Talk:Embassy of the United States, Mogadishu/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: BenLinus1214 (talk · contribs) 23:56, 11 August 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Third on my "to review" list, after El Camino (The Black Keys album) and Adventure Time (season 6). Should get to it in a few days. Johanna (aka BenLinus1214)^{talk to me!}_{see my work} 23:56, 11 August 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you for picking up this review. Could you please wait a couple more days for the review? I greatly expanded the article in hopes of reaching GA status, but then had a very frustrating time dealing with another editor over the content of this article. The article eventually reached a state that was stable and I decided to go ahead and nominate the article (partly in hopes that if the GA reviewer thought the prose was odd, that would allow me to revert some of the changes). I realized that I haven't seen any edits from the other editor in a while and discovered the editor was topic banned for POV-pushing on Somalia-related articles (which is the problem I had with that user on this article). Knowing that, I'd like to make a few changes to the prose of this article. It was nominated back in March and I haven't edited this article since. Please just give me 2-3 days to clean-up some of the prose. AHeneen (talk) 20:31, 13 August 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Okay, that's perfectly fine! I've now pushed it back behind Adventure Time (season 6 and one more article. This should be a few days until I get to it. I'll ask you before I start. Johanna (aka BenLinus1214)^{talk to me!}_{see my work} 13:21, 14 August 2015 (UTC)[reply]

I just finished cleaning up the article...it's ready for the review. AHeneen (talk) 16:59, 14 August 2015 (UTC)[reply]

@AHeneen: Comments

Lead

"the security situation in Mogadishu deteriorated rapidly" how, exactly? Also, check this sentence again for structure!

You should probably be a little clearer here on the time frame between the request for closure and evacuation and the refuge for American citizens part. It's kind of odd to put a request for closure and evacuation sentence before a sentence that basically states that it was still being used.
Could you say why the embassy was relocated?
Probably should be "but she withdrew" not "but withdrew".

History

"Besides establishing a presence…" I would prefer "In addition to establishing a presence…"
I think you could expand a bit on American worries about Soviet influence in the region. A lot of useful information could be found in ref 9, particularly the paragraph that starts with "Relations with Somalia were very rough."
"As part of this mission…" The diplomatic mission or the mission to stop the spread of communism? I assume you mean the former--if that's the case, be sure you make it clear with the words that you're starting a new part of the para.
You could also explain a bit more about the events leading up to the Somali-Britain break.
For those of us unfamiliar to the topic, you should probably put Somalia's position on the Six Day War and why before the last sentence of that fourth paragraph.
Is most of the next paragraph all sourced to ref 4?
"After Somali-flagged vessels…" wait, US assistance wasn't terminated when the Peace Corps was ordered to leave? And assisting them in what?
Any source on the actions of the actual embassy during the '70s?
"later turned into a golf course" when?
The first para of "prelude to closure" I don't like on the writing front…especially the short "criminal violence was also increasing." Maybe the second part of that should go "By 1990, the Somalia's government had fractured, with criminal violence increasing, and the country soon became enveloped in a civil war."
"In 1967, Bishop…" to "...while serving as Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Africa." why is this piece of information relevant to this article? The Six Day War was mentioned before, but it doesn't seem to be relevant to the Somali conflict. Also, this much background on Bishop just isn't necessary.
"violence escalated an order of magnitude" this is a bit vague and informal
Much of this subsection is really from the point of view of one person--do you have any others?
Be sure your formatting for dates is consistent--either MDY or DMY
Meanwhile, the USS Guam and USS Trenton…" source?
"including a couple exchanges of gunfire" is a little informal, perhaps do "including several exchanges of gunfire"?
an advance element of what? If it's soldiers, why was the request denied?
Throughout the day US and foreign nationals…" check the Soviet part of this sentence for structure and conveyance of meaning.
What are RPGs?

Embassy compound

There's a typo--should be "chancery" not "chancert"
"one of the most dilapidated buildings the State Department had." Either state that this was according to a particular person or that there was some sort of inspection that determined this.
In one of the image's captions, the term "Seabee" is a bit odd for those who aren't familiar with military terms--a link to Seabee would suffice.
Reader confusion: why would they raise the flag that was in Beirut?
"during his three-day visit to Somalia from December 31 to January 2" what year?

United States' diplomatic mission to Somalia

I would rename this section--possibly "Subsequent diplomatic relations and future embassy" because it's not all about the diplomatic mission.
Should probably be "never officially severed…"
You really don't need to include the text currently in refs 12 and 25--people who want to can easily find the quoted portions in the sources.

References

Why are you using Wikimapia?
Used checklinks and everything appears to be in order.

@AHeneen: Overall, a nice article on a topic that I knew very little about! Mostly just some writing points, particularly how it relates to the reader's understanding of the topic. On hold for now, but you should be able to fix it all. :) Johanna (aka BenLinus1214)^{talk to me!}_{see my work} 21:51, 17 August 2015 (UTC)[reply]

I have made adjustments to the lead and fixed all the minor issues with the text.

I have scoured the internet, as well as the online catalogs of the Library of Congress and National Archives (US) for information about this embassy and I believe I have found just about everything that is available online (including digitized records/transcripts). I haven't been able to find:

anything about the actions of the embassy in the 1970s beyond what is in this article
exact date the land was turned into a golf course
much information about the events leading up to the closure & evacuation, except the information from Ambassador Bishop

The History section overlaps with the subject of Somalia-United States relations (noted with the "See also" hatnote under the section title). I think this section should only briefly discuss issues not directly related to the embassy (the editor that I disputed with was very keen to remove content that didn't directly relate to the embassy, but I managed to add some details). The embassy, like nearly all embassies, provides consular services (issue visas, provide assistance to Americans in distress), but mainly exists to promote US diplomacy with the country. I think it's relevant to mention that the main function of the embassy was to counter Soviet influence throughout the Cold War, but not go into excessive detail about US diplomacy in the region. The diplomacy issues mentioned are all directly relevant to the embassy, e.g. because of development projects carried out by USAID, USAID personnel made up a large part of the embassy's staff. Other than that, I have only minimally elaborated on a few issues you mentioned:

Regarding Somalia-UK relations, the sentence now reads: "The United States became the protecting power for the United Kingdom in Somalia after Somalia severed diplomatic relations with the United Kingdom in 1963, due to a dispute over the administration of the ethnic-Somali Northern Frontier District."
I added the bolded text about Somalia's "In 1967, the embassy went into a lock down during the Six-Day War between Israel and neighboring Arab countries, which Somalia supported."

Miscellaneous issues:

In my opinion, the two sentences you mention about Bishop's experiences are relevant, because he had so much experience with evacuations of US embassies
Development assistance didn't end when the Peace Corps left (the 3rd paragraph in the History section explains that USAID carried out a lot of development projects); I changed "assistance" to "development assistance" with a wikilink
"advance element" changed to "advance element of Marines", the reason the request was denied was not given in the sources (there's some speculation/hearsay, but no explicit reason given)
removed mention of flag from Beirut, not sure why it was added
I don't know of a good way to insert the year into Bush's visit. Except the first sentence, the preceding paragraph is in December 1992. The second sentence after the one about Bush's visit begins "On May 4, 1993". Since the visit spans two years, adding the year seems like clutter...eg. "from December 31, 1992 to January 2, 1993". It should be easy to understand the year from context.
"United States' diplomatic mission to Somalia" is a good title for this section. The term "diplomatic mission" is actually the term for a country's team/collection of diplomats to another country (or international organization), although the term is typically used for the residence (main offices/building or compound) of the diplomatic mission. US diplomatic missions (both the group of people and their residence) to organizations are titled "United States Mission to [organization]", omitting "diplomatic" but reflecting the meaning of "diplomatic mission" as the group of people not the building. In the section title, the key word is to (as opposed to in). As quoted in reference 25, "If confirmed, the Ambassador will lead the U.S. Mission to Somalia, currently based at the U.S. Embassy in Nairobi, Kenya." The first sentence of this section begins "The US has not had a diplomatic mission in Somalia since the closure of the embassy in 1991." But later: "The US embassy in Nairobi, Kenya serves as a base for the US diplomatic mission to Somalia." Since an embassy is the residence of a country's diplomatic mission, it is appropriate to mention the status of the US diplomatic mission to Somalia in this article, since the subject of this article is nominally its residence.
The first paragraph of the "Prelude to closure" section is fine. In the years before the collapse of the central government (in January 1991), the situation in Somalia is best described as rebellion than civil war. The Somalis associate with their clans and there are many throughout the country. From 1986-1990, violence in the country was mainly local opposition in various towns. Various tribes managed to have some degree of autonomy in the countryside, but the central government managed to keep control of major towns throughout the country. There was an increasing level of criminal violence and lawlessness in the later part of 1990, which is when the civil war broken...civil war indicating fighting between factions and fighting to unseat the central government, as opposed to opposition to the authoritarian government for local/tribal autonomy. I removed the remark about Barre coming to power in a 1969 coup, since that's already mentioned in the History section.

I think I've address all of your concerns, at least well enough to meet the GA criteria. AHeneen (talk) 05:05, 18 August 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Agreed. If you would like, there's always the possibility of getting a peer review just to improve the article even more. Pass. In addition, I believe that the article is stable now that that dispute is settled and it's four months behind us.Johanna (aka BenLinus1214)^{talk to me!}_{see my work} 13:51, 18 August 2015 (UTC)[reply]

GA review (see here for what the criteria are, and here for what they are not)

It is reasonably well written.
a (prose, no copyvios, spelling and grammar): b (MoS for lead, layout, word choice, fiction, and lists):
It is factually accurate and verifiable.
a (reference section): b (citations to reliable sources): c (OR):
It is broad in its coverage.
a (major aspects): b (focused):
It follows the neutral point of view policy.
Fair representation without bias:
It is stable.
No edit wars, etc.:
It is illustrated by images and other media, where possible and appropriate.
a (images are tagged and non-free content have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
Overall:
Pass/Fail: