Talk:How to Save a Life (Grey's Anatomy)/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Aoba47 (talk · contribs)15:33, 9 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Grabbing this for a review. Aoba47 (talk) 15:33, 9 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Waiting eagerly! NumerounovedantTalk 15:42, 9 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Lead and infobox

I do not believe that the infobox image is necessary for a reader’s understanding of this episode. Remember that Wikipedia’s policy encourages the use of non-free images only when absolutely necessary and when illustrating a point. I would suggest removing this as it does not add much to the article (a majority of articles about television episodes that I have seen either do not use screenshots or only use them when the scene attracted significant critical attention or illustrates a point in the episode’s production and/or filming).
I find the phrase “the death of the male lead character of the series” to be a little awkward. I always viewed the show as more of an ensemble cast (but that is just my opinion as a lot of the reaction to this episode does place him as the lead”. I would rephrase it to the following: “the death of the series’ male lead character” just to tighten the prose.
I would place Patrick Dempsey in parenthesis as you do with the actors and characters in the body of the article for consistency.
The first sentence of the lead’s sentence paragraph is awkwardly constructed and could use revision so it flows better. There are a lot of ideas placed into one sentence and it may be beneficial to break this up into two sentences to convey this summary more succinctly. You could use something like as follows: “In this episode, Derek is involved in an accident while attempting to help the victims of a car accident. He is later pronounced brain dead, in part due to the surgeons not providing him with a CT scan in enough time.”
I am not sure I like the phrase “second-rate hospital”. To my knowledge, the hospital was a smaller facility, and not a trauma center and was unprepared and ill-equipped for cases like Derek’s. Yes, the hospital was not the best, but I think you can reword this to make it sound stronger and communicate the idea better. I have removed the phrase completely in my suggested revision; this is an explanation on why I did so.
You use the word “episode” quite a bit in the lead. I would advise you to use some variety in your language here.
Link Samantha Sloyan in the lead. I would reword it to as follows. “It also marks the first appearance of Dr. Penelope Blake (Samantha Sloyan).”
I would recommend splitting the last sentence of the lead’s third paragraph into two, with one sentence focusing on the mixed reviews from critics about Derek’s death and the other about praise for Pompeo’s performance.
Be consistent with your use of either “Derek” or “Shepherd”. You use “Derek” in the second paragraph and “Shepherd” in the third paragraph. Please pick one or the other and stay with it for the entire article.
I do not believe the quote in the lead about Pompeo’s performance is necessary, but if you are going to keep it, then you will need to add a reference to it (the reference may be in the body of the article, but quotes in the lead still need references. That’s why quotes are usually avoided in the leads.)
Link Samantha Sloyan in the infobox.

Plot

The word “intercut” is one word. I would add “and is” in front of this to say “and is intercut with scenes…”
I would remove the reference to “Ellis Grey” in the first sentence of the “Plot” section as she does not make a physical appearance and simply say: “The episode begins with a flashback of Meredith Grey (Ellen Pompeo) being lost in a park when she was five”
The second sentence of the first paragraph of the same section is awkwardly phrased and needs revision.
Avoid the repetition of the word “call” in such close proximity
I would suggest re-reading through the “Plot” section to avoid awkwardly constructed sentences. I will point out a few places but there is a lot of areas where the prose is severely lacking. I would encourage you to place a request for this at the Copy-editing guild after my review is completed. I believe the prose in this section is too weak for a GA.
I would suggest including the names of the car crash victims and the actors who played them. It seems odd to name people in the infobox and not include them in the “Plot” section”.
The transition “while doing so” is very weak and should be revised.
I would suggest combining the first two paragraphs of this section.
Revise “transported to a the”.
Rather than say to “a nearby medical healthy facility at Dillard”, just use the actual name of it: “Dillard Medical Center”.
I did not think the Dillard Medical Center was “crowded”, rather it is a smaller facility, and not a trauma center and was unprepared for trauma cases. This should be mentioned as it is important to the plot.
I would include the name of the lead neurosurgeon (Dr. Cohn) and the actor who played him and the doctor who made the call against giving Derek the CT scan (Paul) and the actor who played him. They both should also be included in the infobox as guest stars as they both play important roles in the episode.
In this section, you do not name Penny at all and she is very important in this episode so the absence of a specific reference to her is very jarring. You need to mention two things: 1) that she was the one who wanted to make the call for the CT scan and backed out of it and 2) that she was the one to apologize to Meredith. Both instances are important and brought up later on in the show.
The phrase “in tow” is unnecessary and too informal.
The information about the music should be removed as it is more appropriate for the “Production” section where it is already discussed.

Production

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The third sentence in the first paragraph is not necessary as you already established these actors guest starred in this episode. The only reason you would mention them again here is if there was further information provided about them in the production phase. Besides, TV.com is not the best source.
I would suggest adding something about how Sloyan would later reprise her role for an arc in the following season.
The episode title should always be in quotations, and should not be in italics.
The phrase “when during an interview” is incorrect; it should be “during an interview”
The quote about Dempsey leaving Grey’s in the second paragraph has an extra space and quotation mark and I do not believe the quote is necessary. You should paraphrase this.
The first sentence of the third paragraph needs to be revised. I am not sure what you mean by it.
The third paragraph is almost all quotes. Please paraphrase and only use quotes when absolutely necessary. This extends to the article as a whole. Only use quotes when the exact words are important, but paraphrase as much as you can to avoid making a “quote farm”.
I would combine the middle three paragraphs into one large paragraphs as they are all focusing on Dempsey’s exit and his reaction.
The beginning of the first sentence of the fourth paragraph is awkwardly constructed and needs to be revised.
The phrase “about losing Dempsey from the series” sounds a little too overly dramatic for me. I would revise this for a more encyclopedic tone.

Reception

Add a comma after 9.55 million; it should be comma instead of a period
Do not link to The Big Bang Theory twice. Unlink the second reference.
The first sentence of the “Reviews” subsection needs revision.
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I would suggest that you revise the “Reviews” subsection. Right now, this section appears to be listing reviews rather than making a strong narrative. I would suggest looking at the following resource here for some pointers on how to correct this section. I like how the second and third paragraphs are centered around praise for Pompeo and the shock from Derek’s death, but I would suggest thinking more critically about your use of quotes and your sentence construction. I would be beneficial if you could add a topic sentence to the fourth paragraph along the lines of critics expressing surprise at the decision to kill one of the original characters. I am not sure what you are doing with the first paragraph, but you can rework it to be general praise for the episode. Let me know if this makes sense as the reviews/reception section is always the most difficult to put together in my opinion.

References

Please be consistent with your date formats. You do some year-month-day and others month-day-year.

Final comments

@Numerounovedant: I was never a fan of Derek so his death in this episode didn’t really bother or impact me at all lol. I can tell you put a lot of work into this article, so great job with that. The main issues I have are with the prose (a lot of awkward sentence constructions and typos) and the organization of the “Reviews” subsection. I will look through this again once you address my review. I know I gave a lot of comments, but I want to be as comprehensive and helpful with this as I can be. Hope this helps. Aoba47 (talk) 17:08, 9 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

@Aoba47: Thanks for being so thorough with the early comments. I'll also take a moment to apologise for putting up what I now think is a premature nomination. I just wanted to get over with the episode, and it was getting harder looking up the reviews and sources with every passing day. I haven't had a proper chance to work through the plot section (major parts of which were not written by me). I will go through it again, keeping your comments in mind and try to improve the prose quality. Same with the reviews section. Again Thanks for being a great sport, and the amazing person that you are, the inconvenience caused is genuinely regretted. NumerounovedantTalk 17:46, 9 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

@Numerounovedant: Don't worry about it. I think we are all guilty of rushing into a nomination on here; I have definitely been there before. And I agree that it was best to work on this article while the episode is still relatively fresh in people's minds and before any resources about the production or reception are removed. Let me know when you are finished looking through my review as I know if we work together on this that we can get this to the level of a GA. Aoba47 (talk) 17:52, 9 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

@Numerounovedant: If you would prefer, I could also fail this so you can work on it on your own time. Just want to give you that option as well. Aoba47 (talk) 20:21, 9 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

@Aoba47: Yes that would be better, it's going to be a while. And its easier to work away from time restraints. NumerounovedantTalk 03:14, 10 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you for letting me know. I will be giving this a ✗ Fail Let me know when you have updated this and I will be more than happy to review it again. Aoba47 (talk) 04:20, 10 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]