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Talk:Ismail II/GA1

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GA Review

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Reviewer: Amitchell125 (talk · contribs) 07:21, 24 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]


Happy to review the article.

Review comments

[edit]

Lead section / infobox

[edit]
  • Consider linking vassals; chroniclers.
  • Link Safavid Iran in the infobox.
  • If the information is not controversial, there is no need to have the citation in the infobox.
  • Amend his influential sister, Pari Khan to ‘Pari Khan’, as she has already been introduced.
  • and treated her with lack of appreciation despite her efforts to made him king could read ‘and had her arrested, despite her efforts to made him king’ as it seems too mild a statement.
  • Unlink Mohammad Khodabanda in the third paragraph (it’s a duplicate link).
  • Ismail is not remembered fondly by the contemporary historians who considered him – I would simplify this to ‘Contemporary historians considered him’.
  • perverted – ‘sexually perverted’? (there are different kinds of perversion)
It's not clear what the source meant by perverted (although Ismail was a known homosexual, so perhaps this comes from that)
  • The modern historians – ‘Modern historians’.
  • I would add a comma after unusually ruthless.
All done

More comments to follow. Amitchell125 (talk) 10:01, 27 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]

1 Early life

[edit]
  • Tabriz should be linked here, not in the section below.
Unlinked the next mention and linked this one
  • he enjoyed the affection from his father needs copy editing to something like ‘he had all his father’s attention’.
Done
  • Courage and valour are the same thing, so only one is needed.
Amended
  • he was appointed – ‘Ismail was appointed’ (it’s a Wikipedia thing).
Done
  • evidences show that he was supported – ‘he was evidently supported’ sounds better imo.
Done
  • Link Tahmasp I; Peace of Amasya.
Done
Added the map of Shirvan
  • a great victory - ‘a great victory’ (not all readers might consider to be be great).
Sorry, can you be more elaborate on what should I do here? Should I delete 'great' or should I put it in apostrophes?
Apologies, I meant change it to 'a victory'. Amitchell125 (talk) 07:55, 28 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]

2.1 Governor of Herat

[edit]
  • Link homosexuality; open secret; zealotry (Zealots); consenting (Consent).
Done
  • his male lovers - ‘with male lovers’?
Done
  • bitter fraud is presumably ‘bitter feud’... :)
Amended it
  • flinging with seems imo too informal for the article, I would replace it with something like ‘sessions with’ or ‘time spent in the company of’.
Changed with sessions

2.2 Imprisonment

[edit]
  • Unlink Haydar Mirza in the third paragraph (duplicate link).
Done
  • Check your image captions throughout the article, many of which should end in a full stop (see MOS:CAPFRAG).
Done
  • among them being – amend to ‘mainly based upon’.
Done
  • Tahmasp ordered Ismail's allies in the court to be eliminated – I would provide a date here, as a date in included further down the paragraph.
Can not determine a date because the source hasn't give one
  • I think It didn't take long before the shah could be simplified to ‘The shah’.
Amended it
  • Tahmasp seems to be influenced by his grand vizier, Ma'sum Beg Safavi, who was also the lala to Haydar Mirza, his favourite son, to take this decision. - 'Tahmasp seems to be influenced by his grand vizier, Ma'sum Beg Safavi, (who was also the lala to Haydar Mirza, his favourite son) to take this decision.'.
Done
  • changed every two years – consider amending to ‘replaced every two years’.
Done
  • intimate to - ‘intimate with’
Done
  • Link shackles; opium; castellan; musketeers.
Done
  • Simplify given more freedom of action as he could to ‘allowed to’.
Done
  • who as of yet haven't appointed a crown prince makes no sense.
It means that Tahmasp did not have a clear successor and no one knew which of his sons he wanted to succeed him
Aah, please could you amend the text to say more clearly what is meant? Amitchell125 (talk) 16:34, 28 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]
Changed it to 'who did not desire to appoint any of his sons as the crown prince' Amir Ghandi (talk) 10:31, 29 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]
  • for a future king and targeting him are both redundant and can be removed.
Done
  • The sentence starting There was two candidates… is too long, and should be broken up into shorter sentences.
Done

3.1 Familial purge

[edit]
  • Link coronation.
Done
  • at the same day – ‘on the same day’.
Done
  • and killed him – replace him with the man you mean.
Done
  • (optional) Consider using numerals for numbers greater than nine (e.g. thirty thousand).
Done
  • Both paragraphs are long, and imo make heavy reading because of it. I would split the first paragraph at A coronation party… .
Done
  • During the three months after his enthronement, a date insisted by Ismail for an auspicious day needs copy editing to something like ‘Three months after his enthronement, on a day that Ismail insisted was auspicious’.
Amended it
  • shown – ‘showed’,
Done
  • one reign of terror even unusual for - ‘a reign of terror that was horrific even by’.
Done
  • his brothers in the most merciless cruelty – ‘his own brothers, who were mercilessly and cruelly killed.’.
Done
  • were put to death – ‘were all put to death’.
Done
  • their execution, in 5 March - ‘their executions, on 5 March’.
Done
  • Add a comma after region of Kandahar.
Done
  • feeding – ‘to feed’.
Done
  • example – ‘an example’.
Done
  • Makhdum after long discussion had convinced the shah – ‘After a long discussion, Makhdum convinced the shah’.
Done
  • his three - ‘ Mohammad’s three’.
Done

More to follow, it's a great read. AM

3.2 Death

[edit]
  • Unlink Sunnism (duplicate link).
Done
  • Link hegemony; shrine.
Done
  • He organised a set of qurchis – this very long sentence should be split into shorter ones.
Done, thoughts?
Looks much better. AM
  • Amend Pari Khan Khanum, Ismail's sister to ‘Pari Khan Khanum’, as she has already been introduced.
Done
  • felt a lack of appreciation – this strange phrase could do with a bit more explanation. Did she complain? What actions caused her arrest?
Done
  • his male lover – there are different terms being used here. The boy is referred to as a companion earlier in the paragraph, not a lover. I would replace his male lover with ‘the boy’.
Done
  • Consider amending a natural occurrence to ‘natural’.
Done
  • many historical accounts accuse - ‘many historians have accused’ is better.
Done
  • I would start a new paragraph at On the morning… .
I already started a new paragraph after adding the new information on Pari Khan Khanum
  • His infant son, from one of his concubines, was instantly murdered and he was succeeded by his blind brother, Mohammad Khodabanda. The multiple pronouns here make this difficult to read. Consider amending the text to something like ‘Soon afterwards, Ismail’s infant son, the child of one of his concubines, was murdered. Ismail was succeeded by his blind brother, Mohammad Khodabanda.'.
Done

4 Historiography

[edit]
  • Link chronicles.
Done
  • Add a comma after disastrous.
Done
  • Walther Hinz, the German historian, consider - ‘The German historian Walther Hinz considers’. (Note my version doesn’t have commas either side the name. Commas have been included throughout the article in this way, but they commas are not needed.)
Done

5 Coinage

[edit]
Done
  • Is there a link for mesqal?
I have already linked it in Imprisonment section

6.1 Notes

[edit]
  • Ismail recurrent raids to the Ottoman territory despite - ‘Ismail’s recurrent raids upon Ottoman territory, despite’.
Done
  • Full stop after Peace of Amasya.
Done
  • barsh – ‘Barsh’.
Done
  • kill the addiction by addicting the addicted to – I would suggest you replace this with something like ‘counteract the effect the drug by causing the person to become addicted to’.
Done

6.3 Bibliography

[edit]
  • There is a url available for Akopyan - here.
Done
  • This section shouldn't have words in capital case, e.g. THE SAFAVID PERIOD.
Done
  • There are two different spellings for Parsadust.
Done

On hold

[edit]

I'm putting the article on hold for a week until 5 November to allow time for the issues raised to be addressed. Regards, Amitchell125 (talk) 17:53, 28 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]

@Amitchell125: All done Amir Ghandi (talk) 11:03, 29 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]

Passing

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Another interesting article by you is now promoted. Congratulations! Amitchell125 (talk) 14:13, 29 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]

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