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Talk:Hei (Darker than Black)/GA1

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Reviewer: TeenAngels1234 (talk · contribs) 11:48, 16 October 2021 (UTC)[reply]

I'm gonna review this. --TeenAngels1234 (talk) 11:48, 16 October 2021 (UTC)[reply]

  • @Tintor2: The term "Contractor" is sometimes capitalized and sometimes in lower case. I believe the correct form, since it is a series-specific term, is capitalized. I think it is best to standardize the text accordingly.
    • Revised
  • "of both anime". Anime or animes?
    • Revised
  • That's all with the lead. Good incipit.--TeenAngels1234 (talk) 12:13, 16 October 2021 (UTC)[reply]

@TeenAngels1234: Thanks for the review.Tintor2 (talk) 13:46, 16 October 2021 (UTC) @TeenAngels1234: Did another revision. There were other parts I forgot to use capital letters for Contractors.Tintor2 (talk) 19:46, 16 October 2021 (UTC)[reply]

@Tintor2: That's fine. Come to think of it, regarding the incipit:

  • "...make him a Contractor with the Messier code BK-201". Try something like "a Contractor, (explanation)". Explaining what exactly a Contractor is.
    • Done
  • Ditto with Syndicate. Try with something lika "Syndacate, an organization (etc)".
    • Done

Now "Creation".

  • "Okamura cited a number of influences". Probably obvious, but can you write "of influence for its creation", or something like this?
  • Revised
  • "Hei extorts information from people, although he does not want to kill them". This information doesn't link well with the other sentences. What's the point?
    • Reworded. Basically, he said that he wanted the viewers to judge him rather in regards to his work
  • "Hei's codename was originally 201-BL; 201 was Okamura's apartment number". Try to link the two sentences. A simple "BL, since 201 was".
    • Done
  • "In early episodes of the series, Okamura said that the lyrics of its theme song,[missing space]"Howling" by Abingdon Boys School, alluded to Hei's state of mind." Well. Okay, but this too sounds a bit out of context. Can you rewrite this?
    • Reworded
  • The whole second paragraph ("First-anime writer ... as a result") sounds like a "Characterization" section. I suggest merging this with "Analysis", rename it accordingly as "Characterization and themes" to put it in the right order.
    • Done
  • Idem for the last paragraph, from "Okamura was surprised" until "kindness".
  • "About Hei's history with Yin, the writer for Gaiden said that he found it depressing that Hei said in Gemini of the Meteor that he was going to kill Yin." Does this matter?
    • It kinda helps since Hei's characterization in the second season was noted to for him to be far darker. In the OVAs they tried giving him a more hopeful fate.
  • "The developers called the fourth episode interesting because of its focus on action scenes involving Hei". Same. Sounds superfluous to me.
    • Re,pved
  • "Kikuchi said that the character was a mystery to him when he began recording the anime". In the interview Kiuchi link this with his characterization, right? If that's the case, I suggest you a mention of this consequentiality. A simple "thus", "therefore" in the sentence is enough. Like "was therefore a mystery to him".
  • Revised but where should I put Kiuchi's comment. Casting would end up being too small.

That's all for Creation. Ping me when you reviewed this.--TeenAngels1234 (talk) 12:52, 17 October 2021 (UTC) @TeenAngels1234: Revised everything and joined the Kiuchi's section.Tintor2 (talk) 15:31, 17 October 2021 (UTC)[reply]

  • @Tintor2: Sorry. Maybe I didn't explain myself well, my bad. I meant that what is already in Analysis and only those two paragraphs I mentioned before should be in a separate section for "Characterization and themes". Not that "Development" and "Characterizations and themes" should be merged. Maybe after Appearances, like Rei Ayanami.--TeenAngels1234 (talk) 19:48, 17 October 2021 (UTC)[reply]

@TeenAngels1234: Rearranged. Hope it works now.Tintor2 (talk) 20:10, 17 October 2021 (UTC)[reply]

@Tintor2: Sorry. I was kinda busy. So, let's begin with "Appearances".

  • "blames for Dai's disappearance". Bai or Dai?
    • Revised
  • "copy of his father. Hei" I think a comma is more appropriate to the context.
  • Revised
  • "unknown, Okamura". Since we're shifting from fiction to the real world, add "anime director Okamura" to make it clear.
    • Done
  • Generally speaking, "Appearances" should be simplified. Too many facts, names, and little events with no clear importance. Try to cut battles or events relatively less important to make the section more enjoyable. A brief, direct, and minimalist style like "Other appearances" looks perfect to me.--TeenAngels1234 (talk) 01:42, 19 October 2021 (UTC)[reply]
    • Tone down around 744 bytes from appearances section.

@TeenAngels1234: No problem. Hope the recent changes work.Tintor2 (talk) 02:23, 19 October 2021 (UTC)[reply]

@Tintor2: Here we go. Now, "Characterization and themes".

  • Regarding the entire portion of the text from "Hei's dual personality" to the note with Maxibe Gee. The description is an interpretation of Maxibe, right? In my opinion, it is better to specify it two or three times during the text. "According to Maxibe Gee (...). Gee also stated (). For the critic (...); Gee described."
    • Done
  • The first two paragraphs seem more appropriate at the end of the section, honestly. It ties in better with the current last paragraph, with comments from Okamura, Ishii, and so on.
    • Done
  • The paragraphs I mentioned above suffer from little presentation, though. It's not clear to me what all those events are referring to. There are also terms, such as Pandora, that are poorly understood. Can it be made more understandable to those who haven't seen the series?TeenAngels1234 (talk) 02:33, 19 October 2021 (UTC)[reply]
    • Revised.

@TeenAngels1234: Revsed every item. Thanks.Tintor2 (talk) 12:03, 19 October 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Perfect. @Tintor2:

  • "Hei placed fourth in an Anime News Network readers' poll of the most deadly assassins". Are we sure this is significant? I mean. At the end of the day, it's not merit or quality judgment. I think this poll should be deleted.
    • Removed.
  • Try to tie in some Popularity phrases. "Furthermore", "also", and so on.
    • Added
  • "Anime News Network called Jason Liebrecht's voicing of Hei "a schizophrenic variation" of Syaoran from Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle." That seems like a very uninfluential comment for Reception. Consider moving it to Casting.
    • Moved
  • Reception, generally speaking, is good. Summarizing and incisive. Just pay attention to the italics, please. Not sure about Anime News Network or other names.--TeenAngels1234 (talk) 20:39, 19 October 2021 (UTC)[reply]
    • Removed all italics.

@TeenAngels1234: Took all the notes you mentioned. Thanks for the review.Tintor2 (talk) 22:49, 19 October 2021 (UTC)[reply]

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