Talk:Edina Müller/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Sarastro1 (talk · contribs) 22:31, 18 February 2013 (UTC)[reply]

"She played for ASV Bonn in the German wheelchair basketball league, and for the national team which won bronze at the 2006 World Cup in Amsterdam, was three time European champions (2007, 2009, 2011), silver medallists at the 2008 Summer Paralympics in Beijing, and gold medallists at the 2012 Summer Paralympics in London.": Horribly long sentence, which really needs cutting up.
- Split sentence in two. Hawkeye7 (talk) 01:49, 19 February 2013 (UTC)[reply]
I think the parts about the team winning the awards in 2008 and 2012 needs smoothing a little. It currently jumps from Muller to the team without a link. Perhaps a simple phrase such as "Two of Muller's teams won awards for…" or adding "of which Muller was part" to the sentences.
- Done. Hawkeye7 (talk) 01:49, 19 February 2013 (UTC)[reply]
"her legs fell asleep" seems too informal for this. Could it be made more "medical". Also, was there a reason for her paraplegia? And as written, there is a slight (and probably unintentional hint) that the straightening of her back played a part.
- Re-worded. Hawkeye7 (talk) 01:49, 19 February 2013 (UTC)[reply]
"During the semester break, she travelled with the women's national team for tournaments and preparation camps. In 2007, the German women became European champions in their own country, at Wetzlar.": Presumably she travelled with the German women's national team, but from the previous sentences it could possibly refer to the US team.
- Done. Hawkeye7 (talk) 01:49, 19 February 2013 (UTC)[reply]
"but was beaten by former teammates and opponents from the United States": This seems a little odd. Perhaps something like the winning team contained "former teammates…"?
- Done. Hawkeye7 (talk) 01:49, 19 February 2013 (UTC)[reply]
General points: Each paragraph really should start with "Müller", rather than a pronoun such as "she" or "her".
- Done. Hawkeye7 (talk) 01:49, 19 February 2013 (UTC)[reply]
There seem to be a few too many sentence beginning with "she", which makes for repetitive reading. This aspect should be polished a little.
- Done. Hawkeye7 (talk) 01:49, 19 February 2013 (UTC)[reply]
Everything else seems OK prose-wise.
- Good! Hawkeye7 (talk) 01:49, 19 February 2013 (UTC)[reply]
Speaking no German, I cannot check the sources, so I will have to AGF on these. Given the nominators record at GA and FA, I'm happy enough not to need any spot-checks, but feel that I should point out that none have been done. (Other than rudimentary google translate ones!)
- My German is pretty rudimentary. Hawkeye7 (talk) 01:49, 19 February 2013 (UTC)[reply]
Images, dablinks and external links check out. Sourcing looks Ok as far as I can tell.
- Good! Hawkeye7 (talk) 01:49, 19 February 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Looks good overall, and just these minor prose issues to sort out. Shouldn't be any problems, and I'll place this on hold for now. Sarastro1 (talk) 22:40, 18 February 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Good stuff; passing now. Sarastro1 (talk) 11:45, 19 February 2013 (UTC)[reply]