Talk:Jacqueline Fernandez/GA2

GA Review

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Reviewer: Pavanjandhyala (talk · contribs) 16:30, 12 September 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Shall start the review soon. Pavanjandhyala (talk) 16:30, 12 September 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Lead

Fernandez at the launch Gillette's new range — launch of Gillette's new range. Also requires the time (month and year)
.....she is the recipient of an International Indian Film Academy Award. Is it IIFA Award for Star Debut of the Year – Female, or something else?

Acting career

.....and she played the Princess Jasmine character — not exactly, isn't it? I think you can rephrase it to something on the lines of she played a role similar to that of Princess Jasmine.
.....a girl from Venus, who lands on Earth in search love — search of love.
Sridevi, Mithun Chankraborthy, and the film Hum can be wikilinked in Sukanya Veram's review of Jaane Kahan Se Aayi Hai.
major economic success — commercial is a better term than economic.
The article states that Murder 2 is a turning point in Fernandez's career. Then, an image of the actress related to Murder 2 can be used instead of the one related to Race 2. That would be much relevant.

Instead of that I ~~would prefer to~~ Have added an image related to Aladin. -- Frankie _talk 07:48, 13 September 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Who from TOI reviewed Murder 2?
Use a better word than "undaunted" for Jenny Frenandez's character in Brothers.
Are all her upcoming films are in development stage? Considering what her filmography says, is suggest you to rephrase it as As of September 2015, Fernandez has several projects in various stages of production.

Personal life and other work

Mention what PETA stands for.
Is there any info available about the portal where Fernandez auctioned her costumes?

Every source I see is "an online portal". Although sources said that she'd announce that on the social media, it never happened.

In the media

For Eastern Eye's list, i suggest you to end the sentence as for the years 2008 and 2011.
Delink TOI in the line Fernandez was ranked third on The Times of India‍‍ '‍s listing of the "Most Desirable Woman" in 2013 and 2014, after being ranked eighth, seventh and fourteenth, respectively, for the preceding three years.

References

Fernandez's twitter page is not advisable for use, especially when third party reliable sources are available for the same.
Fix Ref no. 18

Dunno what was wrong with that as it worked perfectly fine. Anyway, I've replaced the source. -- Frankie _talk 09:09, 13 September 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Ref no. 103 is dead
Link Anupama Chopra, Raja Sen, Rajeev Masand, Taran Adarsh and Subhash K. Jha at the first mention using authorlink parameter in the references.
Mention author for ref no. 52.

Conclusion : Overall, i find this article definitely eligible for being listed as a Good article. I've listed my concerns above and i expect the nominator FrB.TG to resolve them within a reasonable period of time. Till then, i keep this article on hold . Yours sincerely, Pavanjandhyala (talk) 16:51, 12 September 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you Pavan. Your review, which I believe is your first, was quite helpful. -- Frankie _talk 18:06, 12 September 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Further comments

Reading through now...♦ Dr. Blofeld 10:41, 13 September 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Lede

You should tweak to "Bahraini-Sri Lankan actress", she seems to have spent years in Bahrain, not just birthplace.
"she is the recipient of the IIFA Award for Star Debut of the Year – Female. " -when?
"born into" is fair enough but "raised into". Try "Fernandez was born into a multiracial family of Canadian, Sri Lankan and Malaysian descent, and was raised in Bahrain."
"glamorous" -are we using American or British English?

I think it's both used for Am and Br English.

Can we find a way to reword "major ... success"?

Early life

Do we have the city of birth? Presumably Manama?
"Although, she was raised in Bahrain, she said she originally lived in Sri Lanka." -um, if she was born and raised in Bahrain not sure how she could have originally lived in Sri Lanka. Can you find when she moved there?

I have simply removed the sentence, and haven't mentioned when she moved to Sri Lanka because it says that she won Miss Sri Lanka so that would be quite obvious she were in Sri Lanka.

""a passion for cultures and language"" -attribute or paraphrase

Simply redundant, removed.

"Fernandez first gained recognition with her appearance in a music video for the song "O Sathi" by Sri Lankan music duo Bathiya and Santhush.[" -this doesn't belong at the end of a section, "first"m you'd expect at the beginning of a section.

Instead of shifting, I have removed recognition, as it wasn't a very noticeable appearance.

Acting career

"In 2009, she traveled to India for a modeling assignment. She" -rep of "she"
Avoid Taran Adarsh quotes, he's a joke critic, I strongly suspect he's paid to say all of the gushing things he says. IMO his reviews should be blacklisted from wikipedia.
"Considering her role to be "cool"" -not sure how that's encyclopedic.
" Taran Adarsh of Bollywood Hungama found her "easy on the eyes"." -I'm sure he did, as well as an asset to his bank balance...
Spotting further Taran Adarsh reviews further down and mass overlinking of both. Really, remove them. It's time he was blacklisted from here, everything from him reads as puffery. You must surely be able to find other half decent reviews from newspapers.
"critic Rajeev Masand " -freelance or for a newspaper?

He was already introduced above (Rajeev Masand of CNN-IBN).

"was criticized by critics." -a bit repetitive -poorly received critically?
Delink second instance of Raja Sen. Go through the article and watch out for other examples of WP:OVERLINK.
"A review carried", did the weight of the review hurt his back carrying it;-)?
" has also completed " -repetitive, reword.

Personal life and media

"According to Fernandez, she has "move[d] on" and is "in a great space now."[76]" -why is this encyclopedic?
"also sent a letter " -repetitive
"she auctioned a breakfast" , as you do, can you elaborate/add a footnote?

Sources don't have much to talk about it. I added it from whatever I got.

Specializes. Are we using Am or Br English?
Gilette is wrongly linked and spelled, try Gillette (brand)
Did we forget to italicize L'Officiel?

My honest opinion is that the prose needs work before this is promoted. It lacks the polish of similar articles and I find it a bit repetitive in places— it doesn't read quite as encyclopedic as it could. I think some of the quotes have a degrading effect on quality rather than an improvement. Give it an edit, especially remove the gushing Adarsh quotes and replace and I'll look at it again.♦ Dr. Blofeld 11:17, 13 September 2015 (UTC)[reply]

@Pavanjandhyala: I've finished!♦ Dr. Blofeld 11:19, 13 September 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks, Dr. Blofeld. I appreciate FrB.TG for his honest efforts and at the same time, you listed a few concerns, out of which i did not consider initially. I opine that the prose will surely be OK once these issues are addressed. I also apologise to FrB.TG for prolonging the process with my inexperience. The article remains on hold for now and i hope that the issues can be solved with ease soon.

Pavanjandhyala (talk) 12:34, 13 September 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Certainly, that was quite good. Also, Pavan, you really don't need to apologise to me for prolonging it. A quick undeserving pass is not what I want. Even if it takes weeks, I won't mind. Doctor, I have copy-edited the prose, which I neglected while expanding the article. Also, Pavan, don't feel belittled, I think it was a very good review, given that it's your very first. -- Frankie _talk 14:06, 13 September 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Yes I agree, there wasn't anything wrong with his review. Admittedly when I do see an article in which I think the prose needs some work I tend to shy away from wanting to review it. That was why I didn't want to review it when asked. But Pavan did ask several times. I also don't want to put you off contributing, it's a decent effort, which with some editing should be a pass :-).♦ Dr. Blofeld 16:13, 13 September 2015 (UTC)[reply]

@Pavanjandhyala: and @FrB.TG: Yes, it looks much better now. I'm still not convinced on the encyclopedic value of some of the quotes, but it's acceptable now I think. Good job.♦ Dr. Blofeld 15:28, 14 September 2015 (UTC)[reply]

GA review – see WP:WIAGA for criteria

Is it reasonably well written?
A. Prose is "clear and concise", without copyvios, or spelling and grammar errors:

B. MoS compliance for lead, layout, words to watch, fiction, and lists:
Is it factually accurate and verifiable?
A. Has an appropriate reference section:

B. Citation to reliable sources where necessary:

C. No original research:
Is it broad in its coverage?
A. Major aspects:

B. Focused:
Is it neutral?
Fair representation without bias:
Is it stable?
No edit wars, etc:
Does it contain images to illustrate the topic?
A. Images are tagged with their copyright status, and valid fair use rationales are provided for non-free content:

B. Images are provided if possible and are relevant to the topic, and have suitable captions:
Overall: Passed, my queries were met and solved by the nominator.
Pass or Fail:

IMHO, the article is eligible for a good article status now and hence i promote this article. Though the prose is okay for GA requirements, i suggest you to get it copy-edited by a GOCE member soon. Yours sincerely, Pavanjandhyala (talk) 15:37, 14 September 2015 (UTC)[reply]