Talk:Down (Fifth Harmony song)/GA1

GA Review

The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Reviewer: Aoba47 (talk · contribs) 23:59, 29 March 2018 (UTC)[reply]

I am "down" to review this lol. Aoba47 (talk) 23:59, 29 March 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Lead and infobox

In the lead and infobox, you identify the song as being a dancehall composition. In the body of the article, however, you say that it “features elements of dancehall music”. Saying that a song is part of a genre and that it contains elements of the genre of two different things. When looking at the references, the critics do refer to it as a dancehall song so you just need to adjust the part in the body of the article. I will bring this up again in the appropriate section.
For the first sentence, include the year in which the album was released in parenthesis after the title.
For this part (has a production consisted of bass, snare drums, synths and soft finger-snaps.), the word “consisted” should be “consisting” given the context of the sentence.
I am confused by the following sentece (Although it is written in a romantic perspective, "Down" was inspired by the group's bond as a quartet and the adversities they have faced together and individually.). You say in the beginning that it was written from a romantic perspective, yet contradict it in the second half by saying they wrote it about their bond as a group. I would revise the beginning to make it clear that critics/listeners may perceive it as a love song as I think that it was you are really getting at with this contrast. Also, it should be “written from” not “written in”.
For this part (The song was also noted by music critics for being similar to their 2016 single "Work from Home"), remove the “also” as it is not needed.
In the lead’s second paragraph, you break up the criticism about the song and its similarities with “Work from Home” into two sentences. It makes the section awkward and repetetive so I would avoid that.
For this part (An accompanying music video for the song was released on June 8, 2017:), it should be a semi-colon not a colon.
I am not a huge fan of this construction “the clip sees”, specifically attaching the verb “sees” to the noun “clip”. It sounds somewhat awkward as it reads like the video is watching itself. I would use a different verb here.
For this part (To promote “Down”,), I would add “further” between “To” and “promote” as the music video is a means of promoting the song.
For this part (time on Good Morning America Concert Series on June 2, 2017), add “the” in front of “Good Morning America Concert Series”.
I am confused by this part (The song was also performed in several revised shows including). I do not know what you mean by “revised shows”.
I have two issues with this sentence (This marked their first single since the departure of original member Camila Cabello in December 2016.). One, I would discourage you from starting a sentence with “This” as it can lead to confusion about what you are referencing. Two, I do not understand the placement of this sentence in the lead. Right now, it is at the end of the third paragraph and follows information on the song’s promotion (i.e. the music video and live performances). This sentence deals more with the song’s release, and seems better suited for the first paragraph. In its current placement, it seems rather abrupt.

Background and release

Please add ALT text to the image of Gucci Mane.
Please link Fifth Harmony on the first use in the body of the article.
I do no think that the link for “music producers” is necessary.
The sentence construction for this part (For the album, they picked up several music producers and contacted those with whom they could collaborate, between them the duo Ammo and DallasK who had produced their biggest success "Work from Home" (2016).) is rather awkward. The first half of the sentence seems unnecessarily long. You can just reduce it down to something like “For the album, they contacted several music producers” as it is quite clear that they will only choose producers that they want to collaborate with. The second half of the sentence is awkward and needs to be revised as well.
Unless you have a source for this part (their biggest success), you will need to remove it. I would suggest removing either way, as this is an article on “Down” not “Work from Home” and it reads like a fan wrote that part and is too informal in my opinion.
Something about this part (Once the track was done) seems to informal to me. I would revise it to “After the track was completed”.
Is the “quickly" quote really necessary?
For this part (from Fifth Harmony's self-titled third studio album), I would expand the link to include the entirety of “self-titled third studio album”.
I would revise the last part of this sentence (It marked the group's first single as a quartet following original member Camila Cabello's departure, who left in December 2016 to pursue a solo career.) to following original member Camila Cabello’s departure in December 2016 to pursue a solo career.” as it is more compact and concise.

Composition and lyrical interpretation

Make sure to address the first sentence in the first paragraph. I have raised my concerns in the “Lead and infobox” section of this revew.
For this sentence (While Normani Kordei sings the second verse, "You the type that I could bake for / 'Cause baby, you know how to take that cake”.), the “while” does not make sense in this context as there is no point of comparison being made so remove it.
I would revise this part (who makes use of references to popular culture) down to (who references popular culture) to make it more concise.
For this part (similar to their 2016 single "Work from Home”), you can remove “their 2016 single” as you have already introduced the single in a previous section.

Critical reception

I read through this section a few times and I could not find any real structure for the two paragraphs. I would recommend that you make this section more cohesive and tell more of a narrative to the reader about the reception to avoid having this section appear like a random assortment of critics and their quotes. Please look at this essay Wikipedia:Copyediting reception sections to see what I mean.
I am confused by this sentence (Not all reviews were about the song's production and its resemblance to "Work from Home”.). This is rather obvious as the previous paragraph and even the previous sentences in the same paragraph have rreviews/critics that do not mention “Work from Home” at all. And after this sentence, you start mentioning the similarities to “Work from Home”, which is even more confusing. It may be helpful to put the critical comparisons between this song “Work from Home” into its own paragraph?

Chart performance

I could not find any major issues here. I have made some minor edits.

Background and reception

The section title does not make sense as this is about the background and synposis of the music video. The reception part is in the next section. Please revise the section title to reflect this.
I am not certain about the usage of the GIF. It is a non-free image, and I have been frequently advised to keep usage of non-free media to a minimal. I have been told that non-free media for this context should illustrate something to the reader, ideally something from either the production or critical commentary, beyond the prose. You include the Idolator quote in the image caption, and the “sexed up” is not addressing a specific moment in the video. I do not see a clear connection in the caption to justify the usage of the infobox image. I would either expand on the justification for the image, remove it altogether, or replace it with something else with justification.
This part (Jauregui is in the driver's seat, adjusting her rear-view mirror. Each member steps out of a Dodge Durango. All of them are dressed in retro-style outfits and head towards a room individually. Four doors close simultaneously as the title of the song appears. Jauregui is in a room as dim violet neon lights brightens it as an electric fan circulates air.) requires a citation.

Reception and accolades

For this first sentence of the first paragraph, please put the writer’s name in the prose.
Please link Fuse.

Live performances

Please include ALT text for the image.
For this part (During this performance all of the members wore ensemble outfits of black and blue jeans), please include a comma between “performance” and “all”.
Please italicize Good Morning America.
You mention in the lead that “It was included as part of their set list on the PSA Tour (2017-18).”, but the information is not in the seciton or cited.

References

For Reference 74, please do not put words in all caps in the title.

External links

I would clarify that the link is for the music video
Please add a link to the MetroLyrics page.

Final comments

Great work with this. Once my comments are addressed, I will look through the article again. I hope that you are having a wonderful weekend so far! Aoba47 (talk) 18:03, 30 March 2018 (UTC)[reply]

Verdict

Failing this as the nominator has not been active for a while. Aoba47 (talk) 23:34, 7 April 2018 (UTC)[reply]

The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.