Talk:Chinese cruiser Jiyuan/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Sturmvogel 66 (talk · contribs) 17:33, 23 December 2016 (UTC)[reply]

I'll start this shortly.--Sturmvogel 66 (talk) 17:33, 23 December 2016 (UTC)[reply]

No DABs, external links OK
Image appropriately licensed.
Don't tell me the builder and their location in the lede; save that for the main body. Simply tell the reader that the ship was built in Germany because the Chinese lacked the capability to do so. Feel free to ~~steal~~ borrow the phraseology used in Fuji-class battleship if you like.
replace "transiting" with "sailing" to keep things simple.

~~Stolen~~ Borrowed. Miyagawa (talk) 10:47, 9 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Do not capitalize captain in the lede, as it's not a proper nouns. Link it as well.

Done. Miyagawa (talk) 10:47, 9 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Link mine on first use.

Done. Miyagawa (talk) 10:47, 9 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Link boiler in the infobox. See Dingyuan-class ironclad for a well-laid out infobox with everything in the right place, etc.

Done. Miyagawa (talk) 10:47, 9 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

The only measurements not abbreviated in the infobox are those for long tons and knots.

I've abbreviated the others now. Miyagawa (talk) 10:47, 9 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Reciprocating engine is far too generic a term to use; give the specific type used, if available.

No information on the specific type of engine. However, I've added a slight bit more of a clarification from the body of text from Wright. Miyagawa (talk) 10:47, 9 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Here's a more exact link to the engine type: [[Marine steam engine#Compound engine|compound-expansion steam engine]] If you're going to do more of these Chinese ships (and please, please continue to do so!) it would probably be worthwhile to copy all of these wiki terms into Notepad++ or comparable text editor to save you the hassle of looking them up each time. If you'd like I can send you mine even though it's got a bunch of aviation terms.

I'd appreciate that, thanks. (Changed this one, btw). Miyagawa (talk) 20:04, 12 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Need to use the adjectival form in most of your templates, add |adj=on to the template's code. Only convert a measurement on first use.

Abbreviations fixed. Miyagawa (talk) 10:47, 9 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

internal shield of 3 inches what does this mean? More later.--Sturmvogel 66 (talk) 02:39, 9 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

A complete misunderstanding of what a gun shield was on my part. Rectified. Miyagawa (talk) 10:47, 9 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

steel barbette emplacements delete emplacements as redundant.

Fixed. Miyagawa (talk) 20:04, 12 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Missing links to a lot of cities in the career section

Added the missing Singapore and Shanghai links. Also noticed Chaoyong was typo'ed, and added the link properly there (and removed the later one). Miyagawa (talk) 20:04, 12 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Need to add the date she was laid down to the career section

Done. Miyagawa (talk) 20:04, 12 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Missing hyphens for these compound adjectives: forward mounted Krupp gun, short range torpedo firing

Done. Miyagawa (talk) 20:04, 12 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

This is awkward: self-defence anticipating a short range torpedo firing maybe something like "as her captain anticipated a short-range torpedo attack"? Not at all wedded to the phrasing, but something like that.

Done. Miyagawa (talk) 20:04, 12 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Jiyuan signalled early on that it was damaged and would be removing itself from the fight. Doesn't match the pronouns used elsewhere. Rephrase to say that the captain reported that the ship was damaged and that he would be withdrawing.
It was then manoeuvred into some nearby shallows, where it encountered difficulties in steering and steamed back into the engagement. While doing so, it collided with the Chinese cruiser Chaoyong, which subsequently sank. Same pronoun issue as the previous sentence.

Hopefully fixed the above two. Miyagawa (talk) 20:04, 12 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

It was manoeuvred into Change "It" into "The ship".

Done. Miyagawa (talk) 18:11, 13 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Don't capitalize captain in first sentence of the next paragraph.

I got called out on that in another article, and I've been fixing them in the newer workups, I just hadn't seen this one. Fixed. Miyagawa (talk) 20:04, 12 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

It's funny what sorts of things that a writer is head-blind to; I'm prone to "the the" as when I get distracted before I finish a thought and then don't recognise it's already there when I come back to it.

Captain Fong Peh-Kien was executed for his actions in the battle, wherein command was taken over by Shen Shou Ch'ang due to Fong's cowardice; Shen was killed during the battle. The timing here confuses me; what battle are you referring to here?

I've moved the relevent information up a paragraph so it's in the right order. Miyagawa (talk) 20:04, 12 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

the Jiyuan was the least damage. damaged

Fixed. Miyagawa (talk) 20:04, 12 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

it was kept well away pronoun

Swapped out for "docked". Miyagawa (talk) 20:04, 12 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

She was of several Chinese ships caught in the harbour of Weihaiwei when the Japanese laid siege over winter I expect you meant "one" of several and "the" winter.

I do. Fixed. Miyagawa (talk) 20:04, 12 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Huang was killed in a Japanese attack on the port. After being wounded, he was advised to go to Chefoo (now Yantai) for treatment. He refused, and instead had his wounds dressed and continued in his duties. Huang was injured further, being shot through the thigh, but still refused to seek treatment and remained with the ship where a few minutes later an explosive shell from a Japanese vessel killed him. Sequence is confusing here. Put his death at the end and get rid of the passive voice.

Re-written most of it. Miyagawa (talk) 20:04, 12 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Admiral Ding Ruchang, in command of the fleet, surrendered on 12 February, committing suicide shortly afterwards. And committed suicide. More later.--Sturmvogel 66 (talk) 17:17, 11 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Added. Miyagawa (talk) 20:04, 12 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Missed this earlier, move the boilers in the infobox to the ship power line because that's how the ship generates her power.

Done. Miyagawa (talk) 18:10, 13 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Hyphenate Stettin built

Done. Miyagawa (talk) 18:10, 13 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Typo: {{xt|in [[Shanghai}}
Fixed. Miyagawa (talk) 18:10, 13 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]
Link troop ship, Hong Kong, beached

Done. Miyagawa (talk) 18:10, 13 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

22 July alongside the gunboat Alongside really doesn't work here. This wording which always makes me think of "alongside a dock" or "side by side". Dunno if it has the same connotations for you. Try "together with" here and elsewhere.

Fair point. It's been a while since I was based on ships, so I forget considerations like that. Miyagawa (talk) 18:10, 13 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Standardise spelling of Weihaiwei

Done - also removed the rogue italics from one. Miyagawa (talk) 18:10, 13 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Captain Fong of the Jiyuan Fang or Fong?

Fixed all to Fang. Miyagawa (talk) 18:10, 13 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Jiyuan was repaired and rejoined the fleet on 7 August in Weihaiwei, with the Japanese attacking the port three days later, bombarding the defensive forts before leaving. Rephrase adding "shortly before" to tie the clauses together
Done. Miyagawa (talk) 18:10, 13 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]
Captain Fong Peh-Kien was executed for his actions in the battle. Command passed to First Lieutenant Huang Tsu-Lien Combine these.
Done. Miyagawa (talk) 18:10, 13 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]
with no decoration and docked away missing 'was'

Added. Miyagawa (talk) 18:10, 13 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Huang was injured during a Japanese attack. He refused treatment, instead his wounds were dressed and he continued in his duties. Combine these

Done. Miyagawa (talk) 18:10, 13 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

quick firing 6-pounders Move the hyphen from 6-pounders to quick firing. The guns are a noun while quick firing is a compound adjective modifying 6 pounders.

Done. Miyagawa (talk) 18:10, 13 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

By the end of the 19th century, there was already speculation about a potential conflict between Russia and Japan over Korea, which resulted in profiles and comparisons of their navies in the American press. So? How does this relate to the ship specifically?

Fair point. The only reason it ended up there was because the Chicago Tribune ran a profile of Saien, but it didn't really add anything that wasn't already covered. I've removed it. Miyagawa (talk) 18:10, 13 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

The loss of the Saien was thought to be insignificant; she was one of several Japanese ships to be mined out of Port Arthur during the period including the pre-dreadnought battleships Hatsuse and Yashima. Unpack and rework this. Why insignificant? And how do the other losses to mines relate? Add context to this bit.--Sturmvogel 66 (talk) 16:49, 13 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]

I've managed to add some more here. I hadn't noticed that the article explained the significance a bit better a few lines further on. Miyagawa (talk) 18:10, 13 January 2017 (UTC)[reply]