Talk:Bob Lemon/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Wizardman (talk · contribs) 14:15, 20 December 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Since the article hasn't had good luck getting an actual review, I'll provide one. Will take a few days since my editing's still getting back to normal. Wizardman 14:15, 20 December 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Just noticed the writer's last edit was December 9, so I won't worry about trying to rush through this. I'll do the other sections gradually, though I'll try not to go too slow. Wizardman 23:41, 21 December 2012 (UTC)[reply]

If the nominator is AWOL for a long period of time, I'll pick up responding to these comments, but I won't be able to until the first week of January most likely. – Muboshgu (talk) 19:08, 23 December 2012 (UTC)[reply]

I knocked out some of the easy stuff and I tweaked the sentence structure to help with the flow. I left some of the bigger stuff, like reorganizing the section structure and researching Lemon's coaching and military careers. I will mark my edits below. EricEnfermero ^Howdy! 20:05, 1 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Here are the issues in the lead and early life sections:

"At the age of 17, Lemon began his career in the franchise's minor league systems" what franchise? Done
" fired as manager of the White Sox and one month later named Yankees manager and led the team to a championship," feels like a run-on with all the and's. reword a bit. Done
"and state baseball Player of the Year in 1938" player of the year should be lowercase. if it really is official, than it should be capitalized in the lead, though I believe in lowercase is right. Done
"He spent the next two seasons at Class A level" at the Class Done
"In his final stint in the minors before he ascended to the majors, Lemon hit .268 with the Baltimore Orioles of the International League." Noting the 21 home runs would be useful, I think, since adds a bit of interest as to why he was moved to pitcher later on. Also note 1942 somewhere in there. Done
Make sure to abbreviate American League with (AL) alongside it on first mention. Done

Here are the issues for Major League career:

Instead of how the subsections are now, Having it as 2.1 utility, 2.2 pitcher, 2.3 WS, 2.4 retire would be better; the Indians were his only major league team so that section isn't needed.
Is there anything more on his military service? I know his wasn't a huge story like Feller or Ted Williams since he was just a prospect at the time, but I'm sure there's a bit out there.
"and missed the entire seasons from 1943–1945." and missed the next three seasons sounds cleaner. Done
"with an AL-season best 20 " with an AL-best Done
I don't think the World Series games should be capitalized. Done
"During the 1949 season, as Lemon was batting .295 and 11 of his 18 hits were for extra bases, including six home runs," were these his final totals or was this at some point during the year? Reword a bit if the former. Done
"and 17–14 record." and a 17 Done
"Upon completion of the 1952, " the 1952 season, Done
link Opening Day Done (first mention is a bit higher in the section)
"In 1954 he was 23–7 as Cleveland won the pennant. " Ths is a rather strange start to the paragraph, as it's thrust right in. It should say he went 23-7, and it feels like something more could be added here as well, since I'm sure there's something of note that happened during the season.
"his first losing record since the first year he pitched in 1946 (he finished 4–5)" can just be shortened to "his first losing record since 1946." Done
"The oldest Indian on the roster at age 37 and coming back from an off-season where he was proscribed rest for his elbow, Lemon pitched 3.1 innings over the span of two games before he was put on the Indians' disabled list in April 1957 and sent to the Triple-A San Diego Padres. There he continued physical conditioning as well as mentored the pitching staff of the Indians' top farm club." A lot of this is hard to read, though I can't put my finger on why. Make the prose a bit crisper here. Done
"He returned to pitch for the Indians in a game on May 25 but for the second consecutive year did not finish out the season, appearing in only nine games (as a reliever) with the club for all of the 1958 season." the last sentence noted 1957, and it moves to the next year out of nowhere. Make that more clear. Done (the whole thing should have referred to 1958)
"He accepted a role with the Indians, including a scout position." could probably just say that he accepted a scouting position; saying he got a role sounds too vague. Done

Here are the issues for everything after:

"he became a coach with Indians." with the Indians. Done
Is there a way the coaching stuff could be a bit more smooth? It reads a little overly blunt, just jumping to years and teams. This is more an FAC matter though, since everything at least makes sense.
"as a model for his managing style." should be a colon since a quote follows. Done
"Lemon received a one-year contract extension with the club." as above. Done
"I saw Lopez get made only twice. " I presume this is meant to be get mad? Done
"76–78 in it was Lemon's last" in what was. Done
"the Yankees defeated Boston for the division title in their famed tie-breaker game," 'their famed' isn't really needed here. Done
"won a World Series" note/link the 1980 World Series. Done
"and but remained with the organization" rm and Done

The article was a bit tough to review, since some areas have great prose while other spots just fall flat. It's a lot more inconsistent then I'd expect from one person writing it. I'll put the article on hold and will pass it when the issues are fixed. Wizardman 01:33, 1 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]

I'd still like to see the sections and coaching parts fixed up a bit. The military note is more for FAC or post-GA. Wizardman 04:28, 3 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]

I looked through some military stuff for Lemon, and little comes up. There's enough to add a sentence or two, but it's not a glaring hole in the article like it would be for Feller. While I'm not comfortable with it FA-wise yet, it does pass all GA criteria, so I'll pass it. Wizardman 03:16, 5 January 2013 (UTC)[reply]