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GA Review

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Reviewer: CorporateM (talk · contribs) 02:00, 22 July 2014 (UTC)[reply]


I'm going down the list of BLP or corp pages under the Economics/business GAN list and this is next up, except for a couple paid editor noms and one by user:FreeRangeFrog I figured I would avoid to avoid speculation of quid quo pro editing. If not tonight, I should be able to start the review tomorrow morning. CorporateM (Talk) 02:00, 22 July 2014 (UTC)[reply]

I've gotten started on it; more to come soon. CorporateM (Talk) 03:21, 22 July 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • Greetings CorporateM. Sorrowfully, unanticipated circumstances have curtailed my availability for editing Wikipedia. I will not be able to participate in this review any further. I think it is fair of you to fail the nomination, and thank you for all that you have done throughout this process. As a direct result, the article has been significantly improved. Thank you again.—John Cline (talk) 09:46, 12 September 2014 (UTC)[reply]
 Done Hopefully some day you'll have time to come back to it! CorporateM (Talk) 13:02, 12 September 2014 (UTC)[reply]


Lead

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The new Lead looks really good
This sentence has been copyedited to incorporate the suggested, more neutral, introduction.—John Cline (talk) 04:42, 23 July 2014 (UTC)[reply]
This was corrected with the above mentioned copyedit.—John Cline (talk) 04:42, 23 July 2014 (UTC)[reply]
I extended the lead's mention of Adams' election to company president to include mentioning who actually elected him. It is still presented in summary style however; I will ensure the article's body elaborates this point by further extenuation.—John Cline (talk) 04:42, 23 July 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "When Adams succeeded Frank Phillips as president of Phillips Petroleum Company" Suggest trimming as redundant with the prior sentence about being elected to the position CorporateM (Talk) 03:21, 22 July 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "During his tenure, through innovation, diversification, and streamlined operations, Adams transformed the successful oil production company; entrusted him, into the global industrial giant he would entrust his successor, Stanley Learned." Can we find a better way to describe this? Such as by explaining the growth under his tenure using revenue numbers, number of office, countries of operation, etc. CorporateM (Talk) 03:21, 22 July 2014 (UTC)[reply]
I copyedited this sentence to improve its readability; reducing it to a fuller summation. The particulars regarding how this was achieved and the statistical specifics supporting its inclusion are included within the article's body. I will ensure the body is sufficient to carry the sentiments of the lead's summary.—John Cline (talk) 04:42, 23 July 2014 (UTC)[reply]
I have trimmed the lead by removing mention of his birthday/retirement celebration. The particulars of that event are adequately covered within the article's body, and arguably; the event does not rise to the defining level expected of lead worthy inclusions.—John Cline (talk) 04:42, 23 July 2014 (UTC)[reply]
I had hoped to convey his propensity to donate personal funds to assist in developing and maintaining certain civic institutions within the town of Bartlesville. The introduction is made a bit awkward because Adams was not from Bartlesville, yet it is the town he is most associated with.[1][2]—John Cline (talk) 09:09, 29 July 2014 (UTC)[reply]
 Done—John Cline (talk) 09:09, 29 July 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Six years after that, he was elected president of the company by the unanimous vote of the company's Board of Directors." Can we change this to a date as to avoid using a double reference point? CorporateM (Talk) 05:47, 29 July 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Added date on second point to eliminate the disjointed reference point.—John Cline (talk) 09:09, 29 July 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Copyedited entire article to reduce the excessive use of semicolons.—John Cline (talk) 09:09, 29 July 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Actually no. Adams died five years after leaving the Phillips board. Most of his sourced accomplishments surround his leadership of the Phillips corporation, and the philanthropy and university boosting, which I am aware of, occurred concurrently with his career. I intend to purchase The Boots Adams story, but its publishing date of 1965 assures it won't have much information about his "retirement years".—John Cline (talk) 09:09, 29 July 2014 (UTC)[reply]

 Done

Early life

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keeping thing tidy
I modified the prose to reflect what I believe was being suggested. This modification should have addressed the first 3 bullets which is why I indented the second 2. I hope I achieved the clarity being recommended. Please follow on if more should be done.—John Cline (talk) 04:42, 23 July 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Removed the speculative synthesis. Sources confirm that Adams both participated, and excelled in extracurricular programs, in particular: football, basketball, and baseball. The sources do not suggest any aspirations were connected to this participation.—John Cline (talk) 11:55, 23 July 2014 (UTC)[reply]
 Done—John Cline (talk) 11:55, 23 July 2014 (UTC)[reply]
I restated the university's name to preclude the potential for misunderstanding.—John Cline (talk) 11:55, 23 July 2014 (UTC)[reply]
I listed the sports he played.—John Cline (talk) 11:55, 23 July 2014 (UTC)[reply]
 Done—John Cline (talk) 11:55, 23 July 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "He would have graduated the following year but economic circumstances required him to place his academic aspirations on hold and instead, enter the workforce right away." Do the sources provide any explanation on what "economic circumstances" were at work? CorporateM (Talk) 03:21, 22 July 2014 (UTC)[reply]
I was unable to source any specific circumstances. I copyedited the sentence to attribute it as a decision, without suggesting what may have underpinned it.—John Cline (talk) 06:43, 28 July 2014 (UTC)[reply]
 Done—John Cline (talk) 06:55, 24 July 2014 (UTC)[reply]

A few nit-nacks:

  • Do we by any chance have a last name for John?
The surname was Adams. I had taken this from the example at WP:SAMESURNAME where "Ronald and Nancy Reagan ..." is shown as correct form.—John Cline (talk) 20:50, 16 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • I'm not sure there is a need to put "large scale regional flooding" in quotes if we can just write our own description of the events
Copyedited to modify prose.—John Cline (talk) 20:50, 16 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "over a dozen" -> "more than a dozen"
 Done—John Cline (talk) 20:50, 16 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • I think if there is some way to make the second half of the first paragraph more concise, but either way would be fine..
Trimmed a bit.—John Cline (talk) 20:50, 16 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "He enrolled into Kansas" - I'm not really sure if this should be "in" or "into"
Into is acceptable,[3][4] and it eliminates the redundancy of the subsequent preposition, "in the fall", which of course can not use into.
  • "academic aspirations" -> "academics"
 Done—John Cline (talk) 20:50, 16 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]

CorporateM (Talk) 19:10, 16 August 2014 (UTC) One last thing for this section: "Adams said he was happy that the work involved heavy lifting, because it helped him maintain his physical conditioning while he waited for classes to begin at the University of Kansas.[2]" Would it be better to say "school sports" or something? I presume the physical conditioning wasn't actually related to "classes" per se. CorporateM (Talk) 00:33, 17 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]


 Done

Career

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Tidying up
  • "Boots Adams helped organize and also played for the Phillips 66ers, a semi-professional basketball team sponsored by the Phillips Petroleum Company." Do we have a date/time-period for when this occured? CorporateM (Talk) 03:21, 22 July 2014 (UTC)[reply]
I edited the prose to show what year the inaugural team was organized in. The Life source bears this out.—John Cline (talk) 07:30, 28 July 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Because of his team affiliation, Adams was offered employment with the company." Sometimes the sources are not specific about this kind of information, but I think it would be useful to know (if available) how his being a player on the team led to his employment. CorporateM (Talk) 03:21, 22 July 2014 (UTC)[reply]
The Life source states: "Phillips produces its championship teams by offering 'career jobs' to the [best prospects]". The same source also shows a picture taken in 1948, 27 years later, where the entire inaugural team was still employed in these "carrier jobs". Another source, Lawrence Journal-World, mentions that Adams met Bill Feist while delivering ice [to what another source identified as the YMCA]. It was there and from then that employment/team organization was propositioned, discussed, and ultimately accepted, by Adams. Another source, interestingly, shows that Adams arrived his first day wearing "coveralls" and work boots where he was met by Fiest and asked where he was going? To the warehouse department, Adams replied, when he was told they didn't really have a warehouse and the office he would work out of was located inside of the towns main bank. He was sent home where he put on his "Sunday best"; wearing a suit and tie to work every day thereafter. That is a bit of the back story.—John Cline (talk) 07:30, 28 July 2014 (UTC)[reply]
I did notice that you were pretty busy right now CorporateM, and I am not trying to hurry you (there is no time limit). I did want to shout-out hello to you, nevertheless. Cheers.—John Cline (talk) 05:51, 16 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Sorry, today is my wife and I's anniversary, but I will return to this tomorrow. CorporateM (Talk) 13:39, 16 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Early executive years

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Extended content
  • I'm not sure what this sentence means: "the teaming was considered as an odd couple managing the company's front office"
The source says, "... he and Phillips made rather an odd couple at the top of the chain of command." This because each man was the antithesis of the other, like Felix Unger and Oscar Madison were to each other in The Odd Couple (1970 TV series). I wikilinked the television show to allude to this type of comparison. I removed the link to front office as this does not correlate well with the "top of the chain of command", favoring "the company's highest office."—John Cline (talk) 01:45, 17 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
My suggestion: "The teaming was...an odd couple" -> "Boots and Phillips were... an odd team" CorporateM (Talk) 03:08, 17 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
I agree that this is a better fit.  Done—John Cline (talk) 04:47, 17 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "aside opposition within the executive corps." -> "despite opposition from executive staff"
 Done—John Cline (talk) 04:47, 17 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "A conservative criticism of the relationship between Phillips and Adams suggests mildly that "They often disagreed as to how the company should be run."[11]" -> "According to _______ "They often disagreed...." or "Phillips and Adams often disagreed about"
 Done—John Cline (talk) 04:47, 17 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "amber light of caution relented to a green light of authority to move forward" much too metaphorical
Replaced ambiguous metaphor with factual clarification.—John Cline (talk) 04:47, 17 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Just before becoming the president of Phillips Petroleum, Adams turned his attention to the company's amateur basketball team." Could probably be trimmed
Trimmed slightly.—John Cline (talk) 04:47, 17 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Boots Adams, remembering his days as a member of the Phillips 66ers, wanted to revive the program. " Also trimmable, we should always be cautious in including someone's alleged motives with a leniency towards not doing so. CorporateM (Talk) 19:21, 16 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
I agree, replaced synthesized presumption with statement of fact.—John Cline (talk) 04:47, 17 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Attribution added.—John Cline (talk) 09:25, 18 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • At a glance, the following sentences come to mind as potentially trimmable
  • "Phillips instructed Adams: "I'm going to object to everything you do, but you go ahead and do it anyway." (redundant with the prior sentence, but might be ok)
Restructured prose in most recent copyedit.—John Cline (talk) 09:25, 18 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Prior to becoming the president of Phillips Petroleum, Adams turned his attention to the company's amateur basketball team."
Copyedited sentence to remove the extraneous prepositional phrase.—John Cline (talk) 18:53, 17 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Adams signed... Lastly he recruited..."
 Done—John Cline (talk) 18:53, 17 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "At the 1938, stockholders and board of directors annual meeting Phillips said he wanted K.S. Adams, "the fast-talking young man from Kansas with the big ideas, [to] be elected as the new president of Phillips Petroleum Company"."
Copyedited prose to clarify with a more succinct delivery.—John Cline (talk) 18:53, 17 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Restructured prose a bit further in the most recent copyedit.—John Cline (talk) 09:25, 18 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Adams was referred to as Frank Phillips' "visionary disciple" in Gale Morgan Kane's book, Bartlesville Means Business."
Modified with above mentioned copyedit.—John Cline (talk) 18:53, 17 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Moved sentence and modified its prose a bit further.—John Cline (talk) 09:25, 18 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
I still think this is promotional and not informative, but I won't be a stickler for it. CorporateM (Talk) 13:16, 18 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
CorporateM (Talk) 14:32, 17 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Although the 66ers lost the championship that year, 43–38, columnist Chet Nelson called the game "the greatest game Rocky Mountain fans ever witnessed."" - what made the game so great? CorporateM (Talk) 14:32, 17 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Added some details to hopefully reduce the ambiguity regarding this statement. To gain a fuller appreciation of the excitement this game generated, the reader would have to research the included source to gain further insight. To include the Nth detail here requires disproportionate prose and belies the summary writing style endeavored. I am open to suggestions, and further collaborative considerations if it is deemed to be needed.—John Cline (talk) 09:25, 18 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Some of this "visionary disciple" and "dream team" stuff I still think is promotional and un-informative, but I won't be a stickler for it. CorporateM (Talk) 13:22, 18 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]

I understand, and primarily agree. Here is my take on what happened: Because I researched the sources, I am aware of the "back story" which relates to each of these points. Their inclusion was originally more of a placeholder to me. To remind of a relevant chapter in the story of Boots Adams' life. I can see that these "placeholder points" do not fit well; standing alone. So, I will either produce the separate subsections of expanded prose which bears on these points, or I will remove the point until such time when I or someone else appends the clarifying prose these placeholders require. Fair enough?—John Cline (talk) 16:19, 18 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Both monikers have been removed.—John Cline (talk) 08:25, 20 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Nevertheless, Adams was able to secure Frank Phillips' confidence, and the authority to move his ideas forward.[14][15]" Do we have any examples of his business accomplishments? This section has a really heavy focus on the amateur sports team and I just realized upon re-read doesn't say much about his work as an executive except regarding his relationship with the President. CorporateM (Talk) 02:31, 20 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
The years which included his building of the 1937 team were his years as Assistant to the President. During that period, he was not at liberty or at large to decide or dictate policy. Assisting the president, and seeing his directives implemented, were the primary norm. Reconstituting the team is currently the only effort I know of where the buck stopped at his desk, before actually becoming president of the company. Aside that, his building the team, coupled with his participation as a player are cited for his induction into the AAU HoF. It also demonstrates his "Achilles heel"; a propensity of high expectations and meticulous attention to detail. Either a son, or a grandson is alleged to have committed suicide under the stress of trying to "make proud". Also his son Bud is quoted as saying, in effect: that he loved basketball but couldn't build a team because he could never meet his Dad's expectations; citing the 1937 team his father built. And of course, Bud instead pursued football, building the Houston Oilers as a charter member of the AFL, through all changes in city and name unto the Tennessee Titans. These form part of the reason it is included.—John Cline (talk) 08:25, 20 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Years as company president

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Extended content
  • "which he intuitively sensed as profitable" a bit metaphorical and editorialized. It could probably be trimmed as redundant with the following "he felt the company was well poised to capitalize one."
Firstly, I greatly appreciate the copyedits you have effected. The article can only benefit, and has, as a result. Also, it has become clear to me that the encyclopedic tone is negatively affected by the excessive metaphoric contrast and purple prose I originally used. I will next be looking at these suggestions, and looking ahead, to reduce this fact. And again, I appreciate where you have demonstrated some of these using live examples.—John Cline (talk) 21:21, 19 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Modified prose to reduce color and remove references to Adams' intrinsic motives.—John Cline (talk) 23:11, 19 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "He started by purchasing mining rights for natural gas." -> "Under his leadership, the company purchased mining rights..."
 Done—John Cline (talk) 23:11, 19 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "reaped the benefits" and "poised to capitalize" could be done in a less metaphorical language
Removed non-encyclopedic contrast.—John Cline (talk) 23:11, 19 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Their goal was to glamorize the trendsetting benefits of constructing a more modern style home" - > "They sold modern-style homes that ______ "
 Done—John Cline (talk) 23:11, 19 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Adams also elevated a start-up venture called Pace Setter." -> "Adama invested in a startup-up?"
Modified prose to say that Adams purchased a Pace Setter home, and allowed his name to be listed as an advocate.—John Cline (talk) 23:11, 19 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Adams sensed the need" -> "Adams had the foresight" (or something) I think it would be best to avoid "sensing" anything.
Removed allusions to intrinsic sense-abilities.—John Cline (talk) 23:11, 19 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "No longer could Big Oil depend on roughnecks alone to extract wealth by the stringency of their stamina and physique." This sentence sounds like advocacy and should be replaced.
Replaced sentence with reduced sentiments. let me know if it requires more.—John Cline (talk) 23:11, 19 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Adams was determined to" -> "Adams decided to"
 Done—John Cline (talk) 23:11, 19 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • The very last two sentences and the sentence starting with "He noticed the rapid growth" could use some copyediting/trimming. The "rapid growth" sentence seems to suggest he got the company involved in developing patents, but it is never stated.
Further in the article it does speak of patented discoveries the company owned, and there are others not currently mentioned. Nevertheless, I agree with you that a copyedit is needed. I will get to it this evening I hope, but don't have the free time right now. Cheers.—John Cline (talk) 16:31, 18 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
  • A BLP's early life is almost always sterile, but typically it's around this point that they become CEO of a major oil company that their actions are under intense public scrutiny. If there are no criticisms in the source material, than so be it; I was just surprised not to see any mis-haps in his diversification strategy (some investments that do not pay off, or a spill related to trying something new)
There are published criticisms of Boots Adams, I'll have to look at incorporating a section to cover that aspect. I will set about doing this right away.—John Cline (talk) 23:11, 19 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]

CorporateM (Talk) 13:48, 18 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Synthetic rubber section

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  • "as it was clear that the war could not be won unless synthetic rubber could be produced in a sufficient quantity to support the war effort" - I think this may be crystal ball and/or a bit of dramatization CorporateM (Talk) 02:48, 20 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
Removed dramatic overtones.—John Cline (talk) 07:19, 20 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
I will review the material and provide citations inline.—John Cline (talk) 07:19, 20 August 2014 (UTC)[reply]
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