Talk:Edmonds (brand)/GA1

GA Review

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Nominator: Panamitsu (talk · contribs) 04:44, 18 November 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Reviewer: It is a wonderful world (talk · contribs) 01:08, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

I like the look of this neat little article. I think I can get a quick review done before bed! It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:12, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Prose (Criteria 1a, 1b, 4) clock

Lead

Brierley Investments acquired Edmonds in 1984: I don't think this is important enough for the lead. It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:12, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Removed. ―Panamitsu (talk) 04:58, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

and has been described as a New Zealand icon: This is better worded than in the main text. You have maintained neutrality while also including the important opinion.

Added to main text. ―Panamitsu (talk) 05:56, 4 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

The book uses pantry staples as ingredients.: "Pantry" may need to be removed if you remove it from the body (see corresponding point in the body) It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:12, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Done. ―Panamitsu (talk) 05:56, 4 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

History

~~because they were not able to guarantee that their baking would rise~~: Conciseness, this is obviously the case because the baking powder was already described as "unreliable". It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:12, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Removed. ―Panamitsu (talk) 04:58, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Edmonds decided that he would create his own formula, while his wife Jane managed the shop. He spent three years perfecting the formula.

General conciseness
"perfecting" is not neutral
His wife's name is not relevant enough for inclusion in my opinion

-> "Edmonds spent three years creating his own formula, while his wife managed the shop." It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:12, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Done. ―Panamitsu (talk) 04:58, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

telling his customers that their baking was "sure to rise": "their baking" is the subject of the sentence here, but the verb ("sure to rise") cannot apply to that subject. What it seems you mean is "their baked goods were 'sure to rise'". It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:12, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Fixed. ―Panamitsu (talk) 04:58, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

turned into the iconic three-storey factory: "Iconic" is not neutral enough. It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:12, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Removed. I tried rewording the sentence to say that it's iconic to the brand, but couldn't figure out how. ―Panamitsu (talk) 04:58, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

It took until 1912 for the one millionth tin to be sold -> "In 1912, the millionth tin was sold": Neutrality and conciseness It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:12, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Done. ―Panamitsu (talk) 04:58, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

The leftover tins were [recycled]~~repurposed by using them~~ to build a few roads in Christchurch: Conciseness, and I think "recycled" is a better word in this context. It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:12, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Done. ―Panamitsu (talk) 04:58, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

A widely suggested proposal of using the tins came about in World War II, when the Home Guard encouraged housewives to begin hoarding them so they could theoretically be used as jam tin grenade bombs in case the Empire of Japan invaded the country -> "During World War II, the Home Guard encouraged housewives to hoard the tins, so they could be used in jam tin grenade bombs in case the Empire of Japan invaded": Conciseness It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:12, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Done. ―Panamitsu (talk) 04:58, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Link "Christchurch City Council" It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:12, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Done. ―Panamitsu (talk) 04:58, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Brierley Investments acquired Edmonds in 1984, and Edmonds later became the property of Goodman Fielder: This just lacks a bit of clarity.

"Acquired" is a bit broad, "bought" would be more precise
"later became the property of" is very broad and verbose, maybe "was sold to"? It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:12, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

I've changed the first one to "bought" but I can't figure out if the second deal was a merger or an acquisition or what so I've kept it the same. ―Panamitsu (talk) 06:43, 4 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

There is a street next to the location of the old factory named Edmonds Street: This is all in present tense, but the next sentence indicates the name was changed. It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:12, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Fixed. ―Panamitsu (talk) 06:31, 4 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

From 1893 it was incorrectly spelt "Edmond St",: By whom? Also, make it clear if the street was officially renamed, or if it was just a surface typo that was fixed on the street sign or something. It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:12, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

I've added that the community board renamed it which hopefully indicates that it was 'officially renamed' but honestly I think a street name is a trivial detail so I'm not sure if it even belongs in this article. ―Panamitsu (talk) 06:31, 4 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Edmonds Cookery Book

"using pantry staples": I suggest removing "pantry" here, I think this word is slightly obscure nowadays and doesn't help understanding. Also consider linking "staples" to "staple food". It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:12, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Done. ―Panamitsu (talk) 05:11, 3 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

it is New Zealand's best-selling book

This needs to be clearer as to whether it is the best-selling book in New Zealand (I suspect not because the Bible exists), or whether it is the best selling book in New Zealand which was actually created in New Zealand. It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:12, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]
This is a case of MOS:DATED, a date needs to be added for what year(s) this happened It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:12, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]
This is also in my opinion a WP:EXCEPTIONAL claim, so it needs multiple high quality sources to support it It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:12, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Done. Do the sources look better? ―Panamitsu (talk) 05:11, 3 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

and so ubiquitous as to be described by Ron Palenski as: This is not neutral at all, praise like this always needs to be treated as opinion. In this case, it should be cut as the quote itself suffices for the point being made. It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:12, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Done. ―Panamitsu (talk) 05:11, 3 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Edmonds put recipes in the lids of [the baking powder] tins: Clearer, assuming this is what you mean It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:12, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Done. ―Panamitsu (talk) 05:11, 3 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

The Edmonds Cookery Book was first published in 1908: No need to fully name the book, especially since it wasn't published under this name yet. It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:12, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Fixed. ―Panamitsu (talk) 05:11, 3 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

The book has been spiral-bound since 1976.: Unless I'm missing something, this seems irrelevant. I'm not sure enough people would care about this to justify its inclusion? Also, the short sentence breaks the flow of the paragraph. It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:12, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Removed. ―Panamitsu (talk) 05:11, 3 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

but since 1955 people have needed to pay for it -> "but since 1955 has been a paid product": Conciseness and more precise It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:12, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Much better, thanks. ―Panamitsu (talk) 05:11, 3 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

I think the final paragraph in this section should be rearranged to chronological order for clarity. Otherwise, you have issues like it not being clear whether "Originally, housewives could write a request to Edmonds to get a free copy" refers to before it was a paid product, or after. It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:12, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Fixed. ―Panamitsu (talk) 05:11, 3 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Factory Gardens

Suggest linking "neoclassical" to the appropriate article It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:12, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Done. ―Panamitsu (talk) 05:51, 4 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

There is also a lily pond and a bed of French marigolds in the form of the Edmonds sunrays since about 1940: Sentence switches tense in a grammatically incorrect way It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:12, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Fixed. ―Panamitsu (talk) 05:51, 4 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

in the form of the Edmonds sunrays: Took me a second to realize this was talking about the logo. I think this should be clearer. It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:12, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Changed to "... in the form of sunrays in the Edmonds logo." ―Panamitsu (talk) 05:51, 4 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

but the ones west were kept as they were bought by the city council -> "but the western gardens were preserved after being bought by the city council": Clearer It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:12, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Done, thanks. ―Panamitsu (talk) 05:51, 4 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Once these prose concerns have been addressed, I'll give it another read through. It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:12, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Sources clock

Health/formatting (Criterion 2a) Y

I archived links so they are no longer susceptible to link rot. I also linked some of the publishers you missed, and added the author names to all the sources I could. No problems with formatting for now.

Reliability (Criterion 2b) Y

There is a few government sources, a lot of newspapers and some references to the Edmonds site to fill in small details. All looks reliable.

Spot check (Criteria 2b, 2c, 2d) clock

Will do the spot check when the prose has been sorted out :) It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:08, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Copyvio (Criterion 2d) clock

Earwig just picks up one minor concern: telling his customers that their baking was "sure to rise"

This is a bit too close paraphrasing in my opinion, rewording the first part would fix this. It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:08, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Fixed. ―Panamitsu (talk) 06:13, 4 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Will further check for any copyvio on spot check.

Scope (Criteria 3a, 3b) Y

A quick google reveals nothing that stops this article being broad enough for GA. For future improvements though, I suspect "Sure to Rise: The Edmonds Story" will need to be incorporated for comprehensiveness. It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:08, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Stable (Criterion 5) Y

Media clock

Tags (Criterion 6a) clock

File:Edmonds factory.jpg and File:Thomas Edmonds.jpg need tags specifying why they are public domain in the US. It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:08, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Could I please have some help with this? I don't know how to fix it. Is there some sort of guide somewhere? ―Panamitsu (talk) 06:47, 4 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Other than those, all images are appropriately tagged or have good free use rationales.

Captions (Criterion 6b) clock

Is it possible to add a date to the portrait caption, and to the caption of the final picture of Edmond's gardens? It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:12, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

The source of the portrait does not providde a date so I've left it out. I've added a date to the gardens though. ―Panamitsu (talk) 06:13, 4 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Suggestions (not needed for GA promotion)

Do any reliable sources give the businesses turnover/profits at the company's most successful, and in the current day? I think this would really add to the article. It is a wonderful world (talk) 01:08, 2 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]

Good idea, although I can't find any. ―Panamitsu (talk) 06:13, 4 December 2024 (UTC)[reply]