Talk:Atheis/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Mark Arsten (talk · contribs) 19:47, 3 April 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Well, since I abhor backlogs, I'll do my part and review this article. Mark Arsten (talk) 19:47, 3 April 2012 (UTC)[reply]

^_^ Crisco 1492 (talk) 23:04, 3 April 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Lead

"The Sundanese-influenced Indonesian used in the novel harkens back to earlier works by Minang writers, as opposed to Mihardja's contemporaries." I didn't really understand this, but it still might be Ok, no need to dumb it down too much.

Tried to clarify

Plot

"is a fair student" Fair as in light-skinned, or fair as in somewhat intelligent?

Somewhat intelligent, but not key to the plot (methinks).

Might want note which year/decade the story begins in.

If I remember correctly (my copy is in Canada right now), it's not explicitly stated. Added "in the early 1940s" as the date of his move to Bandung, as he worked for the Japanese occupation government (which was in power 1942 - 1945)

"which results in him being disowned." "him being" isn't a very good construction, I think.

Changed

"Three years later, Hasan's relationship with Kartini is souring. Both are becoming suspicious that the other is unfaithful." I'd suggest combining these two sentences.

Changed

Alright, above fixes look good. Mark Arsten (talk) 15:56, 4 April 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Characters

Not much to complain about here, might be good to note the characters' occupations in this section though.

That would require waiting about two weeks (my parents are [hopefully] bringing the book with them when they come here)

Ok, not a deal-breaker. Cool that you parents are coming to visit.

We have a ton of articles on different Anarchist and Marxist streams, so you might want to double check the links in that regard.

Pretty sure of it; Rusli is described as Marxist-Leninist by several writers, and Anwar is described as both a nihilist and anarchist.

Styles

"This is followed by what is described by the original narrator as a manuscript by Hasan, which tells Hasan's life story from Hasan's point of view using the less respectful term "aku"." Bit of repetition of "Hasan" here.

Changed.

"However, Mihardja wrote that it was simply to ease in the plot's resolution." This sentence isn't too clear to me.

Changed

"According to Teeuw, this is because Mihardja had been raised with Sundanese and Dutch" Sundanese and Dutch languages or people?

Clarified

Might want to try to cut down on "writes that" in this section.

Removed three from the text

I made a few more prose tweaks, fairly minor ones, I think. Mark Arsten (talk) 20:01, 4 April 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Themes

"Mahayana et al. note that main theme, faith, is found throughout the novel; they also write that when Atheis was published the question had never been dealt with in a modern Indonesian novel." Maybe flip this around so the part about the question follows the previous sentence?

How's this? Not exactly what you had in mind, but...

Not a deal-breaker, but this section doesn't seem to flow particularly well.

Hopefully my changes work a little better

Symbolism

"is meant to be realistic and not symbolic, several interpretations have been put forward." might want to specify that these are symbolic interpretations.

Changed

"one of the most common interpretations conveyed to him" Are the interpretations things that he saw in the book or what people have told him? Might be able to tighten this up a bit.

Clarified

Would it be possible to make a "Themes and symbolism" combined section or would that be a stretch.

How's this?

Writing and influences

Real picky here, but you use "associating" in one and then "associated" in the next, maybe use a different word?

Changed

"among the most common ideologies in Indonesia at the time were Marxism–Leninism and anarcho-nihilism; this influenced his choice to depict Rusli and Anwar as followers of the movements." Can you think of a good way to tighten this? Mark Arsten (talk) 15:34, 5 April 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Tried something. Crisco 1492 (talk) 23:20, 5 April 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Release

"by 1970 it had seen three Malay-language printings" Is "seen" the right word here? I can't seem to figure out a better way to say it.

Changed

Re-orged a little here, hopefully not too much.

Reception

"they also disagreed on the novel's perceived lack of in-depth discussion of religion" Who did they disagree with? I'm not clear on this.

That's in the one source, I'll get it later.

"They found the characters of Rusli and Anwar as not truly representing the thoughts of thinkers like Karl Marx and Friedrich Nietzsche." This reads kinda wordy to me.

Trimmed

Alright, the article looks pretty good overall, the only question I have is about Mihardja. At the end of Release you write that he had a spiritual awakening of sorts, was he an atheist when he wrote the book? Mark Arsten (talk) 00:55, 6 April 2012 (UTC)[reply]

I'll have to break out the self-written source for that (It's in there). Crisco 1492 (talk) 01:14, 6 April 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Alright, I think I've got everything. Crisco 1492 (talk) 01:26, 6 April 2012 (UTC)[reply]
- I think you have, all I came up with was the prose changes and the question about his faith. The characters occupations int eh character section would be nice, but isn't urgent. Since I did a spotcheck on your last one I'll skip that this time. References look ok--so I guess I'll pass it. Mark Arsten (talk) 01:34, 6 April 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  - Alright, I guess I'll thank you for the review ^.^ Crisco 1492 (talk) 01:53, 6 April 2012 (UTC)[reply]