Talk:Frederick Hinde Zimmerman/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Jackhynes (talk · contribs) 15:53, 27 February 2013 (UTC)[reply]

I'll have a go at this review. Just looking through it now. Cheers, Jack (talk) 15:53, 27 February 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Review by Jack

Initial read through looks great. The prose need to be tightened here and there but otherwise it looks to be in great shape.

Lead

Serial comma needed in second sentence.
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I would combine two sentences in the first paragraph to read: Zimmerman's farm, originally purchased by his grandfather Thomas S. Hinde from the federal government in 1815, included the Grand Rapids Dam, Hanging Rock, and Buttercrust.
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There is no citation in the article for Buttercrust, what/where is it?
- Changed. Added information.
There is no citation or mention in text of his grandfather buying the land from the federal government in 1815.
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1 and 14 written in full
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He died unexpectedly from complications of a broken hip that he suffered near the Grand Rapids Hotel in 1924, fours years after the hotel opened, after falling out of his Model T automobile.[1] The sentence should be fragmented, it's a mouthful at the moment. The reference should be in the body of the text not in the lead. There should be no information in the lead not already mentioned and referenced in the body.
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The hotel was burned to the ground during the summer of 1929, five years after Zimmerman died, by Glenn Goodart, then manager of the hotel, by dropping a blowtorch in the basement. Split sentence, too many commas
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The hotel was not rebuilt due to a lack of funds and the onset of the Great Depression three months after it was burned down by Goodart. → The hotel was not rebuilt due to a lack of funds and the onset of the Great Depression
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Early years

Frederick Hinde Zimmerman was born in the Mount Carmel Precinct, Wabash County, Illinois on October 17, 1864, towards the end of the American Civil War on his family farm. → Frederick Hinde Zimmerman was born on his family farm in the Mount Carmel Precinct, Wabash County, Illinois on October 17, 1864, towards the end of the American Civil War.
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He was the second child of Jacob Zimmerman and Belinda Hinde. His father was the Honorable Jacob Zimmerman, an Illinois congressman and politician from a wealthy family, and his mother was Belinda Hinde, a member of the prominent Hinde family and the daughter of Rev. Thomas S. Hinde, the founder of Mount Carmel. → He was the second child of the Honorable Jacob Zimmerman, an Illinois congressman and politician from a wealthy family, and Belinda Hinde, a member of the prominent Hinde family and the daughter of Rev. Thomas S. Hinde, the founder of Mount Carmel.
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His father owned newspapers in Marshall, Illinois and in Mount Carmel, Illinois, Serial comma
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Morphine Wikilink
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Zimmerman's mother probably died from an overdose of morphine that may have resulted from an addiction to the drug developed during the Civil War. A few months before the death of his mother, Zimmerman's uncle, judge Charles H. Constable died of a morphine overdose like his mother that was the result of an addiction to the drug and hard liquor that he developed during the Civil War. → Zimmerman's uncle, judge Charles H. Constable, and then his mother died from morphine overdoses that may have resulted from an addiction to the drug developed during the Civil War.
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Write 4 as four
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In 1879 after his father's marriage and election Zimmerman returned to the family farm in Wabash County, Illinois to live with his father and step mother at the age of 14. → In 1879, aged fourteen, he returned to the family farm in Wabash County, Illinois to live with his father and step mother.
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In 1883, at the age of 19, Zimmerman and his cousin Harry Hinde were invited by Zimmerman's uncle Edmund C. Hinde to move to Fort Smith, Arkansas, where Hinde lived following his return from the California Gold Rush,[12] to gain business experience by running a grocery store, which they did from 1883 to 1886 Fragment sentence
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Interestingly, this period in the history of Fort Smith, Arkansas has been memorialized in the novel and movies based on the novel True Grit. → Interestingly, this period in the history of Fort Smith, Arkansas has been memorialized in the novel True Grit, and the two movies it inspired, True Grit (1969) and True Grit (2010).
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Family and farming

After Zimmerman returned his father gave a small acreage... → After Zimmerman returned, his father gave a small acreage...
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The couple had two children, Peter Jacob Hinde Zimmerman in 1903 and Rebecca Zimmerman in 1901. Switch order to be chronological
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Zimmerman and his wife raised their children in the Methodist faith and their children attended school in Mount Carmel. → Zimmerman and his wife raised their children in the Methodist faith and they attended school in Mount Carmel.
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Zimmerman trained his to operate him
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...burned in 1929... → ...burned down in 1929...
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Illinois Farmers' Institute a position he held for three years Comma after Insitute
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look very attractive after they fixed it up with flags and bunting." [23] Extra space before reference
- Deleted extra space.
The institute members and Zimmerman at this time were followers of the The Grangers Movement... → At this time the institute members and Zimmerman were followers of the The Grangers Movement...
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...raised registered Shropshire sheep, which are sheep raised primarily for meat... → ...raised registered Shropshire sheep, primarily for meat...
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Some of their Shropshire sheep were listed on the American Shropshire Registry. Quick explanation what this is and why it's important
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Later business ventures

Inn In
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businesses was were
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he invested in beginning in August 1905 → he invested in from August 1905
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Grand Rapids Hotel

After the estate was settled in 1917, Zimmerman used his portion of the money to establish a hotel and resort on the Hinde family farm next to the Grand Rapids Dam, called the Grand Rapids Hotel in 1922, since he had to wait for the conclusion of World War I before he could begin construction. → After the estate was settled in 1917, Zimmerman decided to use his portion of the money to establish a hotel and resort on the Hinde family farm next to the Grand Rapids Dam but before he could begin construction, he had to wait for the conclusion of World War I.
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hotel was completed on August 7, 1922; later that year, Zimmerman's wife died. These sentences aren't connected, maybe mention the wife a little later?
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O.L. Rapson was The Grand Rapids Hotel's first manager, until 1924 when Glenn Goodart was selected by Zimmerman's children to take over after the death of their father. Prior to becoming the first manager at the hotel, Rapson had been a hired laborer on the Zimmerman farm and lived in a small shack next to Zimmerman's house. → Zimmerman chose hired laborer O.L. Rapson, who had worked at the family farm and lived in a small house next to his, as The Grand Rapids Hotel's first manager. He was fired in 1924 after the sudden death of Zimmerman and replaced by Rapson's friend Glenn Goodart at the request of Zimmerman's children.
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it was not rebuilt due to the onset of the Great Depression. Lead mentions lack of funds as well.
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he left roughly seventy-five percent of his estate to his son, while he left about twenty-five percent to his daughter. → he left roughly seventy-five percent of his estate to his son and about twenty-five percent to his daughter.
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Death

His date of death should be in this section and referenced.
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Some of the bank stock Zimmerman left his daughter caused her severe financial hardships due to the bank's failure during the Great Depression. Is this the bank that Zimmerman owned substantial interest in, The First National Bank in Mount Carmel, Illinois? If so, mention it.
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References

Diaries of Edmund C. Hinde California State Library Any more information about this source? Date?
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Three mentions of Google eBooks but no links.
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Risley, Theodore G. (1911). Illinois, historical; editors: Newton Bateman, LL. D., Paul Selby, A.M.; Wabash County, biographical; editor: Theodore G. Risley. Munsell Publishing Company. Don't really understand the formatting of this. What's the title of the work? Is there a reason for multiple separate editors?
- The title ="Illinois, historical, Wabash County Biographical, Volume 2." I added second part of title to references, and there is no explanation why there are multiple seperate editors.
  - To me it looks like there are two books in the reference: Illinois, historical; and Wabash County, biographical. Then it has the editors of both books. In this catalogue Newton Bateman is the author.
    - The hardback version is one book. I more than willing to change if that is what you prefer.
State of Indiana (1919). ^ Year Book of the State of Indiana ...(Google eBook). State of Indiana. Formatting needed
- Changed. Formatted reference and deleted Google eBook reference.
It'd be great to see some of these sources online, are they available anywhere?
- I linked to ones that were online.

Images

Peter Jacob Hinde Zimmerman. Fred Zimmerman's son. → Peter Jacob Hinde Zimmerman in 1920, Fred Zimmerman's son.
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Second image needs a caption.
- There is a caption, but it is not appearing for some reason.

Categories

No mention in text about The National Grange of the Order of Patrons of Husbandry, is this important? I'm not sure if it even needs to be in text anyway? Feel free to ignore.
- The National Grange of the Order of Patrons of Husbandry - is the formal name for the Grangers Movement, which is discussed in the Family and farming section.

Passed Jack (talk) 17:50, 28 February 2013 (UTC)[reply]