Talk:Bob Mann (American football)/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: MWright96 (talk · contribs) 18:19, 26 March 2020 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks MWright96! Cbl62 and I collaborated on this one, so we both will hopefully be able to work through any comments you have. Cheers, « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 19:06, 26 March 2020 (UTC)[reply]

It is reasonably well written.
a (prose): b (MoS for lead, layout, word choice, fiction, and lists):
It is factually accurate and verifiable.
a (reference section): b (citations to reliable sources): c (OR):
It is broad in its coverage.
a (major aspects): b (focused):
It follows the neutral point of view policy.
Fair representation without bias:
It is stable.
No edit wars, etc.:
It is illustrated by images and other media, where possible and appropriate.
a (images are tagged and non-free content have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
Overall:
Pass/Fail:

Don't believe that African American needs to be linked per MOS:OVERLINK
"He signed with the Green Bay Packers near the end of the 1950 NFL season and was the Packers leading receiver in 1951." - repetition of the word "Packers"
- All done. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 14:03, 27 March 2020 (UTC)[reply]

"His father, Dr. William Mann," - don't use titles such as Dr. per MOS:DOCTOR
- Done. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 14:04, 27 March 2020 (UTC)[reply]

"He joined the school's football team," - wikilink the word football to college football
Wikilink touchdown for non-football readers
- Both done. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 14:06, 27 March 2020 (UTC)[reply]

Wikilink scrimmage to Line of scrimmage for those unfamiliar with football
- I reworded instead of linking. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 14:06, 27 March 2020 (UTC)[reply]

"Although a ban on African American players in the NFL was denied by team owners at the time, no African American" - try to avoid using the phrase African American twice in one sentence
"Mann appeared in all 12 games for the Lions, but was not included in the starting lineup in any of the Lions' games" - similar issue as above
"it took many years for African Americans players" - typo; should be African American
"He had played two years of basketball at Hampton Institute but did not play basketball at Michigan." - but not at Michigan.

Wikilink exhibition game for non-sports readers
"Kerbawy ran back through the play-by-play account of the game and discovered she was right." - the sentence is too closely worded to the UP source and will need to be reworded per MOS:LIMITED
The acronyms of United Press should be included in parentheses

"Adding fuel to the negotiations," - not so sure that this is an encyclopedic statement. Better to reword it so that it is more neutral to be safe
- Done. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 21:58, 27 March 2020 (UTC)[reply]

"the Lions had asked him to take a 20% pay cut." - the % symbol should be replaced per MOS:PERCENT
"The Lions' response to Mann's charge was a statement that they felt Mann was too small" - he
"Mann filed a lawsuit against the NFL based on his belief that NFL owners" - close repetition of the word "NFL"
- All done. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 21:59, 27 March 2020 (UTC)[reply]

"he appeared in the Packers' final home game against the San Francisco 49ers, becoming the first African-American to play for the Packers." - try not to repeat the same word in the same sentence
- Done. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 15:21, 27 March 2020 (UTC)[reply]

"who elicited comparisons to Packers' great Don Hutson," - great is not netural and will need to be removed as well as the sentence undergo a minor rephrasing
"Mann, who "was open all afternoon as the Bears chased Howton"" - according to whom?
- Done both. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 21:56, 27 March 2020 (UTC)[reply]

"the 252-pound Afflis" - use the {{convert}} template on the text in bold
- Done. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 15:23, 27 March 2020 (UTC)[reply]

Those are the issues I found during my readthrough. Will put on hold for the time being. MWright96 (talk) 13:16, 27 March 2020 (UTC)[reply]

Cbl62, it looks like everything has been addressed. Is there anything else you want to address before notifying MWrright96? « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 22:05, 27 March 2020 (UTC)[reply]

I will do a further read-through later today. Good teamwork. Thanks again. Cbl62 (talk) 22:16, 27 March 2020 (UTC)[reply]

Awesome. Feel free to notify MWrright96 when you are finished with your review. I completed my review. « Gonzo fan2007 (talk) @ 22:30, 27 March 2020 (UTC)[reply]

@MWright96: Thanks for your good comments. Ready for you to take another look. Cbl62 (talk) 05:51, 28 March 2020 (UTC)[reply]