Talk:Atsushi Nakajima (Bungo Stray Dogs)/GA1

GA Review

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Reviewer: Aoba47 (talk · contribs) 02:30, 25 August 2019 (UTC)[reply]

Grabbing for a review. Aoba47 (talk) 02:30, 25 August 2019 (UTC)[reply]

Lead and infobox

I would revise this part (In the story, he is 18 years old, and he used to live at an orphanage, before abusive caretakers threw him out. Their condemning him as "worthless" traumatized him and has driven his will to fight and to find a reason to live.) to something like (Atsushi is an 18-year-old orphan who was thrown out of an orphanage after being considered "worthless"; this experience motivates his will to fight and find a reason to live.) to make it somewhat more concise.

Revised.

I am not sure the Japanese translation of "Beast Beneath the Moonlight" is really necessary. It seems odd that this would get a Japanese translation, yet many other things do not get it.

This mention is repeated a lot in the series at least when Atsushi faces Fitzgerald and Ivan. Is it necessary?

I just do not think it adds much to the article and the reader's understanding, but it is up to you. Aoba47 (talk) 16:12, 25 August 2019 (UTC)[reply]

For this part (he has a pure and good heart and fights hard to protect others), I do not believe "hard" is needed.

Done

This sentence (Despite his lack of confidence, he has a pure and good heart and fights hard to protect others, resulting in his taking former assassin Kyōka Izumi under his protection, after being hired by Dazai to work with Dazai's group of detectives in Yokohama.) is very long and dense with plot information. I would revise it to avoid the length. I would also avoid saying Dazai's name twice in the same sentence if possible.
For this part (Atsushi is based on the real-life writer Atsushi Nakajima and one of his works,), I do not think "real-life" is needed. I think it would be assumed the person is real unless said otherwise. I would also specify what is meant by "works" (i.e. is it a book, a play, a poem, etc.).

Done.

For this sentence (Atsushi was created as a weak-but-relatable character who would be searching for his purpose in life.), I would clarify who created the character.

Done.

I have a question about this part: (and the impact it has on the audience.). I am uncertain on what "it" is referring to here. I had initially thought "it" was referring to the character, but in that case, it would be "he" instead.

Could you be more specific? I don't know that place.

It seems that part is no longer in the article. Aoba47 (talk) 16:12, 25 August 2019 (UTC)[reply]

This part (with critics offering different opinions with regard to whether it was fitting to have such a weak-willed character who lacked self-confidence) is rather awkwardly worded so I would clean up the prose with some revision. I also do not really see this criticism clearly shown in the "Reception" section.

Revised.

I have a comment for this part (his rivalry with Ryūnosuke Akutagawa, of the Port Mafia,). I would use a better descriptive phrase for the character. The concept of "the Port Mafia" was not introduced in the lead so it does not mean much to an unfamiliar reader.

Revised

For this part (his caring for Kyoka, earned positive responses), I would use "care of" instead of "caring for".

Done.

This part (due to how much stronger he becomes when interacting with them, allowing him to undergo a notable character arc.) reads rather awkwardly and could be reduced down without losing any information. It seems too wordy right now.

Revised.

I do not think this part (and among anime fans in general) is necessary.
I would add ALT text to the image.

Done

Be consistent with putting the accent in Kyōka's name.

Done.

Creation and design

I have several comments for this part (Manga writer Kafka Asagiri originally created the fictional character of Atsushi as a 24-year-old man rather than a young adult.). The full character's name should be used on the first mention in the body of the article. This part "the fictional character of Atsushi" could just be cut down to the character's name. Also, this part "as a 24-year-old man rather than a young adult" does not make sense as a 24-year old and a 18-year old can both be considered in the "young adult" age range. I would either cut "rather than a young adult" or specify the new age.

Done.

I would revise the image caption as there are a few issues with it. There is no reason to preface the author's name with the fact he is a real person. The caption is not a complete sentence so it should not be punctuated. Also, Nakajima also did not really influence Atsushi directly; rather, he was an influence on his character design.

Removed the image. I think the issues are too much

I would add ALT text to the image.
I do not understand what this part (gave him white hair with the image of a white tiger) means. Was the white hair inspired by a white tiger?
I am uncertain if this sentence (Atsushi's hair was going to be either white or blonde, and white was selected to fit in with the tiger's image.) is necessary. The previous sentence covers that the white hair choice was inspired by a tiger, and I am not certain if the "blonde" part is worth mentioning. If you really want to keep the "blonde" part, I think it can be better incorporated in the section.

Done.

For this part (The fictional character was based on the late write), remove late. Late is somewhat of a euphemism of dead and euphemisms are discouraged.

Done.

I have a suggestion for this part (The illustrator said it would be easy to draw the main character in white in any scenario). I would avoid phrases like "The illustrator" per Wikipedia:The problem with elegant variation. I had a tendency to use these a lot in the past too, but I would highly recommend avoid "the X" as a replacement for something.
There are two points to be made about this part (who once wrote a book named Sangetsuki, which portrays a character, similar to the Bungo Stray Dogs protagonist, who can transform into a tiger, although he cannot control this power). Remove "once" and specify the publication date for the book. The comma after "character" is not needed".
This part (as he knelt in front of a stained glass window) does not seem necessary. It is a nice detail from the story, but it does not seem necessary.
I am confused by this part (Anime director Takuya Igarashi took artistic license). He took artistic license with what?

Done

I do not understand what "emotional reality" means.

Is it still? I can't find it.

It was changed to "emotional trauma". Aoba47 (talk) 16:13, 25 August 2019 (UTC)[reply]

I would condense this part (Another liberty Igarashi took in the making of the anime series was in handling the fights between Atsushi and Ryūnosuke Akutagawa, where he decided to indicate there was intense violence but not clearly show it to the viewers. As a result, rather than showing gore, scenes of intense violence are shown with the characters in silhouette in front of a red background) down to (Igarashi also took liberties with Atsushi's fights with his rival Ryūnosuke Akutagawa; to avoid showing gore, scenes of intense violence represent the character in silhouette in front of a red background.).
I have two comments for this part (was impressed by the role of mentor the detective Dazai had with Atsushi and Atsushi's rival Akutagawa). This is the first time you are mentioning Dazai in the body of the article so use his full name and wikilink him. Also, the prose is a little awkward here. I would instead say something like "was impressed by how detective Osamu Dazai mentored Atsushi and Akutagawa".
This sentence (When first reading the manga, anime director Yasuomi Umetsu was impressed by the role of mentor the detective Dazai had with Atsushi and Atsushi's rival Akutagawa, which was symbolized in the opening and ending video sequences of the anime series, resulting in scenes where Dazai is seen trying to condescendingly pat their heads, while also noticing that Atsushi's actions also impacted himself.) is way too long and dense with information. I would revise it.
This sentence (The band Luck Life noted how Atsushi had recovered enough from his tragic life in the orphanage to be able to assert himself after being picked by Dazai to join the Detective Agency.) seems out of place. I am assuming Luck Life did some music for the anime, but the mention of this band seems to come out of nowhere. The band also just seems to be recapping the anime/manga's plot so I am not sure what this adds.

You think I should move this to another section? I mean it's different parts of the Bungo's staff.

The sentence could be kept in this section, but it is not made clear that Luck Life is part of Bungo's staff at all. Luck Life is only identified as some band in the article. I am also no entirely certain how useful this sentence is because it is already made clear in other sentences that Atsushi developed more confidence over the course of anime/manga. If the sentence is kept, the link between Luck Life and Bungo needs to said in the article. Aoba47 (talk) 16:34, 25 August 2019 (UTC)[reply]

For this part (is noted for focusing on Atsushi's personality as he aims to become a stronger person), clarify who is "noted" this.
Add the year that the film was released for this part (For the film Bungo Stray Dogs: Dead Apple).
I would avoid former/latter in the article, as used in this part "was changed to focus on the former's psychological growth".
This part seems odd (Due to the impact of Chūya Nakahara's actions in the film when confronting Dazai, Asagiri had to balance the script in order to let the trio of Atsushi, Kyoka, and Akutagawa have important roles.) because it has not been established who Chūya Nakahara and what these actions were (or what any of the actions of the movie were).

Revised.

I have a similar issue with this part (An idea not present in the movie was to have the late mafia member Sakunosuke Oda save Atsushi by his ability to see into the future.). It is hard for me as someone who knows nothing about this anime/manga to really understand what this all means.

Revised.

I am a little confused by this part (Nevertheless, while Atsushi becomes stronger in the movie, Asagiri claims that the idea behind his character stays true to his original persona of being a weak and relatable person.). I get making a character relatable, but the creator really wanted to keep the character weak as a basis of his persona? That seems like an odd choice.

Revised.

I have a question about this part "Despite facing difficulties in showing the character's strength". Any clarification on what these "difficulties" are?
Any further information on Mittelman?

Sadly not. I searched everywhere but Mittelman talks more about a character from Persona 5.

Understandable. That is why I asked. Aoba47 (talk) 16:34, 25 August 2019 (UTC)[reply]

My primary concern with this section is that it presents a lot of plot information and character names when the plot has not yet been established at this point so it is very confusing for a non-familiar reader like myself to really understand everything. I am not entirely certain on how to correct this, but it is an issue.

So, should I move it to before Reception?

The information would not fit in the "Reception" section because it is not about the reception of the show. You just need to make sure the information in this section would make sense to a reader unfamiliar with Bungo. Aoba47 (talk) 16:34, 25 August 2019 (UTC)[reply]

Appearances

I would avoid the short paragraphs in the "Other appearances" subsection. The information should flow together more cleanly rather than staggered out into individual parts.

Done

I know that this has just received a GOCE copy-edit, but I have concerns about the prose. For instance, in this sentence "He then saves detective Osamu Dazai from committing suicide, who at first becomes angry with Atsushi.", I am not sure about the placement of the "who..." sentence clause. I usually see this kind of clause right about the person being described. I am also surprised a copy-editor would leave orphanage misspelled in this part (expelled from an orpahange). There are also some parts that are not fully transparent to an unfamiliar reader; for instance, who is the "Port Mafia" being referenced in this part "He also learns he is the target of the Port Mafia, who seek the tiger"? Again, I know a GOCE copy-edit just took place, but I still think the prose (in the overall article) needs improvement. I will go through this section more carefully in once my first set of comments are covered though.

I'll ask for another copyedit.

Comments on first read-through

I am going to stop here as I have already put up quite a bit of comments. After reading carefully through the lead and the "Creation and design" section and doing a cursory glace at the "Appearance" section, I have doubts about the prose. I know a GOCE copy-edit was just done, but I still think improvements are necessary. I am also a little concerned with the readability of certain parts. I know absolutely nothing about the manga/anime, and some parts left me confused. I can tell that a lot of great work has been put into this so I do not mean to sound discouraging. I would be perfectly happy to work with you through everything, but I will just leave these comments as a starting point. Let me know if you have any questions. Aoba47 (talk) 03:46, 25 August 2019 (UTC)[reply]

@Aoba47: I requested another copyedit.Tintor2 (talk) 13:50, 25 August 2019 (UTC)[reply]

I have done some copy-edits to the article, which you can see here. In response to your question here about aborting the review, I think it is best to end it for now. I still see issues with the prose, and another copy-edit should hopefully solve that at least somewhat. There are also still parts that would require expansion or further clarification for an unfamiliar reader to understand. For instance, in this sentence (The dynamic between Atsushi and Kyoka was changed to focus on Atsushi's psychological growth), how was the dynamic changed and what is the "psychological growth"? Something called "the Guild" is referenced in this sentence (Uemura believed some lines Atsushi has when interacting with people from the Guild) without any introduction or context? I am sorry, but I am going to ✗ Fail this as I believe it needs further work outside of the GAN space. Aoba47 (talk) 16:53, 25 August 2019 (UTC)[reply]