Talk:Ivan Jones (Emmerdale)/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Glimmer721 (talk · contribs) 19:41, 9 June 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Will review soon. Glimmer721 ^talk 19:41, 9 June 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Comments:

"The character is a Geordie and the actor had to put the accent on." → "The character is a Geordie, which required the actor to adopt the accent."
"Brocklebank has praised his storyline and spoke of his hopes that it would remove the social stigma attached to bisexuality." Change to bolded word.
"She lies that Ivan has been having an affair with her; ruining his relationship with Paul." Comma, not semicolon
"The character caused controversy when 126 viewers complained to television watch dog Ofcom; about Ivan and Paul's intimacy." No semicolon or other punctuation mark there.
"Although, he also had letters from young lesbian and gay people who claimed that Ivan gave them the courage to be themselves." Although → However
Lead: linke camp
"One such moment is a flirtation with Jasmine Thomas (Jenna-Louise Coleman); as they bond over her liking of the Brontë novels Wuthering Heights and Shirley." Either replace the semicolon with a common, or remove "as".
"Although the actor did think it was "great" to be given "such a meaty storyline"." → "However, the actor did think it was "great" to be given "such a meaty storyline"."
Link monogamist
"Though Paul attempts to come to terms with the situation and attempts to dump him." Sentence fragment; I would just remove "Though", which is making it a subordinate clause. Also, "attempts" is used twice in the sentence.
"Ivan later has to decide if he is ready for a gay relationship; while Paul weighs up the risks of getting hurt by Ivan." Semicolon should be a comma.
"When Paul is set upon by a group of homophobic men..." "Set upon" is kind of ambiguous. Something more specific would be "attacked" or "tormented", depending on what happened. Also, consider linking homophobic.
"Paul then invites Ivan out for dinner with his father, but he is not ready to come out." I assume the "he" refers to Ivan, but as Paul is the subject of the sentence the "he" is ambiguous. Also, I would link come out.
"Brocklebank explained the dynamic between the two characters, Paul finds it "extremely difficult" to be in a secretive relationship because he wants different things in a relationship." The comma would work better as a colon.
Link drag
"Brocklebank said that Ivan feels "upset and betrayed"; and..." No semicolon needed
"Ivan arrives in the village working as a binman for "King & Sons"; just after he has separated from his wife." No semicolon
"However, when Nicola arranges a meal that they both attend; they get drunk and flirt." Semicolon should be a comma. Also, is "they" refering to Paul and Ivan, or Ivan and Nicola (or all three)?
"When Paul does his drag queen act, Thelma Louise in the Woolpack,..." → "When Paul does his drag queen act "Thelma Louise" at the Wolpack,..." (Is there a link for "Wolpack"?)
"Rodney thinks that Ivan and Paul should get back together and at a seventies themes night and lets the whole pub know." → "Rodney thinks that Ivan and Paul should get back together and lets the whole pub know at a seventies-themed night." (Is the fact that it's a seventies-themed night really relevant?)

Putting on hold for 7 days while issues are addressed. They are pretty minor; the article is pretty impressive. Glimmer721 ^talk 17:05, 11 June 2012 (UTC)[reply]

I have addressed each point made in the review. I have linked each word suggested. I removed the reference to a seventies-themed night taking place at the time. I am not sure why I used a semicolon so frequently. That will be one to watch out for from now on.Rain the 1 23:35, 13 June 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Passing now. A general tip is to make sure whatever comes after the semicolon can stand on its own as a sentence. Glimmer721 ^talk 00:54, 14 June 2012 (UTC)[reply]