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Talk:Herbert Charles Wilson/GA1

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GA Review

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Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Reviewer: HJ Mitchell | Penny for your thoughts? 01:34, 22 August 2010 (UTC) Okay, i'll have a read through it and then I'll have some initial comments for you. :) HJ Mitchell | Penny for your thoughts? 01:34, 22 August 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Initial review

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All comments based on this version Whisky drinker | HJ's sock (Mistake? let me know) 03:19, 22 August 2010 (UTC)[reply]

General
Done. Connormah 04:07, 22 August 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • The whole article needs a comma audit. There are commas in weird places, commas where there shouldn't be etc. You need to go over all of them and ask what each one is doing.
  • Use of "physician" vs "doctor" needs to be consistent
  • Can you come up with more interesting and detailed captions for the images?
Lead section

My immediate thoughts are that it's not long enough and doesn't really meet WP:LEAD. The lead is supposed to provide a summary of the article—think of it as the whole article, just condensed to about a fifth of the size as opposed to an introduction

(Hopefully) addressed by Wehwalt - I think it does a pretty good at summarizing the article. Connormah 04:41, 22 August 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Looks good. I'll work my way through the rest of the article now. HJ Mitchell | Penny for your thoughts? 16:16, 22 August 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Thanks. Connormah 20:24, 22 August 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Early life and education
All resolved. Great work
  • Repeating the birth date as the very first piece if information after the lead section is a bit redundant and not really a common style for biographical GA/FAs. It's better to remove it from there and just source it in the lead. Generally, I dislike citations in the lead, but that's one of the few exceptions to my pet peeve.
  • Do the birth dates of the parents enhance the article or the reader's understanding of Wilson? open question, something to think about rather than an instruction
  • Prime Minister should be capitalised in that context, since it's immediately followed by the name of the title holder. Also, a link wouldn't go amiss.
  • You don't need to name his mother twice in the space of 4 sentences.
  • Is Biggar her maiden name?
  • Re-read the sentence Eliza Wilson died in February 1867, when he was 7 years old, leaving his father, Charles a widower. That's difficult to make sense of and there must be an easier way of phrasing it that doesn't require so many commas in such a short sentence.
  • Is the name of his daughter known?
  • You'll need to clarify "public high school"—the meaning of "public school" varies between the UK and North America, i don;t know if it does within North America.
Career
  • Why is the section called career when most of his career is presumably covered in the rest of the article? Perhaps "early career" would be more suitable?
  • The prose is quite choppy. I had a quick go at the first paragraph, but the whole thing reads a bit like a prosified list of bullet points, really.
  • Recent marriage? Giving it just a mention there leaves the reader thinking "what recent marriage"?
  • What more can you tell the reader about the last two roles mentioned? Are they important? What do they entail?
Politics
Looks good.
  • Wilson became politically involved not long after arriving in Edmonton. How, when, why?
  • Are his ideological differences to his opponent significant? Politics wouldn't function if opponents agreed with each other. ;)
  • Likewise Wilson also made the promise that he would work with the wishes of his constituents. When was the last time a politician didn't say something to that extent? That's kind of the point of democracy. ;)
  • How old was his opponent at the time? Is Wilson's age particularly significant? Was he much younger than his opponent or one of the youngest to hold the role or something?
  • Throne should be decapitalised. Also, is there a more specific article to link to? I'm sure there's one for the Commonwealth monarch or whatever the politically correct term is these days.
Speaker of the Legislative Assembly
  • What assembly? Nominated for what? The section should give at least a little detail. Think of a reader who may have jumped straight to that section in the TOC. Come to think of it, does that section heading need to be there at all?
  • Hillyard Mitchell is a redirect to another spelling
It's spelled like than in the book - I think both were acceptable, but I can change it. Connormah 03:23, 23 August 2010 (UTC)[reply]
Well if neither is incorrect, I guess it whichever floats your boat. :) HJ Mitchell | Penny for your thoughts? 03:47, 23 August 2010 (UTC)[reply]
After territorial politics
  • After his retirement from the post of speaker, and despite health concerns, Wilson still managed to remain an active community member sounds rather like praising Wilson.
  • Is this any better? Connormah 03:34, 23 August 2010 (UTC)[reply]
  • The rest of the first paragraph is basically a prosified list of bullet points.
  • Middle paragraph:
    • Should be merged somewhere. A single-sentence paragraph looks out of place
    • Why is there a comma after wife??
    • Any idea whereabouts in Europe (it's quite a big place!) or how long he spent in London and Edinburgh or any other details to supplement the bare bones there? Not a huge issue, but more information would be good if it's available.
Mayor of Edmonton
  • Linking dates is discouraged. Linking to non-intuitive targets even more so.
  • What on Earth does Wilson was elected mayor of Edmonton, defeating John Alexander McDougall, himself a future mayor mean?
  • Why is the mention go him being made JP in between the mayoralty stuff? Is there anything more known about him as a JP?
Personal life
  • Is there any significance to those friendships or is it just name dropping?
  • I ask the same question over his wife's DOB as I did above about those of his parents.
  • became a articling ?
I'll have a go at these shortly. Thanks, HJ. Connormah 03:20, 23 August 2010 (UTC)[reply]
I'm done my first attempt - how's it look? Connormah 04:19, 23 August 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Wrapping up

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All in all, this is an informative article, nicely write, well illustrated and well laid-out. The only major concern is the comprehensiveness, but I feel it's sufficient to meet the GA criteria. That would be your biggest issue if you were to take this onto FAC. It could also do with a head-to-toe copy edit by someone with a fresh pair of eyes. The prose is good on the whole, but it gets choppy in places and would struggle to meet criterion 1a for FA, but I'm happy it meets the equivalent 1a of the GA criteria, which is an easier standard to meet. If more information were found and you wished to take it further, I'd recommend a peer review and seeking the opinions of experienced content reviewers as well as editors who have been involved with FAs on similar topics. It may also help to find an FA on a similar topic so you can compare and contrast and see what work would need to be done. There's no reason why, with a little hard work, it couldn't get a star in the not-too-distant future and I'd be happy to assist in any way I can. Meanwhile, I'm inclined to promote the article to GA status once the above 2 points have been addressed, but I'll seek a second opinion from another experienced GA reviewer since I was invited to review the article, though I don;t foresee any major issues coming up. HJ Mitchell | Penny for your thoughts? 16:41, 23 August 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Done. Thanks. Connormah 20:03, 23 August 2010 (UTC)[reply]

Second opinion

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  • In the Politics section, please link "Frank Oliver" to its correspondence article as at the moment it stands out as a disambiguation.
  • In the Early career section, "Edmonton" just needs to be linked once.
  • In the Politics section, "He was elected on September 15, 1885 at the age of 25" ---> "He was elected on September 15, 1885, at the age of 25", commas after dates, if using MDY.
  • In the Speaker of the Legislative Assembly section, "As Speaker, wilson also helped revise the rules" ---> "As Speaker, Wilson also helped revise the rules".
  • In the Persona life section, is this ---> "The couple spent their honeymoon in Boston, Massachusetts" really necessary?
  • In the Death and Legacy section, "Wilson died in Edmonton on December 17, 1909 at the age of 50" ---> "Wilson died in Edmonton on December 17, 1909, at the age of 50".
  • Who's the Publisher for Reference 2?

--  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 17:23, 23 August 2010 (UTC)[reply]

GA pass

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I'm satisfied that all concerns raised above have been resolved and that this article meets the GA criteria, so I'm happy to pass it. :) HJ Mitchell | Penny for your thoughts? 22:10, 23 August 2010 (UTC)[reply]

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