Talk:Hurricane Odile/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Hurricanehink (talk · contribs) 04:45, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]

~~"Odile gradually weakened as it tracked across the length of the Baja California Peninsula, briefly tracking" - don't use "track" twice. Switch it up.~~
- I think "crossing" works here. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 05:36, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
I did some minor copyediting to the 2nd and 3rd lead paragraph. Please check to make sure I didn't change the meaning unintentionally.
- Your good, Hink. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 05:36, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
My screen squishes the text in the MH between the table and the loop. Could you move one of them?
- That was by design, but I just removed the landfall template. I don't think either of us are fans of that template anyhow. YE ^Pacific ^Hurricane 05:36, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  - You could still include it in the "preparations" section, which is bare now. ♫ Hurricanehink (talk) 17:39, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
"a large area of thunderstorms developed in association with a trough of low-pressure;" - was this the same as the tropical wave you mentioned it earlier? If so, say "wave" again (as a wave is a just a trough)
- Done. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 05:36, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
Similarly, you say "a surface low" and "low-pressure area". Aren't these also the same?
- Yes. I don't see the problem here though given that the "low pressure area" is what was forecast to occur. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 05:36, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
~~"A continued increase in storms and organization" - do you mean "thunderstorms"? If so, you should change it to avoid confusion with "tropical storm"~~
- Done. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 05:36, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
"Despite these developments, wind shear caused the storm's center of circulation to remain displaced from the bulk of convection.[8] As a result, further intensification was slowed." - merge these
- Better? YE ^Pacific ^Hurricane 05:36, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  - No... try merging the sentences by rewriting them, not just with a semicolon. ♫ Hurricanehink (talk) 17:39, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
    - Reworded. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
"Following the formation of an eye,[14] Beginning a phase of rapid intensification, Odile attained Category 2 intensity on the Saffir–Simpson hurricane wind scale at 00:00 UTC on September 14. " - something happen?
- Yes :P I think I tried to combine two sentences here and messed up when I was copyediting this. Made it two separate sentences again.
"Even though additional intensification was forecast,[16] intensification leveled off thereafter as an eyewall replacement cycle, common in intense hurricanes, began to run its course,[17] which helped the storm rapidly grow in size." - this whole sentence is jargony and confusing. Please reorder and keep it simpler.
- I cut the growing in size part out since that contradicts the next sentence (a system growing in size is going to have its pressure drop during an ERC, and there are plenty of examples of that). YE ^Pacific ^Hurricane 05:36, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  - Even though additional intensification was forecast,[15] intensification leveled off thereafter as an eyewall replacement cycle, common in intense hurricanes, began to run its course. - still problematic though.
    - Good call, fixed. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
"Despite these indications" - what about the previous sentence implied some sort of negation? The average reader doesn't know that.
- I'd assume the reader would think leveling off in intensity would be a negative based on how the previous sentence sounded, but I tried to clear it up. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 05:36, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
" Odile made landfall near Cabo San Lucas as a strong Category 3 hurricane at 04:45 UTC on September 15 with winds of 125 mph (205 km/h) with a central pressure of 941 mbar (hPa; 27.79 inHg)" - don't use two "with"s
- Good call. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 05:36, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
~~"weakening it ~~down~~ to a tropical storm by September 16"~~
- Cut out. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 05:36, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
What do the alerts mean in the preparations section?
- I know we've run into this before, and I'd love to get a link to clear this up, but haven't had any luck. With that said, the "yellow"/"green"/"blue" stuff is in quotes so I don't think it's too problematical. YE ^Pacific ^Hurricane 05:36, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  - Actually added something regarding this to tropical cyclone warnings and watches
    - Thanks. If you go for FAC, I'd give a little more detail to these warnings. It's fine for GAN though. ♫ Hurricanehink (talk) 17:39, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
~~"Following the ~~aforementioned~~ sudden shift in the projected track"~~
- Removed. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 05:36, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
"Throughout the peninsula, 164 shelters were opened,[38] which can accommodate 30,000 people.[37] However, only 3,500 persons used these shelters." - merge these
- I did, but I feel like I made a mess out of the whole thing. YE ^Pacific ^Hurricane 05:36, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  - Nah, it's close though. I'd change the ending to capable of harboring 30,000 people but used by only 3,500. ♫ Hurricanehink (talk) 17:39, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
~~"At the time of landfall, hotels in the state were at 46% of capacity, equal to 30,000 tourists, 26,000 of which were foreigners." - use "whom", not "which".~~
- Sure. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 05:36, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
"After entering the Gulf of California, a "red" alert was declared for Hermosillo." - missing subject in the sentence
- I don't see the problem here. "alert" is the subject. YE ^Pacific ^Hurricane 05:36, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  - The "alert" entered the Gulf of California? :P ♫ Hurricanehink (talk) 17:39, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
- Good call, revised. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
~~" Roughly 214 people"~~
- Changed. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 05:36, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]

That's up to the end of evacuations. Let me know if any of these are confusing. ♫ Hurricanehink (talk) 04:45, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]

"Heavy rains partially associated with the storm brought flooding to Oaxaca resulted in two fatalities" - bit of a garden-path sentence, with some confusing structure. How were the rains only partially associated with the storm? Also, be more direct with your wording, ie "killed two people". Ditto with "two people were killed due to high waves"
- Meh, after looking at the source and replacing a dead link, I axed the "partially related" part. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
"a nine-year old was swept away in a river while a company worker was struck by lightning." - use "and", not "while", as the latter implies it happened at the same time.
- Done. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
"Due to a combination of high waves and storm surge, 69 buildings in Acapulco were damaged" - reword to avoid passive voice.
- Changed "were" to "sustained". Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
"After making landfall as a major hurricane, Odile deluged much of the peninsula with heavy rains." - you should clarify the BCP somewhere in here, as you've only mentioned it as the section title so far in the impact section. You could also merge with the following sentence, when you clarify how much rainfall occurred.
- Clarified and merged. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
Link Santiago, Baja California Sur and Bahía de Loreto
- Done. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
"Due to the ~~aforementioned~~ rains and wind" - don't use self-referencing. Ditto later w However, the aforementioned rainfall
You should write out "the UK"
- Done. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
", although many of the stranded were evacuated to shelters,[53] though one of the shelters collapsed due to overcrowding" - this should be split from the previous sentence. It's an interesting bit
- Done. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
"although one person perished on a flightback due to a heart attack due to the stress the storm created" - this could be rewritten to be cleaner and avoiding the two "due to"s.
- changed on "due to" to "via". Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
"Offshore, eight fishermen were rescued." - this doesn't make as much sense where it's placed, and I'm wondering what your structure is for the impact section. It seems like you're trying to go geographically, but given how small the area was that had severe damage, you should probably order it by the type of impact.
- Yea, it's done by geography. Ordering by a type of impact doesn't make much sense since that would lead to me jumping around a bit. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
"In Vizcaino, 3,500 farm workers were evacuated." - how come this isn't under preps?
- Because I assume it's not, given the date of the source. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
"due to road closers" - closures?
- Fixed. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
"Repairs to bridges near Todos Santos and Puerto Chale totaled MXN$500 million ($32.14 million USD)." & Following the disaster, about 500 workers were deployed to provide 2,000 groceries to victims. - aftermath?
- The former isn't, but the latter is IMO. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
For better flow, you should have the Bahía de los Ángeles and San Ignacio bits in the same paragraph, as they were both isolated due to the storm.
A total of 10,000 homes sustained damage, 1,800 of which were demolished. - this makes it sound like they had to be demolished. Use active voice :) It'll make it clear that Odile caused the damage.
- Since I couldn't re-phrase the second part well, I outright mentioned Odile caused the damage. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
"A minimum of 63% of all 760 schools in the southern portion of the peninsula were damaged." - so why not say "At least X # schools... were damaged"?
- Meh, done. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
"Five people were directly killed due to the hurricane on the peninsula, including a 62-year-old man who died in Santa Rosalia, who perished when trying to cross a river, a man who died of a heart attack in La Paz,[71] and a South Korean mining executive whose car was swept away due to flooding." - this could be split up, since you have details. Also, why is a heart attack here a direct death, but the heart attack death on the plane not considered a direct death? If you're unsure, put the plane death here, but don't include them as direct deaths if you're not sure.
- I just removed "directly" and replaced a couple references. Tbh, I think we need to get out of this habit of direct/indirect deaths as it's OR-esque. And before you ask, I'm not counting the death on the flyback since that wasn't actually on the peninsula. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
"In Monterrey, four people perished, three of which died along the outskirts of the city in a car that was attempting to cross a creek; two children were also missing in this incident." - please clean up
- Better? Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
[1] - use NCDC for some more info for US. For example, rainfall totals and wind gusts in California
- I thought SD would suffix as it is, but added a bunch of stuff. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
and several uncharacteristically powerful thunderstorms - the "uncharacteristically" seems odd wording. unusually would work just as well
- Swapped. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
The first two sentences in Arizona say "Odile brought..." - try switching up one
- I changed one, but I don't like how that's worded too well. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
"In Eloy, six warehouses were damaged, including four that were destroyed." - why not just say "four warehouses were destroyed, and another two were damaged"? You should emphasize the most serious impacts first in a sentence.
- Fair enough, just a habit from doing WPAC articles. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
You should merge the Arizona sentences on the San Pedro River for better flow.
- They are already 1 sentence, although I cut a part out to flow better. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
"a peak total of 4.13 in (105 mm) fell Mogollon" - I'm guessing you're talking about rain? And how come you include the other rainfall totals? No other state has multiple totals, especially this low.
- Clarified and removed
"Moisture from the storm significant drought relief to southern New Mexico" - missing word?
- Fixed. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
How come you don't have a link to the Storm Data?
- It's links have a habit to go dead. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
Since New Mexico's section is currently just a lot of rainfall information (or lack thereof), you should move the one death that occurred in the state to that paragraph. Then, when you mention the Lake Austin, Texas death, just focus on that one. Or, if you want, have an intro paragraph to the US section that covers the broad impacts.
- Did the former. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
"In the aftermath, looting was extensive, and martial law was declared." & "In all, three people were arrested due to looting." - merge these bits of info, and reword "extensive" (which wasn't in the source). Three looting arrests is notable, but not extensive.
- The context of the source makes it hard to find a descriptive word without crossing the OR line, but I did my best.
"Tax cuts were also given to all citizens of the nation." - I'm not sure that's true. Double check Google translate
- Re-worked. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
"Towards the end of the year, most of the facilities in the aforementioned Wild Canyon amusement park returedn to normal." - typo and "aforementioned"
- Fixed. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
"Elsewhere, in Sonora, a state of emergency in 21 municipalities." - missing word
- Nah, I was missing two words :P Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
"The Mexican Red Cross collected 163 t (163,000 kg)" - since it's the first usage of this unit, you should write it out.
- Fair enough. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
"in part due to the efforts of 1,080 persons" - I noticed this elsewhere in the article. How come you say "persons" instead of "people"?
- To mix it up, but since you asked, I changed it to "people". Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
Capitalize "red cross"
- Done. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
"The Mexican Association of Malta set up 170 temporary shelters to evacuee the victims" - Did you mean "evacuate"?
- Yes, fixed. Y E ^Pacific ^Hurricane 21:28, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]
In general, watch for duplicate linking.

That's it for now. Hope none of this is too difficult or arduous. Nice work with the article. Lots of good research. ♫ Hurricanehink (talk) 17:39, 16 August 2016 (UTC)[reply]