Talk:Clovis Kamdjo/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Strafpeloton2 (talk · contribs) 02:37, 6 October 2011 (UTC)[reply]

I am a first time reviewer, though I hope I can provide some insight. On first review, it is my opinion that it needs more work before it becomes a Good Article. I am placing the review on hold until some of the concerns have been addressed. Please feel free to provide comments and ask questions. Strafpeloton2 (talk) 02:37, 6 October 2011 (UTC)[reply]

GA review – see WP:WIAGA for criteria

Is it reasonably well written?
A. Prose quality:
This is the criteria that is probably the most difficult and here needs the most work. See below.

B. MoS compliance for lead, layout, words to watch, fiction, and lists:
Some overlinking, including Mark Stimson and Barnet. Link relegation zone.
Is it factually accurate and verifiable?
A. References to sources:
This is good, although adding authors if applicable would make it better.

B. Citation of reliable sources where necessary:
Is soccerbase a reliable source?
I found out later that it is generally accepted. Strafpeloton2 (talk) 00:48, 20 October 2011 (UTC)[reply]

C. No original research:
Is it broad in its coverage?
A. Major aspects:
There are a couple of areas that need a little more information:

Is there any information about his loan stints?
I think it would be useful to note some information about the Cameroon national teams. How many games did he play for each? Any goals? Which tournaments?
Is there any information on his personal life? family? Cameroon?

B. Focused:
Good work.
Is it neutral?
Fair representation without bias:
Is it stable?
No edit wars, etc:
Not many total edits. No edit wars.
Does it contain images to illustrate the topic?
A. Images are copyright tagged, and non-free images have fair use rationales:
Are there any images available? A photograph of any sort would be useful.

B. Images are provided where possible and appropriate, with suitable captions:
Overall:
Pass or Fail:

More extensive comments

There are a number of areas where the prose needs to be more encyclopedic. Some examples (not all-inclusive):

wouldn't - avoid contractions
"… , and also featured for the Reserve side" - this comma is incorrect, don’t capitalize reserve, played instead of featured
"Manager Ian Hendon handed..."
"This flung Clovis..."
"was sacked"
"featured"
"... after impressing"
"injury crisis"
"North London club" - many readers won’t know which club you are referring to as the North London club
"hampered"
"pecking order"
"turn in Barnet's fortunes"
"ensure survival"
"nail biting"
"regurlary" - spelling error

There are some parts that could be explained better

Can you explain what "work experience" and trial mean?

There are some readability issues, including

This sentence is too long - "He went on to feature in the first team throughout September, October and November, but faced a lengthy spell out until late February when he required surgery after rupturing medial collateral ligaments and cartilage damage in a block tackle in the game against Hereford United, that hampered him settling into his new club." It also reads like the surgery happened in February
This is also long and confusing: "after being on trial following his release from Reading and his subsequent trial at Cheltenham" Break it up a little and maybe list in chronological order. A summary of his time at each team would also be good.
This section confused me: "He was sent out on work experience to Cheltenham Town and also had a trial with the club. He was released from the club in 2009 and joined Barnet on a free transfer after being on trial." There are too many "club"s and I don’t know which one he’s at.

A few other issues

"Reading first team squad as he is someone I look up to".[3] In the 2010–11 season Kamdjo only received one booking in 33 appearances which "is a testament to his fine tackling ability".[22] - both of these should have the period inside of the quotation mark
There is some passive voice which could be tightened up. For example, "The 2010–11 season saw..." It could be "Stimson was appointed in 2010..." There is also "The appointment saw..." and "this saw..."
"He scored his first career goal on 25 April 2011, scoring the opening goal in a 2–2 with Oxford United." - scored/scoring is redundant. Again for "scored his second goal for Barnet in the fourth game of the season, opening the scoring..." It could be something like "Scored the first goal in the 2-2 draw; this goal was the second goal of his career"
"former West Ham United, Liverpool and Cameroon international captain Rigobert Song" reads like Song was captain of all those teams.

I am going to fail and close this review due to a lack of activity. It seems like the article is in OK condition, there needs to be an improvement in the prose and there are a few topics missing for his career. Strafpeloton2 (talk) 00:48, 20 October 2011 (UTC)[reply]