Talk:Graham Hawkins/GA1

GA Review

Passed. Lee Vilenski ^{(talk • contribs)} 19:05, 29 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]

The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

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Reviewer: Lee Vilenski (talk · contribs) 21:55, 21 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]

Hello, I am planning on reviewing this article for GA Status, over the next couple of days. Thank you for nominating the article for GA status. I hope I will learn some new information, and that my feedback is helpful.

If nominators or editors could refrain from updating the particular section that I am updating until it is complete, I would appreciate it to remove a edit conflict. Please address concerns in the section that has been completed above (If I've raised concerns up to references, feel free to comment on things like the lede.)

I generally provide an overview of things I read through the article on a first glance. Then do a thorough sweep of the article after the feedback is addressed. After this, I will present the pass/failure. I may use strikethrough tags when concerns are met. Even if something is obvious why my concern is met, please leave a message as courtesy.

Best of luck! you can also use the {{done}} tag to state when something is addressed. Lee Vilenski ^{(talk • contribs)}

Please let me know after the review is done, if you were happy with the review! Obviously this is regarding the article's quality, however, I want to be happy and civil to all, so let me know if I have done a good job, regardless of the article's outcome.

Okay, looks like I've addressed those concerns. Thanks!--Echetus Xe 00:20, 24 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]

Links

Prose

Lede

Can we merge the first para, it's tiny! Lee Vilenski ^{(talk • contribs)} 18:55, 22 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]
- Ah yeah, I've been working a lot on ledes recently, so that will be a simple fix for me. I've adding more lines to the first paragraph.--Echetus Xe 00:20, 24 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]
acrimonious circumstances - this might need at least a slight explaination. Lee Vilenski ^{(talk • contribs)} 18:55, 22 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]
- Sure okay.--Echetus Xe 00:20, 24 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]
No info on his later life and death? Lee Vilenski ^{(talk • contribs)} 18:55, 22 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]
- Yeah I've put in the time of his retirement now.--Echetus Xe 00:20, 24 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]

General

He had two brothers, Ernie (born 1935) – who drowned at the age of seven – and Andrew (born 1962); and two sisters, Maureen (born 1950) and Susan (born 1954).[ -> why not say he had 4 siblings? I'm not sure what we gain by talking about Ernie's death. Lee Vilenski ^{(talk • contribs)} 19:09, 22 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]
- The death was significant in the book. It also shows how he was the eldest child of the (surviving) children despite being the second born. But yeah, much simpler to say siblings rather than divide the brothers and sisters, cheers!--Echetus Xe 00:20, 24 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]
College .[5] He - typo. Lee Vilenski ^{(talk • contribs)} 19:09, 22 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]
- Done.--Echetus Xe 00:20, 24 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]
We talk about "Wolves", without explaining that is the nickname of the club. Lee Vilenski ^{(talk • contribs)} 19:09, 22 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]
- Done.--Echetus Xe 00:20, 24 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]
where he shared a room with Derek Dougan.[7] - is this relevant? Lee Vilenski ^{(talk • contribs)} 19:09, 22 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]
- Yeah, Derek Dougan appointed him as manager 15 years later.--Echetus Xe 00:20, 24 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]
The "Lambs" - there's no reason not to just say "Preston". This happens a lot in the article. Lee Vilenski ^{(talk • contribs)} 19:09, 22 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]
- Done.--Echetus Xe 00:20, 24 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]
finished just three - just -> only. Lee Vilenski ^{(talk • contribs)} 19:09, 22 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]
- Done.--Echetus Xe 00:20, 24 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]
"if we had gone to Old Trafford with Graham Hawkins back in the centre of defence and Neil Young in the attack, we would have been looking for more than just a percentage of the gate money" - this is a massive quote, couldn't we just summarise in prose? Lee Vilenski ^{(talk • contribs)} 19:09, 22 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]
- Sure okay.--Echetus Xe 00:20, 24 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]
on the PFA Team of the Year alongside - presumably the third division team of the year? Lee Vilenski ^{(talk • contribs)} 19:09, 22 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]
- Done.--Echetus Xe 00:20, 24 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]
player-youth coach - player and youth coach. Lee Vilenski ^{(talk • contribs)} 19:09, 22 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]
- Done.--Echetus Xe 00:20, 24 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]
Considering the amount of clubs he managed, the "Middle East" section is very small.Lee Vilenski ^{(talk • contribs)} 19:09, 22 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]
- Yeah, 1985–86 Bahraini Premier League gives literally no information. Hawkins just went there because the pay was very good. Nothing of any real consequence happened there football wise.--Echetus Xe 00:20, 24 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]
Elite Sports (ESA), - ESA is never used in the article, so no need to define it. Lee Vilenski ^{(talk • contribs)} 19:09, 22 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]
- Done.--Echetus Xe 00:20, 24 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]
I'm a bit surprised, why is the table of season results not sortable? Lee Vilenski ^{(talk • contribs)} 19:09, 22 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]
- It's not on the standardized layout for football biographies.--Echetus Xe 00:20, 24 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]

Review meta comments

I'll begin the review as soon as I can! If you fancy returning the favour, I have a list of nominations for review at WP:GAN and WP:FAC, respectively. I'd be very grateful if you were to complete one of these if you get time. Best Wishes, Lee Vilenski ^{(talk • contribs)} Lee Vilenski ^{(talk • contribs)} 21:55, 21 October 2022 (UTC)[reply]

The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.