Talk:Arturo Guzmán Decena/GA1

GA Review

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Reviewer: Sarastro1 (talk · contribs) 13:36, 8 December 2012 (UTC)[reply]

I'm really, really sorry about this, but I'm going to have to fail this article. It is unfortunate it has been waiting for a review for a ridiculous amount of time, and I can only sympathise on that point. I've only read about two-thirds of the article, but have found many issues. The most serious issue is one of close paraphrasing. Many parts of the article are very close to the wording of the source. Given that some parts of the article are written in more fluent prose style, I have concerns that this may be repeated throughout, but I cannot check all the sources. I have fully reviewed what I have read, and listed the close paraphrasing concerns from the checks I did (every check I performed showed a problem). But I must fail the article. Sarastro1 (talk) 15:22, 8 December 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Lead

"a Mexican Army Special Forces soldier who defected in 1997 to become the founder and commander of Los Zetas": Not a big deal, but is "defected" the right word here? Can you defect to create something? Maybe "absconded" or something similar.
"the former mercenary gang at the service of Osiel Cárdenas Guillén": Don't think we need "former" here, as it presumably wasn't former at the time.
"he proved to be a talented and bright soldier": Slightly POV; perhaps "he was judged to be"
"earning himself a position": Perhaps "was chosen to join"
"and learned how to track down and apprehend his enemies from an elite combat group trained by the U.S. Special Forces and the Israel Defense Forces.": I think the order is a little confusing here. Perhaps cut "from an elite combat group trained by the U.S. Special Forces and the Israel Defense Forces".
Why do we need references in the lead? As long as it is included in the main body, it does not need referencing.
"For several years, he recruited several other members of the Mexican Armed Forces": Several … several.
"His career came to an end on 21 November 2002, when he was gunned down and killed by the Mexican Army": I think it is obvious his career ended when he was killed. Maybe just "He was gunned down and killed on 21 November 2002 by the Mexican Army."

Biography

"His talents and aggressive behavior earned him a position with an elite Mexican military group called Grupo Aeromóvil de Fuerzas Especiales": Again, not sure about "earned". Maybe "For his talents and aggressive behavior, he was chosen for a position…"
"originally trained in counter-insurgency tactics for the Zapatista uprising in 1994 and for locating and apprehending members of Mexico's drug trafficking organizations": Is this about him or about the GAFE? Not clear.
"But his training came into practice": No need for "but" here.
"Now one of the brightest, highly-trained, and bloodiest members in the GAFE": Again, possibly POV. Maybe "Considered by his superiors to be…"
"it was not common for them to defect the army": Missing word after "defect"
"it is still unclear exactly why Guzmán Decena defected the army": Again, missing word, and there should not be any italics within the article.
"For years, some military generals accepted to take bribes from the cartels": No need for "to" within this sentence.

Close paraphrasing concerns and other spot-checks.

Verifiability:"Guzmán Decena, however, shattered that model and left the military in 1997 to work full-time with a drug trafficking organization.": I cannot find any reference to this in the stated source.

Text: "Guzmán Decena reportedly received military training from the Israel Defense Forces."
Source: "He reportedly received training from the Israeli military"

Text: "Investigators say that Guzmán Decena first worked with"
Source (I can only see google snippet view, and this is all I get): "Investigators say Guzmán Guzman first worked with"

Text: "amid the turmoil, Guzmán Decena acknowledged that he was better off outside the system"
Source (I can only see google snippet view, and this is all I get): "Amid this turmoil, Officer Guzman decided he was better off outside the system"

Text: "asked Guzmán Decena to help him recruit and set up the most ferocious hit squad possible for his cartel"
Source (I can only see google snippet view, and this is all I get): "asked his recruit to set up the most ferocious hit squad possible"

Text: "Although supposedly Cárdenas Guillén's equal, Gómez Herrera's manipulative personality annoyed Guillén"
Source: "Although supposedly an equal to Osiel, El Chava…" Nothing about being manipulative.

Text: "Gómez Herrera was cordially invited to ride in Cárdenas Guillén's…"
Source: "Gomez Herrera, whom he cordially welcomed into the passenger side" (Cordially is unusual to use in this sense anyway)

Text: "They exchanged laughs and talked for a few minutes."
Source: "They bantered for a few minutes, exchanging laughs and quips"

Text: "coldly fired a bullet into Gómez Herrera's head without hesitation, splattering his brain tissue and blood across the leather dashboard"
Source: "suddenly and coldly fired a bullet point blank into El Chava's head, splattering brains, blood, and tissue across the leather dashboard"

GA review – see WP:WIAGA for criteria

Is it reasonably well written?
A. Prose quality:
Quite a few problems identified. Major issue with close paraphrasing

B. MoS compliance for lead, layout, words to watch, fiction, and lists:
Is it factually accurate and verifiable?
A. Has appropriate reference section:

B. Citation of reliable sources where necessary:

C. No original research:
Is it broad in its coverage?
A. Major aspects:

B. Focused:
Is it neutral?
Fair representation without bias:
A few minor issues with POV words or phrasing
Is it stable?
No edit wars, etc:
Does it contain images to illustrate the topic?
A. Images are tagged with their copyright status, and valid fair use rationales are provided for non-free content:
One image with appropriate fair use rationale.

B. Images are relevant to the topic, and have suitable captions:
Overall:
Pass or Fail:
I'm afraid there are too many paraphrasing issues for this article to pass. And there is too much to do than is possible in the scope of a GA review.

When these issues are addressed, the article can be renominated. If you feel that this review is in error, feel free to take it have it reassessed. Sarastro1 (talk) 15:22, 8 December 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for the review. I'll take some time to fix the requests, but I'll get to them. ComputerJA (talk)