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Talk:Jack Parsons/GA1

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GA Review

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Reviewer: Jamesx12345 (talk · contribs) 20:57, 8 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]

This looks like an interesting one to review, even though it was nominated 20 minutes ago. Jamesx12345 20:57, 8 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for taking it on, and hope that you enjoy reviewing it! Midnightblueowl (talk) 21:07, 8 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Intro

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  • The first sentence might read better as "rocket propulsion researcher and chemist, and Thelemite occultist." I was confused for a second, even though it makes perfect sense.
  • "wealthy upper-middle-class" could possibly be condensed to "wealthy" for the intro, as it is elaborated on later on.
  • There's nothing in the intro about his alma mater, although I don't think it matters.
  • "went through various jobs while being prevented from working in rocketry by the developing climate of McCarthyism" - "after his security clearance was revoked due to the developing climate of McCarthyism, he was unable to work in rocketry" or something like that might be more readable.
  • "Parsons died from mortal wounds sustained in an explosion" could just be "Parsons died in an explosion"

Bio

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  • "Learning of their daughter's predicament" - I think this can be omitted altogether, or perhaps replaced with a few words clarifying that they are Ruth's parents.
  • George Pendle can be linked
  • "an individual who shared his interest in science fiction and rocketry but who was from a poor working-class family" - an individual from a poor working-class family who shared his interest in science fiction and rocketry" - sounded before as if he was interested in rockets despite his background.
  • "Independently" - could be confusing - independently of what? The "alone" later in that sentence could be changed to independently if it is removed from the start of the sentence.
  • "With the onset of the Great Depression however their fortune began to dwindle" - "With the onset of the Great Depression their fortune began to dwindle."
  • "and focusing his attentions on the field of chemistry" - I'm not sure "the field of" is necessary - maybe "the study of"?
  • "with materials that he had stolen from work, with Parsons corresponding with the German rocket scientist Wernher von Braun." - split up to "with materials that he had stolen from work. Parsons corresponded with the German rocket scientist Wernher von Braun ..." - I think there is more to say on the correspondence with von Braun, but I can't remember at the moment.
  • "pursue his interests in classical literature" - I've always thought classical literature was Greek and Roman, and I don't think that is what it is meant to mean.
    • No, your assumption was right; Parsons was into the whole Greco-Roman thing. Perhaps that partly explains his love of the god Pan in later life, and his general interest in the polytheistic views of Thelema. Midnightblueowl (talk) 22:22, 10 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "His employers then sent him..." - It doesn't specifically mention that he got a job when he dropped out of school.
    • It states that he was employed by the Hercules Powder Company in the preceding paragraph. We can always rephrase this if you prefer ? Midnightblueowl (talk) 22:22, 10 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]
      • I hadn't realised it was the same employer. It makes sense reading it again, but perhaps some clarification would be good.
  • "but nevertheless still found it too expensive, returning to Pasadena" - "but nevertheless found it too expensive and returned to Pasadena." (maybe)
  • Caltech is introduced in the intro, but it's probably a good idea to have it here as well.
  • Egalitarianism could be linked, as could anti-capitalism and pacifism as they are more than just dictionary definitions.
  • Major (United States) could also be linked in the sentence about Parson's father.
  • "dangerous nature of some of their experiments, attracting attention from the local press" - "dangerous nature of some of their experiments, and attracted attention from the local press." - unless the attention was for being named Suicide Squad.
  • "as well as his fiancee Claire Palmer" - it's unclear if this is the fiancee of Parsons or McMurtry.
  • "Although a quarter of this funding went on repairing damage to Caltech buildings caused by their experiments..." - I thought this was very funny.
  • "sought comfort in Smith, entering into a relationship" - it was complicated without there being two different people named Smith.
  • "sexual relations with a large number of women, including Claire, the girlfriend of McMurtry" - Claire was a fiancee before she was persuaded to convert - I think?
  • "where Smith undertook his magical retirement" - not the clearest way of saying it.
  • astrological could be linked.
  • Soon, a science-fiction writer named L. Ron Hubbard moved in to 1003" - "Soon, science-fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard moved in to 1003" - Hubbard is probably famous enough to be introduced in this way.
  • "Crowley collection" - is this the collection with which he decorated his room? If so, that could be clearer.
  • Israel could be linked as there is something made of its history.
  • "a number of Parsons' colleagues rejected this explanation, noting that he had been very safety cautious and that he would never have been so reckless" - "a number of Parsons' colleagues rejected this explanation, noting that he was very cautious about safety."
  • "Within several days however reporters had discovered his involvement in Thelema and the Agape Lodge, and made this the emphasis of their sensationalist articles." - "However, within several days, journalists had discovered his involvement in Thelema and the Agape Lodge, and made this the emphasis of their reports." (maybe)

Other

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  • "the fear of hurting others, and the fear of insecurity, but he insisted that these must be overcome. He wrote that "The Will must be freed..." - "the fear of hurting others, and the fear of insecurity. He insisted that these must be overcome, writing that "The Will must be freed..."
  • The link to the Cameron-Parsons Foundation should be made into a footnote - not that it bothers me, but in-line links are frowned upon. George D. Morgan should be unlinked as well on the same grounds.
  • Ref 155 doesn't appear to work for me.
  • The Thelemapedia link doesn't appear to add anything not already present here.
  • Some of the image captions could be more precise, or removed altogether. I'm not sure about the "Rocketry was an early passion of Parsons" caption or image, and "L. Ron Hubbard became Parsons' good friend but ultimately broke from him" does not reflect the fact that he also took his money :-). "Parsons gained work on the program to develop the Navajo missile" doesn't say much either, nor the JPL logo, but the rest are fine.
    • I've edited all of the captions down quite a bit. I appreciate that some of the images, like that of the Navajo Missile, aren't terribly relevant, but I could not find any images that were more relevant while at the same time being free use. As for the Parsons caption, I've gone for "Parsons was friends with L. Ron Hubbard (pictured)" but am more than happy to change it if someone has got a better suggestion. Midnightblueowl (talk) 23:26, 10 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]

I've read through it once thoroughly, and will have another look at in the the next few days. Thank you to both of you for responding so quickly. Jamesx12345 23:14, 9 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you so much for doing this, James. It is much appreciated! I hope that you found the article interesting. Midnightblueowl (talk) 23:26, 10 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]
I was happy to pass it a few days ago, but JJARichardson was still working on it. A superb article overall, it now flows very nicely and contains a commendable level of detail. Jamesx12345 23:34, 17 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you James. I'm delighted with the progress of the article and really appreciate the quickness and thoroughness of your review. JJARichardson (talk) 23:50, 17 January 2014 (UTC)[reply]

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