Talk:Hermann Alfred Tanner/GA1
GA Review
[edit]The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
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Reviewer: RoySmith (talk · contribs) 19:11, 2 November 2023 (UTC)
Starting review now. As a general comment, I've written an essay, WP:LANGCITE which I think would be valuable here. To be clear, the suggestions I make there are not WP:GACR, just my personal thoughts. RoySmith (talk) 19:11, 2 November 2023 (UTC)
- Thanks, I'm excited to work with you! - I have added translated titles, and quotes with translations to the ones that I could put in without having to copy the entire thing.
General comments
[edit]Lead
[edit]- Include dates of birth-death up front per WP:FIRSTBIO.
- Done - F
Career
[edit]- The first sentence is hard to read. I would re-phrase it to eliminate most of the commas. Putting all the citations at the end of the sentence would also make it flow better.
- Bifurcated - F
- I know this is an odd thing to say, but to my native American ear, "Simon" is a man's name, which makes the juxtaposition of "Romansh mother Simon Tanner" awkward. My first scan got me to "Romansh mother[2]", at which point it felt like the end of the sentence, with "Simon Tanner" introducing another person. It took me a while to realize I had parsed it incorrectly. I'm not sure what to do there; her name is her name.
- An "and" was left out - oops! Fixed now - F
Tanner completed secondary school...
At this point, it's not clear if "Tanner" means Hermann Tanner or Simon Tanner. In a paragraph talking about multiple members of the same family, it works better to switch to using first names, so "Hermann completed secondary school...".namely Latin, Ancient Greek...
, delete "namely"In 1901, Tanner helped his father... becoming its first managing
What you mean to say is "Tanner became its first managing...", but there's so much distance between "Tanner" and "becoming", the subject-verb relationship has become unclear.- Done x3 - F
- Rephrase things to avoid the repetition of "was also" in two consecutive sentences. More generally, you use the phrase "was also" many times in the article. A more varied vocabulary would make for more enjoyable reading.
- wikilink Swiss Army and First World War.
- I think setting off the long
a serious, highly trained officer ...
quote with {{blockquote}} (as you do further down) will make it easier to read, although {{Text and translation}} might be better. according to historian Piotr Bednarz
, I think this is pl:Piotr Bednarz (historyk), in which case add a cross-wiki link.- Maybe wikilink "patent"?
- All done - should I replace the second quotation with a {{Text and translation}} as well? - F
Personal life
[edit]Tanner was for a period a friend of the mountain climber Christian Klucker
makes me wonder what happened to end the friendship. Maybe just drop "for a period"? Also, you don't need "the" before "mountain climber".- Done - F
Works
[edit]- Not seeing any problems here
- Frzzl that does it for me for now. Work on the issues I noted above and ping me when you're done so I can do another pass. RoySmith (talk) 20:03, 2 November 2023 (UTC)
- Sorry for being a bit late, done the suggested. - F
Second pass
[edit]- I took the liberty of making some edits to the first two paragraphs of Career. Let me know if you are OK with these changes.
- As for {{blockquote}} vs {{Text and translation}} I think the later works better in this case. Whichever you decide to use, use the same one for all your quotes. BTW, I should mention that I'm in awe of how many languages you have mastered. Other than my native English, I have enough Spanish to use a bus map or order a meal in a restaurant. I regret that I didn't apply myself harder when I was studying the language in school.
- In the lead, you've got
He was also a supported of the constructed language Occidental
. I assume that's supposed to be "supporter"?
- I made another edit to remove a few more extraneous also's.
That's it for now. Overall, I think this is a very nice article and I don't see any reason I won't be able to approve it once you've made this last set of changes. RoySmith (talk) 01:17, 3 November 2023 (UTC)
- Thank you very much! (although I must say, "mastered"'s maybe pushing it a bit haha) - replaced the blockquote; thank you for introducing me to this new template - I like the look of it much better + I don't need to worry about whitespace! Typo's un-typoed. I like the feel of the new Career opening better: I caught a typo and moved the refs to the ends so as to not leave it bare - thanks for eliminating the also-s.
- I see that you've navigated FAC before, so may I ask: what steps would you recommend to get an article like this to FA? Frankly, I'm terrified of the process, so I'm not sure. Should I use a Peer Review or something? Frzzl talk; contribs 01:52, 3 November 2023 (UTC)
- I'll be approving this in a moment. Thanks for writing about this interesting piece of history. As for FA, well, there's a lot to say about that! I've got a draft of what I hope will become a Signpost article about it some day, so watch that space. I would definitely start with a peer review, for sure. If you haven't found it already, you might want to read over my FAC to get a feel for the process. One thing that'll probably be significant is checking your references. For this GA review, it was pretty much AGF that the sources supported what you wrote. For a FAC, they'll go over them in exquisite detail; @Eddie891 would be able to give you better advice than I can about how that process would deal with sources that are mostly not in English. RoySmith (talk) 14:58, 3 November 2023 (UTC)
The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.