Talk:C. Edmund Kells/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: AryKun (talk · contribs) 08:12, 2 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Pretty comprehensive article, but the prose could be tightened up a bit. Here's What I've got so far. AryKun (talk) 08:35, 2 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]

"cancer was spreading up his" → "cancer has started spreading up his"
- Thanks for the review. In this case, I don't like started because it had most likely started much earlier than that (though we don't know for sure). Larry Hockett (Talk) 01:05, 3 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
"Kells fatally shot himself" → The phrasing is a bit odd, "committed suicide" sounds better
- I would be open to other phrasing, but I'd like to avoid suicide if possible. There's a long-running debate about the potentially offensive nature of “committed”, while the proposed alternative ("died by suicide”) has never sounded quite right to me. Larry Hockett (Talk) 01:05, 3 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
"Born in New Orleans on October 21, 1856, Kells was the son of" → "Born in New Orleans on October 21, 1856 to"
- I prefer the original since it retains the subject of the sentence. Will try to tweak the wording if I can better understand the objection. Larry Hockett (Talk) 01:05, 3 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
" Achsah (née Cook)" → "Achsah Kells (née Cook)"
- This is a fairly common way of delineating the names of parents on WP and saves us from redundancy. Larry Hockett (Talk) 01:05, 3 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
You should probably add a bit about when in Kells' life the Civil War occurred (i.e. what age he was when it happened) before the part about his memories of the Civil War.
- The source doesn't specify. Larry Hockett (Talk) 01:05, 3 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
"so he missed" → "and consequently missed"
- I'd prefer to keep the shorter construction here, but again, I'll reword if there's a specific issue with the original. Larry Hockett (Talk) 01:05, 3 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
"The governor was restored to power after three days, but Kells later" → "Although the governor was restored to power after three days, Kells later"
- Done. Larry Hockett (Talk) 01:05, 3 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
Wikilink New York College of Dentistry.
- Done. Larry Hockett (Talk) 01:05, 3 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
"and while he was in New York, he often visited the laboratory of Thomas Edison in Menlo Park, New Jersey." → "And often visited Thomas Edison's laboratory at Menlo Park while he was in New York."
- I felt like switching the clauses around could introduce confusion (about who was in New York - Kells or Edison), but I did change "laboratory of Thomas Edison" to "Thomas Edison's laboratory". Larry Hockett (Talk) 01:05, 3 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
"Returning to New Orleans" → "After returning to New Orleans"
"made it so that women could" → "allowed women to"
"Wilhelm Röntgen discovered X-rays in 1895, and Kells" → "After the discovery of X-rays in 1895, Kells" Also, wiki link X-rays.
"aspirate fluid or irrigate a body" → either wiki link aspirate and irrigate or explain what they mean.
"treatments, and he refused" → "treatments, and his refusal"
"X-rays to attempt to justify" → "X-rays to justify"
"dentistry but included" → "dentistry, but also included"
Are the costs of his houses and plots really relevant in the personal life section? Feels like WP:TRIVIA.
Everything else seems fine with the article. AryKun (talk) 06:36, 13 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]
Hey, @Larry Hockett:, will you be finishing up the rest of the suggestions? AryKun (talk) 09:31, 21 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Ah, sorry about that. I did not notice the rest of the feedback. My home internet has been down, so I'm mostly doing vandalism patrolling from my phone. I'll try to get somewhere with a connection this week where I can knock out the rest of the feedback. Thanks for the message. Larry Hockett (Talk) 20:40, 21 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]

AryKun, apologies for the delay. I think I've addressed the feedback above. I did remove the costs of the house and the lot. Thanks for the review. Let me know if I can address anything else. Larry Hockett (Talk) 00:50, 23 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]

Everything else is all good, so I'll be passing the article. AryKun (talk) 16:07, 26 September 2021 (UTC)[reply]