Talk:Anthony Stewart (ice hockey)/GA1

GA Review

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch

Reviewer: Ravenswing (talk • message • contribs • count • logs • email) 21:16, 1 September 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Just at a quick glance, there are several problems. First are sentences full of less-than-grammatical sportswriterese, such as the unsourced "Growing up in a poor neighborhood of Toronto Stewart became a standout minor hockey and Major junior player" which is the second sentence of the lead, or "He struggled personally in his second World Junior Championship, but finished the tournament with a gold medal," also in the lead. (Could he struggle any other way than "personally," may I ask?)

Reworded the lead & made a few other changes.

There's also the very ungrammatical usage of quotation marks as apparent emphasis: "the two were walking in a "blizzard" ..." "moved to a subsidized shelter in a "rough" neighbourhood ..." So far, not so good. ῲ Ravenswing ῴ 21:16, 1 September 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Quotes weren't for emphasis they are the words used by the sources. I thought that was the proper way to add wording from sources that could border on POV. At any rate I've removed them.--Mo Rock...Monstrous (leech44) 02:11, 2 September 2011 (UTC)[reply]

The following's copied from my talk page ...

Yes, I do. Just for openers, I'm seeing a number of grammatical and typographical errors. Take this paragraph for an example:

Stewart played minor hockey for the North York Canadians. He played so well that the cost of his hockey was subsidized personally by the head of the organization. With Stewart on the team the Canadians won three All-Ontario championships After finishing his minor hockey career Stewart was selected in the first round of the Ontario Hockey League (OHL) draft by the Kingston Frontenacs. In his fist season in the OHL Stewart scored 19 goals and 43 points. In the 2002–03 season Stewart increased his production, recording 38 goals and 70 points and added seven more points in five playoff games. In the off season Stewart became captain of the Frontenacs and was drafted in the first round of the NHL draft. Going into the 2003 NHL Entry Draft Stewart was rated as the 19 best prospect for North American skaters. With their second first round draft pick, the 25th overall, the Florida Panthers selected Stewart. The following season Stewart's productions dripped to 58 points but, he scored a career high 35 goals, as the Frontenacs missed the playoffs. Stewart attended the Panthers training camp prior to the start of the 2004–05 OHL season. He had an impressive camp but was sent back to juniors to help his growth as a player. In his last OHL season Stewart led Kingston in scoring with 67 points. The Frontenacs missed the playoffs for the second straight year, as such Stewart played made his professional debut, playing 10 games for the American Hockey League's (AHL) San Antonio Rampage. He scored a goal and two assists during his 10 game stint.

Third sentence: Comma after team. Sentence missing a period.
Fourth sentence: Comma after career.
Fifth sentence: "First" season. Comma after OHL.
Sixth sentence: Comma after season. "Adding," not "added."
Seventh sentence: "Off-season" "Was named captain" is preferable phrasing, although that's optional.
Eighth sentence: Comma after draft. "19th" best prospect, not "19."
Tenth sentence: "Production," not "productions." Comma before "but," not after. I'd also phrase the sentence "While the Frontenacs missed the playoffs the following season, Stewart scored a career-high 35 goals." - the way it's phrased, it implies that his scoring 35 goals materially led to the team missing the playoffs.
Fourteenth sentence: "As such Stewart played" ...? Horribly awkward and ungrammatical. Perhaps it should read "After the Frontenacs failed to make the playoffs for the second straight year, Stewart made his professional debut ..."

That would be too many errors to support an article for GA were they all the errors the article had, let alone those in a single paragraph. Ravenswing 11:47, 11 September 2011 (UTC)[reply]

I made the changes based on your comments above. I typically have someone look over articles for grammar. I thought I had done that prior to nominating it for a DYK, obviously I didn't. I'll have someone look it over in the next day or two.--Mo Rock...Monstrous (leech44) 21:04, 11 September 2011 (UTC)[reply]

I got some more copy-editing done. I also put in a request for a ce from the Guild of Copy Editors. I have no ideal how long it might take for someone to pick up the article and go over it. If no one has responded in what you feel is a reasonable amount of time feel free to complete your review/pass/fail the article as you see fit. Thank you for the review.--Mo Rock...Monstrous (leech44) 19:04, 12 September 2011 (UTC)[reply]

Withdrawing

I am going to with draw the nomination at this point. The article is waiting for a CE which may take a while and I'm on a bit of a Wiki break, so I can't guarantee that I'll see any changes made to the article or anything that will need to be done to promote the article after the CE is done. Plus with the new season approaching there may be more information available about career highlights and personal information in the 2011-12 Cains media guide that I might be able to find online and add in. After this article receives a CE I will consider taking it back to GA.

Thanks for your time in reviewing the article to this point.--Mo Rock...Monstrous (leech44) 20:09, 30 September 2011 (UTC)[reply]

The information of Anthony getting Chris back into hockey

I see you removed the information in the article about Anthony getting Chris back into hockey. While I understand your concerns that it's a lot to do with Chris it also shows Anthony's impact on Chris' life. It's Anthony who convinces Chris to give hockey another try and Anthony who get's him a try-out. While it is Chris who ultimately has to make the team and do something with the opportunity, it is Anthony who gives him that opportunity. I think that this can be included in the article because it does show Anthony's impact on Chris' life. While we'll never know if he would have been a professional football player we do know that his life was significantly changed by Anthony's intervening. I might be able to trim it down some to keep the focus on Anthony's part in the story but would want to include his draft info since Anthony has called it "was one of the proudest moments in his career"

I re-added the information about Chris currently playing in the NHL since it is common practice to mention a sibling playing professionally in the personal section of hockey players.--Mo Rock...Monstrous (leech44) 16:53, 14 September 2011 (UTC)[reply]