Talk:Dr. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam Memorial/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Mike Christie (talk · contribs) 20:49, 5 September 2022 (UTC)[reply]

I'll review this. Mike Christie (talk - contribs - library) 20:49, 5 September 2022 (UTC)[reply]

Images are appropriately tagged; sources seem reliable.

FN 10 is incorrectly formatted.
"The central government of India proposed to perform Kalam's funeral service at Raj Ghat-(Ekta Sthal) in New Delhi along with a memorial to be constructed there. The proposal was denied by Kalam's family who wanted it to be performed in Kalam's hometown Rameshwaram as per his wish." Why "central government of India"? Why not just "Indian government"? And you don't say who won the argument, though it becomes apparent the family did. Suggest "The Indian government proposed to perform Kalam's funeral service at Raj Ghat-(Ekta Sthal) in New Delhi, and build a memorial there. Kalam's family objected, since Kalam had wanted to be buried in his hometown, Rameshwaram, and the government agreed to go along with the family's wishes."
"On 22 July 2017, on the occasion of Kalm's second anniversary, the memorial was inaugurated by Prime Minister of India Narendra Modi in July 2017": anniversary of his death? If so the date is incorrect; he died on 27 July.
"The Defence Research and Development Organisation (DRDO) formulated, designed, and built the memorial": what does "formulate" mean here?
"In December 2015, the Central Public Works Department (CPWD) completed the measurement work, and construction was started": what do you mean by "measurement work"? Surveying? If so I would cut this and just say "In December 2015, the Central Public Works Department (CPWD) began construction". And if CPWD did the construction, why did we just say DRDO built it?
"The construction was completed within a record time of one year—July 2022, with the engagement of 300 workers in a shift the construction work was carried round the clock under DRDO's chief construction engineers; Colonel B. Choubey and Colonel B. K Singh": what does "a record time" mean? This is a one-off construction project, not something they had done before, so how could it be a record? Do we just mean it was fast? And the source doesn't say 300 workers per shift; it says there were "more than 300 workers", and doesn't say whether that's total or per shift. And that only covers the period the source is reporting on; we've no idea how many people were working on it at different times over the year -- some phases of building don't need a lot of workers, just machinery.
"the plinth area is 1,425 square meters": what does "plinth" refer to?
"built of granite and marble (from Rajasthan)": are both the granite and marble from Rajasthan, or just the marble?
"sepulcher": is this the correct Indian English spelling? In British English it would be "sepulchre", and I know Indian English spelling is usually more like British than American.
"of 50/50 feet in area": what does "50/50" mean? Do you mean 50 square feet? Or 50 foot square (2500 square feet), which seems more likely? If the latter I would make it something like "four square display halls of about 2500 square feet"; if the display halls are not square, just "four display halls of about 2500 square feet".
"900 acrylic paintings": really 900? That's a lot to fit into five rooms, and I don't see that many in the photos.
"a rare collection of 200 photographs that highlight his long association with the DRDO": you can't say the collection is rare; it's the contents. But for a photograph to be rare is difficult because photographs can be reproduced. What's the intended meaning? Should we just cut "rare"?
"There are paintings and life-sized sculptures depicting Kalam's life cycle": this is definitely not what you mean, unless you mean it's depicting human growth stages, as you would depict a caterpilla, pupa, and butterfly to illustrate the butterfly's life cycle. I think you mean "There are paintings and life-sized sculptures depicting Kalam at different ages".
"The outer precinct around the memorial consists of immaculate landscaping and plantation": "immaculate" is an opinion and we shouldn't give it in Wikipedia's voice; I would cut it. And "landscaping" and "plantation" (by which I assume you mean plantings)_are too similar; suggest "consists of landscaping, with the plantings sourced from the neighboring states". And is it "neighboring" or "neighbouring" in Indian English?
"which has the similarity to the Mughal Gardens, along with pergola pathways lined up with models of missiles designed by Kalam and lavatory area for visitors". Lots of things wrong here. From the linked article, it appears that Mughal gardens are a style of garden, so it shouldn't be "the Mughal gardens". And by "lined up" do you mean the models are along the sides of the paths? Or that a straight line through the paths would then pass through a row of the models? Guessing at the correct meaning, I think you want "The landscape is designed in the Mughal garden style, with pergola pathways lined with models of missiles designed by Kalam." I would drop the mention of the lavatories; it would only be notable if there were none.
Spotchecking a couple of sources: "A symbol of national integration, the memorial is an amalgamation of Mughal and ancient Indian architecture" sourced to "The Memorial is a symbol of India’s diversity and national integration...The monument is a fine blend of Mughal and Indian architecture". This is both too close paraphrasing and incorrect, as the source does not mention "ancient" Indian architecture.
Source: "The DRDO has conceived and designed the memorial and the structure has come up in 2.11 acres with the total plinth area of 1,425 sq m." Article: "The Defence Research and Development Organisation (DRDO) formulated, designed, and built the memorial" and "The structure covers 2.11 acres of land, and the plinth area is 1,425 square meters". Too close paraphrasing.
Source: "the memorial building has many architectural features in common with the Rashtrapati Bhavan in Delhi, including a central dome...under the dome where a statue of Kalam playing the veena has been installed". "Article: "The main dome resembles one of Rashtrapati Bhavan's central domes and houses a bronze statue of Kalam playing the Veena". OK.
Article: "On 27 July 2015, Kalam traveled to Shillong to deliver a lecture on "Creating a Livable Planet Earth" at the Indian Institute of Management Shillong. During the lecture he collapsed, and Kalam was confirmed dead of a sudden cardiac arrest later at a hospital." Source: "On July 27, 2015, while delivering a lecture at IIM Shillong, Dr. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam collapsed after suffering a cardiac arrest that led to his death at the age of 83." No mention of airlifting, or a hospital, or the title of the lecture.

I'm going to fail this for sourcing issues. Before renominating please verify every sentence is supported by a source, and that the material in the source is not simply a lightly edited version of the source's phrasing. Mike Christie (talk - contribs - library) 21:42, 5 September 2022 (UTC)[reply]

Hi User:Mike Christie, thanks for your review and suggestions, all of your suggested corrections are applied now, in fact, I have done extensive c/e, rephrased, and supplied additional citations. After waiting for a long 31 days month, it got failed, renomination will take another long period, thus please reconsider reviewing anyhow I am ready to fully cooperate for corrections. :)--Omer123hussain (talk) 14:59, 6 September 2022 (UTC)[reply]

Hi -- actually, this GAN was reviewed much more quickly than most -- currently the average wait time is around 80-100 days. It would be unfair to rereview this ahead of other nominations that have been waiting for months. To renominate it please follow the instructions at WP:GAN/I. Once you've reviewed it, someone else may pick it up; I probably won't rereview it unless it gets near the back of the queue. The best way to avoid long wait times is to ensure that the criteria are met at the time you review. If you understand the issues I raised, you should be able to check that the sources do support the text, and there is no close paraphrasing, and that way you're unlikely to get a quick fail next time. I would also strongly recommend that you get a copyedit from the GOCE before you renominate -- poor English, if it is sufficiently bad, can cause a quick fail. Best of luck with the nomination. Mike Christie (talk - contribs - library) 17:21, 6 September 2022 (UTC)[reply]