Talk:Amsterdam/GA1

GA Review

Citations

Anywhere where citations needed marked on the actual article with the {{fact}} tag.

Overall copy and Wikipedia:MoS problems

Entire sections of the article are somewhat oddly phrased. It's difficult to pinpoint specific areas but the article as a whole lacks a certain flow. I've tried to mention the awkward phrasing in my comments below, but it appears to be a more generalized issue. I'm not sure if this is as a result of translations from Dutch sources but the article is very choppy... parts of the text that feature long strands of simple sentences can be combined and made into more reader-friendly complex sentences. For example, instead of "The Rijksmuseum possesses the largest and most important collection of classical Dutch art. It opened it's doors to the public in 1885. It collection consists of one million pieces of art." How about... "The Rijksmuseum opened in 1885 and has a collection of one million pieces of art, including some of the most important examples of classical Dutch painting." This is just one example of many areas that can be improved.
Make sure that citations follow after punctuation
Write out acronyms in their first instance

Lead

What does of 175 nationalities mean? Perhaps its best to just say "cosmopolitan"?
How can a metro area have 1 or 1.5 million people? Unclear. Please choose a metric, preferably a Dutch gov't/EU standard.
Is the "global city" fact worth a mention? Not sure of consensus on issue.

History

Overall issues: The history section seems largely incomplete and mentions items of dubious historical importance when there are probably more significant events in the history of Amsterdam that could be mentioned. For example, how did the Netherlands/Amsterdam come under Spanish control in the first place and then what was Amsterdam's role in turning the country back into a kingdom? how did WWII end, when did the Nazis leave? what happened to the city's economy post WWII? did Amsterdam have a significant role in the formation of the European Union? Extremely important events are entirely left out!
"The first known record of Amsterdam is 27 October 1275, when the inhabitants of a late 12th century fishing village, who had built a bridge with a dam across the Amstel, were exempted from paying a bridge toll by count Floris V." Awkward. Split up in necessary.
Bad: Local Romance Better: Local legend ... needs citation
Explain confusion between 1300 or 1306 for city's founding
Bad: alteration to the protestant faith Better: Protestant reformation
"the tenth penny" what is that?
Bad: hotbed (too conversational) Better: global center
Why is "North Sea Canal" italicized?
Good idea to introduce historical figures with a very short title... such as "novelist Joseph Conrad"
"In 1906, Joseph Conrad gives a brief description of Amsterdam as seen from the seaside, in The Mirror of the Sea." Why is this important?
"Germany invaded the Netherlands on 10 May 1940 and took control of the country within five days of fighting." Might want to indicate that this was at the start of World War II
Don't use just "metro" as it is more of a commercial name - use "rapid transit system" instead
"Therein, people expressed their fury about the demolitions accorded to the restructuring of the city. As a result, demolitions were ceased, the highway never accomplished, and only the metro was finished. Only a few streets remained widened." Awkward.
Bad: "success of this struggle" better: "city's revitalization"
The entire last paragraph (almost) isn't so much history as it is about the cityscape... the only piece that should be mentioned here are the riots

Geography and climate

Use the term "IJ bay"
Might want to mention something more about the dikes here... they are a significant piece of Amsterdam's geography, not just its cityscape.

Cityscape and Architecture

The first paragraph is, for lack of a better term, a total mess. It attempts to provide written locations of areas when that is probably best left to a map unless, of course, the relative positions to one another is somehow important. Better would be to describe those areas...
"when immigration was at a height" -> when immigration was at its height
"most outer" -> outermost
The canal section is also awkward. It's good to know which canals are present, but why were the canals built in the first place?
"The first one to do so was Samuel Sarphati." mention who this guy is

Government

"Amsterdam is usually understood to be the municipality of Amsterdam." what?? you mean "The City of Amsterdamn is usually understood to be within its own national municipality of Amsterdam"?
I'm not sure the section about populations is as much a government issue as it is about demographics
Might want to say right off the bat that while Amsterdam is the "constitutional capital" it is not the seat of government, then go on to explain how/why that is the case.
"Second is the Imperial Crown of Austria — in 1489, out of gratitude for services and loans, Maximilian I awarded Amsterdam the right to adorn its coat of arms with the king's crown, in 1508 replaced with Maximilian's imperial crown when he was crowned Holy Roman Emperor." Whoa. Extremely awkward.

Economy

This section has very poor prose. There is some unrefined phrasing (like using the phrase "a lot of" instead of "many") and some sentences lack verbs such as: "Last the area surrounding Amsterdam Amstel railway station."
Tourism section: "The origin of tourists visiting Amsterdam is largely European: 74%. The growth in recent years can be attributed to an increase in the number of visitors from Europe too." What??
Is the retail section absolutely necessary here? Are these a major economic component of the city or tourist draw?

Demography

Much of this section include information that would probably be best left to city's history such as information about the reformation in the Netherlands. It also appears that certain pieces of information, like the riots, is unnecessarily repeated here.
Perhaps information in this article could be best left to an expanded main article on the demographics of Amsterdam, leaving only current demographic data such as total population, ethnicity, religion, etc.
"One of the principal architects behind the city's Catholic churches, Cuypers, was also responsible for the Amsterdam Central Station and the Rijksmuseum, which led to a refusal of Protestant King William III to open 'that monastery'." Is Cuypers a person or place? What is "that monastery"?

Transport

Is it important for us to know exactly what types of bikes are used in Amsterdam?
"Public transport in Amsterdam mainly consists of bus and tram lines, operated by Gemeentelijk Vervoerbedrijf, Connexxion and Arriva." Private companies?
There are too many trivial tidbits and sentences that don't really say anything like "Many other stations exist in the Amsterdam urban area." That is a totally useless sentence. If the stations are important, they should be mentioned.
Original research appears to be largely present here.

Education

Again, more juvenile writing such as "The same goes for secondary education." Section needs heavy revisions to better prose and flow. Section also seems like it is almost entirely original research.
The reference provided doesn't say anything about the university having the coffee plant that started the "coffee culture"... considering that coffee is a tropical plant, I doubt that it originated in Amsterdam...
"In addition to these schools based on distinct beliefs there are public schools." perhaps those should be mentioned further?

Culture

First off, the section seems to be too large, in comparison with the others. Consider splitting or moving into its own main article.
The section's "lead" is just a jumble of facts with no real flow. Can be seriously improved by moving each piece of information into their respective subcategories.
"During the later part of the 16th century Amsterdams Rederijkerskamer (Chamber of Rhetoric) organized contests between different Chambers in the reading of poetry and drama." Is this the first instance of culture in Amsterdam??
"In 1638 Amsterdam got its first theatre." okay... which one?
"Opera could be seen in Amsterdam from 1677, first only Italian and French operas, but in the 18th century German operas." Where? By who?
"The metronome, one of the most important advances in European classical music was invented here in 1812 by Dietrich Nikolaus Winkel." Perhaps there's a better place for this bit of trivia?
Museums: Do none of those museums have associated wikipedia articles that can be linked??
"A parking garage can be found underneath the square, as well as a supermarket." This is important to the culture of Amsterdam how?
"This building, known as the performance wing, was designed by a Japanese architect." okay? who? if it's important, mention him or her otherwise leave it out
"Het Muziekgebouw aan 't Ij is a new concert hall, which is situated in the Ij near the central station. Its concerts are mostly modern interpretations of classical music. Adjacent to it, the Bimhuis, a concert hall for Jazz music, is located." Another example of extremely choppy writing.
The Night life and festivals section is heavy on OR. Needs to be improved with valid sources.
"You can sit down in a old fashion cafe, which are called a bruin kroeg by Dutchmen. These bruine kroegen contain a pleasant, relaxed atmosphere and the interior is lit with dim lights. You could also choose to sit down in one of the many trendy, stylish new cafes Amsterdam has to offer. These cafes are more sought after by a younger crowd, who drink cocktails or mixed drinks. Most cafes have terraces in summertime. A common sight on the Leidseplein during summer is a square full of terraces packed with people drinking beer or wine." What? how is any of this important or unique? Certainly, many cities in Europe have a cafe culture such as this...
"A example of a discothèque near the Leidseplein is the Jimmy Woo. This is a trendy club were you have to be on the guest list to get in." Any and all pieces of information like this have go to go. Pronto. What is definitely not needed is a list of Dutch clubs, bars and movie theaters. If anything, mention should be made about Dutch music, especially modern techno, trance, etc. which is world-famous, not just a list of clubs.
"Amsterdam is a city of festivals. In the last year alone there were 140 festivals in Amsterdam.[101] Famous festivals in Amsterdam are the events taking place during Koninginnedag, Amsterdam Gay Pride and the Uitmarkt. On Koninginnedag, hundreds of thousands of people travel to Amsterdam to join the inhabitant to celebrate and party. The entire city will be overcrowded with people who are buying products from the freemarket or visit one of the many music concerts. It is held on the 30th of April.[102] During Gay Pride, there is a very long parade of boats with extravagant people floating on Amsterdam's canals and there are various events taking place in the city elsewhere. It is held in August.[103] Finally the Uitmarkt is a cultural event which lasts three days. It consists of many podia with a lot of different artist on them, like musicians and poets. It is held in late August.[104]" Wow. In need of extreme prose overhaul
Fashion subsection: Is this necessary? I don't recall Amsterdam being a major world fashion capital, nor even a European fashion capital...
Red light district and sports sections are complete OR.

Overall, this article is a starting point for what could be a great article. It is not yet ready for GA status and will require heavy copy editing, source citations, and an overhaul in the prose. Good luck! Best, Epicadam (talk) 19:26, 11 June 2008 (UTC)[reply]