Talk:Cato June/GA1
GA Review
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Needless to say, this article is very detailed and well-done. That bring said, I did find some issues to fix:
- The lead feels a bit long for my tastes. Mainly, is that much about his high school career really necessary in the lead? I'd trim the second paragraph.
- I trimmed over 25% of the text.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 03:09, 7 September 2009 (UTC)
- "Troy, an assistant coach at Anacostia, and his father recruited June. He transferred to Anacostia High School." These two sentences can probably be combined. Splitting it makes it feel odd.
- "described as top DCIAA defensive back who scored 18 two-point conversions as a running back and returned three kickoffs for touchdowns" needs tweaking. Right now it sounds like he was described as someone who had all those two-point conversions etc. Also, a top back or the top back?
- It should be O.K. now.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 05:03, 7 September 2009 (UTC)
- "June played under coach Willie Stewart who coached them in seven consecutive appearances in the DCIAA championship three of which June was a part of winning one in 1995 where June was MVP" Run-on, and structure needs tweaking
- "At Michigan the coach Lloyd Carr was a former defensive backs coach." Um.. ok. I don't see how this fits in, unless there's something missing. Reword.
- I am not sure if there is something there or not either. I left it and reworded it.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 04:21, 7 September 2009 (UTC)
- "June recorded 9–tackles as the Colts improved to 5–0 prior to their bye week," The article just jumps from the preseason to here, which is kinda jarring to the reader.
- This is a WP bio, not a weekly summary. Week by week detail would be inappropriate. The article is highly detailed as it is.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 04:27, 7 September 2009 (UTC)
- I understand that. It just needed a segue added in so the reader got that weeks were skipped. I went and did that.
- This is a WP bio, not a weekly summary. Week by week detail would be inappropriate. The article is highly detailed as it is.--TonyTheTiger (t/c/bio/WP:CHICAGO/WP:LOTM) 04:27, 7 September 2009 (UTC)
- "June also expected defenses to run at him because his 6-foot (1.8 m), 227-pound (103 kg) build was small for an NFL strongside linebacker. June was one of the smallest linebackers in the NFL." These two sentences should probably be combined for better flow.
- "In the game, which gave the Bucs an undefeated 3–0 division record," What game?
I'll put the article on hold and will pass it when these issues are fixed. Wizardman 02:40, 7 September 2009 (UTC)
Everything looks good now, so I'll pass the article. Wizardman 16:05, 7 September 2009 (UTC)