have been implemented in the article; replies/explanations have been added where relevant. (Apologies for the dashes, I did check a number of times while working on this article last year but the wrong ones do seem to keep creeping in!) ~ RLO1729^💬

"an enormous collection" slight tone issue there, I would go for "extensive" perhaps.
No need to link common terms like "museum".
"held in private hands" held privately.
"and to have numbered " no need for "to have" here.
" of the following learned societies: " no need for this at all.
" by the Natural History Museum, London. " no need to link London. And perhaps say "in London" rather than ", London."
Not keen on the formatting of that quote in the lead, just put it inline? And I would attribute it too.
" of Major William James Joicey, a " etc, no external links inline please.
"née Clark.[7][8][5] " ref order.
"1921-1932[1][2][3][4]" en-dash, not hyphen. And four references??

The references cover each of the four volumes of the Bulletin and provide links to them all in one place for easy reference. ~ RLO1729^💬

"at The Hill in " that is one heck of an Easter egg link.

Agreed, link removed. ~ RLO1729^💬

In footnote [a], "He is also listed in London electoral registers from 1920 to 1925 at Marble Arch as Admiral Joicey." is unreferenced.

Thanks, reference added. ~ RLO1729^💬

"at age sixteen he " either "at the age of sixteen" or "at sixteen" sounds more natural to this BritEng ear.
No need to link British. I'm not even particularly convinced you need to link butterfly but since the article relates, I can let that one slide.
"Europe, India, China, Japan, Burma and America"" no need for all these to be linked. Common geographical places.
"£10,000 a year " any chance of inflating this so we can judge it against today's standards?

Value estimates added. ~ RLO1729^💬

"(council member 1920—1923),[20][16] " ref order and that should be an en-dash, not an em-dash.
"be a man of leisure" a little colloquial for an encyclopedia.

Revised text. ~ RLO1729^💬

"the exorbitant interest rates" again, a little POV in tone.

Deleted "exorbitant". ~ RLO1729^💬

"By 1919, Joicey was spending nearly £10,000 a year on the collection..." you already said this.

Deleted. ~ RLO1729^💬

"Mr. Joicey was also generous" the article has quite a few quotes, in different formats. This one, who said it? I'm not sure how much it adds to the encyclopedic content of the article.

Deleted quote. Other quotes attributed. ~ RLO1729^💬

"head keeper" what's that?

Revised to "head curator". ~ RLO1729^💬

If you wish to link estate, do it on the first usage.
"aged 61.[41][42][14]" ref order.
"The primary object " no attribution for this quote.
"assistants.[51][6]" ref order.
"c.1913" space after circa. I think using the {{circa}} template enforces this.
"1918—1920 endash not emdash again.
""over eighty feet long by twenty feet wide"" not sure why this needs to be in quotes. It's pure fact.

I would like to leave this as a quote as it is the estimate given by the author of the cited source and may or may not be accurate. ~ RLO1729^💬

feet/miles/inches, all could use conversion to metric.
"Joicey Collection Examples" examples lower case.
Type (biology) is overlinked.
" London.[14][58][46][59]" ref order.
"295-301" etc, page ranges should be en-dash, not hyphen.
Same for year ranges, e.g. "1929-1940" in the refs.
"Obituary - Mr. J. J. Joicey - Gifts to " en-dashes. Check others.

All dashes checked in Source View. ~ RLO1729^💬

That's a first quick pass. Once we've addressed these issues, I'll give it a more thorough going over. So, it's on hold for now. The Rambling Man (Stay indoors, stay safe!!!!) 11:11, 14 April 2020 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks again, let me know if I've missed anything. Looking forward to the next iteration. ~ RLO1729^💬 14:06, 14 April 2020 (UTC)[reply]

Still a few external links being used inline there... The Rambling Man (Stay indoors, stay safe!!!!) 14:44, 14 April 2020 (UTC)[reply]

Fixed, thanks. Also thanks for your recent direct edits. ~ RLO1729^💬 15:06, 14 April 2020 (UTC)[reply]

"his 1922 book on" this is still an inline external link.

Hmmm - missed it because it doesn't show as an external link on the page and its URL doesn't start with http. Fixed now. ~ RLO1729^💬

"The Bulletin of the Hill Museum, 1921–1932[1][2][3][4] and Alfred George Gabriel[55] published " feels like something is missing from here, e.g. "with". And there probably needs to be a comma after 1932. I would also move [55] to the end of the sentence because with the red link and the mid-sentence ref, it looks unpleasant.

Revised. ~ RLO1729^💬

"Butterflies from the Joicey collection i" this is a fragment so no full stop. Also, for consistency, shouldn't that be Collection rather than collection?

Done, and made all "collection"s lower case as there isn't really an entity called the "Joicey Collection". ~ RLO1729^💬 00:31, 16 April 2020 (UTC)[reply]

The Rambling Man (Stay indoors, stay safe!!!!) 14:26, 15 April 2020 (UTC)[reply]

There was an issue with references which I HOPE I've fixed. Please do double check that I haven't blown anything. Otherwise, I'm more than happy with this so I'm promoting now. Cheers, good work. The Rambling Man (Stay indoors, stay safe!!!!) 08:40, 16 April 2020 (UTC)[reply]

Many thanks. I've checked and everything seems in order. Your edits have been very helpful and it has been a pleasure working with you. ~ RLO1729^💬 08:49, 16 April 2020 (UTC)[reply]