Talk:Cecil Brown (Hawaii politician)/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: MPJ-DK (talk · contribs) 22:40, 20 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Alright I will be picking up the review of this one - both for the Wiki Cup and the GA cup as well.

Side note, I would love some input on a Featured List candidate (Mexican National Light Heavyweight Championship) and a Featured Article candidate (CMLL World Heavyweight Championship). I am not asking for Quid pro Quo, but all help is appreciated. MPJ-US 22:40, 20 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]

GA Toolbox

I like to get this checked out first, I have found issues using this that has led to quick fails so it's important this passes muster.

Peer review tool

The tool indicates that the lead needs to be expanded, but my "readable prose" tool indicates that there is 9674 k of redable prose, which means 2 paragraphs is appropriate.
Would it be possible to remove the "the" from the section title?
- The "The" in the section heading is only there because the legal title of the bank includes the "The" (this was not the case with all national banks). Does that makes it permissible?

Copyright violations Tool

No issues brought up Y

Disambiguation links

No issues Y

External links

So the PDFs show up in the tool as "forbidden", but they open just fine for me so I am not sure what that's about, but it looks fine Y

Well Written

Is the capital "T" in the "The Royal School" appropriate? Done
"June, 1871" should not have a comma since there is no specific day listed Done
Could you replace " (January 28, 1875)" with "on January 28, 1875." so it's a natural part of the sentence? Done
"Hawaii in 1876" - was it only in 1876 that he represented clients in the Supreme Court? Or just the first time? If it was the first time I think "by 1876" is correct Done
"was adopted on July 4, 1894" should be "that was adopted on July 4, 1894" Done
"September 18, 1876[25] and Brown was elected.[26]" nothing is lost by moving reference 25 to the end of the sentence, but it reads better that way. Done
"close, but unsuccessful" does not need the comma Done
"appointed clerk to", not sure about legal positions but either "the clerk" or "a clerk"? Done
"Kingdom’s directory (for 1880)" does not really need the parenthesis. Done
Is there any links that might help explain what "Agent to Take Acknowledgments to Instruments" is?
- Sadly, no. I added the footnote. I could show it as an article that needs to be written, but my searching only found this title in use in the Hawaiian Islands, without much clarification...
"three appointments (in 1887)," could be rewritten to do without the parenthesis. Done
"(and appointed Chair of the Judiciary Committee)", again I think can be done without the "side note" Done
Again the sentence starting with "(after declining an" could be rewritten without the parenthesis and would flow better if that was done Done
"from May 30 – July 3" should be "from May 30 to July 3" Done
"Park Association (Treasurer)" and "Jockey Club (Treasurer)" same as above and a lot more, it reads less like prose and more like a bullet list that just had the bullets taken off. Done and slightly reworded.
"In September, 1892", no comma after September, Done
"September, 1899" again no comma Done
" organizers strategized that", I am not sure "strategized" is the appropriate word, perhaps something along the lines of "anticipated" or "hoped" or the likes. Done
"July, 1900" no comma. Done
"He arrived in Hawaii November 4, 1914" should be "He arrived in Hawaii on November 4, 1914" Done

Sources/verifiable

They look good over all, news papers, constitutions and so on, I believe they're all reliable and have the appropriate data filled in. Y

Broad in coverage

Yes Y

Neutral

Yes Y

Stable

Looks to be, but it's only been around for a week or so Y

Illustrated / Images

File:US-NBN-HI-Honolulu-5550-1882BB-10-1-B (clipped signature).jpg - is CC 4 really appropriate? Yes some guy took a picture of money but that's not the same as that person having the copyright to the actual dollar bill? I think the tag listed for the full-size bills is probably more appropriate?
- Absolutely correct. Done

@Godot13: - I have completed my initial review and will put the article on hold for at least 7 days to allow for updates to be done. Please let me know when you're ready for me to check on your updates. The good news is that i did not find a lot of problems, so good job so far. MPJ-US 00:26, 21 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
- @MPJ-DK: - Many thanks for picking up this review! This is my first GA nomination. I'll start going through and addressing (fixing) your areas of comment and ping you when they are all resolved or with questions.--Godot13 (talk) 01:14, 21 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  - @MPJ-DK: - I've made all but two of the corrections suggested (see above re: "The" and any link for the "Agent to Take Acknowledgments" appointment). Question- in the beginning were you suggesting I add more to the lead? Balance the info in two more proportional paragraphs? Thanks-Godot13 (talk) 02:00, 21 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
I think that in this case the "The" is okay since it's part of the official title so that's okay with me. And as for the "Agent of"... if nothing can be found to explain this then that's how it is, it's better to keep what you have in there even if it's only a partial piece of information. So looking at your fixed I will do another read through to see if you've hit GA level or if there is anything else that I can point out. MPJ-US 02:20, 21 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]

@Godot13: - I am satisfied after reading it again that this is indeed a Good Article, congratulations. I am going to start the process to get the GA approval done MPJ-US 04:00, 21 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
- @MPJ-DK: - Many thanks for your review and comments!--Godot13 (talk) 04:59, 21 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]

Outside comments

"Royal School,[7] a private school founded by his maternal aunt Sarah Rhodes Von Pfister." - This is an inaccurate correlation. Cecil Brown attended her school but she did not found the Royal School Sarah Rhodes Von Pfister had no affliation with the Royal School which was founded by the Cookes and later taught as a public day school by Rev. Edward G. Beckwith and later Alexander Mackintosh.--KAVEBEAR (talk) 04:08, 21 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
Also Kanai should be respelled as Kauai.--KAVEBEAR (talk) 04:09, 21 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
- KAVEBEAR- Thanks for pointing out the error regarding the school, it has been fixed. I also made the change to Kauai. The misspelling is in the Google record, do I need to note the difference, or just leave it as is (changed)?--Godot13 (talk) 04:55, 21 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]
  - The source doesn't mention Royal School only Pfister's school and then the Grammar School afterwards. I don't understand what line are you getting Royal School from. The title should reflect what the book's title in the text is not what Google Books says.--KAVEBEAR (talk) 14:26, 21 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]