Talk:Arthur Rhys-Davids/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Sturmvogel 66 (talk · contribs) 17:06, 3 February 2013 (UTC)[reply]

I'll start this shortly.--Sturmvogel 66 (talk) 17:06, 3 February 2013 (UTC)[reply]

The lede needs to summarize the article. Most of the info in the 2nd para duplicates what's in the main body. It should also be combined with the first para of the lede.
Detailed family history not really relevant and should be summarized if included at all.
Bronchitis is hardly notable, even given primitive methods of treatment back then.
How does a stammer affect one's ability to play rugby. All of this school stuff should be summarized or slimmed down.
What does this mean? In July 1913 Rhys-Davids won his Division or Class, beating his nearest rival by 53 marks. In Eton terms, he was now considered a specialist. All this bit could be summarized in that he was an excellent student and won some competitive scholarships, etc.
Put a comma after "pilot": A talented pilot the RFC
Delete "had" Rhys-Davids completed basic training and had flown three hours solo at Netheravon.
This whole bit is awkward and raises more questions than it answers: Rhys-Davids completed basic training and had flown three hours solo at Netheravon. He graduated to operational types. He hoped to gain his flight certificates by Christmas 1916, but that involved 25 hours solo flying, night landings, cross country, artillery observations, bomb dropping and aerial photography. At Upavon he flew Royal Aircraft Factory B.E.2s and Avro 504s. By December 1916 he had completed his training and was flying without an instructor regularly. When was he at Netheravon? There's no mention of it previous to this. Of course he wanted to fly operational types, that goes without saying. Why couldn't he get his flight certificates by Christmas? If he'd finished his training, one would expect that he always flew without an instructor.
Link "loop" and observer aircraft
Aircraft registration #s unnecessary unless that specific aircraft is notable.
Fix this: Rhys-Davids headed for British lines his engine streaming water
Too short; merge with the paragraph ahead of it.
Did the Germans actually attack or did they disengage when they spotted the British fighters? On 20 May he flew a bomber escort mission and fought off an interception by German fighters when they saw the presence of the British fighters
Names of others awarded the MC at the same time are not relevant.
Typo: two more Albatross'
Delete the "a" was piloted by a Lieutenant Harold A. Hamersley
This is awkward: Squadron leader Caldwell, 609, saw as is this: Rhys-Davids spotted the Albatross and dispatched it, firing from 100 to 30 yards severely damaging the machine, belonging to Karl Menckhoff, which force-landed.
Why is time mentioned now since it wasn't given earlier? And does it really matter? Rhys-Davids then returned to base at 18:35–18:40.
Watch for overlinking in main body and in the table of victories.--Sturmvogel 66 (talk) 05:07, 10 February 2013 (UTC)[reply]

It's been two weeks already, what going on here?--Sturmvogel 66 (talk) 05:14, 27 February 2013 (UTC)[reply]

I can't complete it now. I probably won't have time yet for a month or so. Can this be restarted at a later date? Dapi89 (talk) 15:22, 7 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]

Sure, just let me know whenever you've had a chance to respond to these comments and are ready for a new nomination.--Sturmvogel 66 (talk) 16:08, 7 March 2013 (UTC)[reply]