Talk:Alimuddin (cricketer)/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Sarastro1 (talk · contribs) 21:51, 17 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]

I'll review this one, although it may take a day or two.

Just a couple of observations to begin with:

I think the fact he is the youngest player ever to play f-c cricket belongs in the lead.
- Done.
Apart from the quote, I would recommend not using citations in the lead; everything in the lead should be included and referenced in the main body.
- Done.
Generally, four figure numbers are given in the form 1,091.
- Done.
"He had a sound technique and was a part of the Pakistani squad on the historic tour...": "sound" and "historic" suggest POV. Maybe expand about his technique by saying that "Critics believed that he possessed a sound technique", and I don't think "historic" is needed at all as the unique nature of that tour is explained in the rest of the sentence.
- Fixed.
It should be "first-class", not "first class". And I think we could cut some instances of overuse of "first class": it is used five times in the "first class" section.
- Done.
Ref 2, to the CricketArchive obituary, does not seem brilliant. While CA is a fantastic site, I'm never sure about the journalistic quality of the articles on it, and would be inclined to use something else for the information. Although, to be fair, the author is published on other sites too. Cricinfo has a pretty good obituary of him, and I would suggest switching to this to be on the safe side.
- Removed CricketArchive obituary and added some other cites.
To meet 3a of the GA criteria, I think we need more about his first-class career. How did he perform in different seasons? If nothing else, more could be made of his record on the tours of England; these were pretty long then and had plenty of coverage. Wisden probably said something about him which could be added. When did he retire? I don't think we need a huge amount of detail, just a bit more.
- I think, adding more would be unnecesary as per 3b of the criteria. I couldn't find a specific date about his retirement.
  - OK, but see below. Sarastro1 (talk) 18:50, 19 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]
There are a few MOS fixes that will need to be made.
- Could you please point them out!
  - Sorry, that was just a general comment! Sarastro1 (talk) 18:50, 19 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]
Some of the statistical claims are referenced from obituaries, but it may be better to reference them from stats sites such as cricinfo or CA. For example, I think the youngest f-c cricketer may need a more statistically reliable reference. If you can't find a good one, let me know as I have some decent stats books that would have it in.
- I would need your help here.

More to follow, but I have to say that this is looking good and is a notch above many of the cricket articles that are nominated for GA. Sarastro1 (talk) 21:51, 17 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for your kind review. Zia Khan 20:28, 18 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]

More comments I copy-edited as I went through, but please revert anything you don't like or that messes anything up.

"He was an outstanding fielder": I don't think this is referenced, and such a claim needs a reference. It is generally better to say who thinks so; e.g. "critics considered him to be an outstanding fielder", or "A. N. Other called him an outstanding fielder".
I'm afraid my reference book let me down in giving the youngest f-c cricketer, but I think it is well enough referenced.
Maybe pad out the f-c section a little using this; e.g. his best season, or his retirement date.
For the 54 tour of England, Wisden had a little about him which is given here. (He is named as Alim-ud-din in the article).
Maybe add a little on the significance of that win in England. It was not the first time England had lost at home, as the article suggests at the moment, but it was a huge deal and really set Pakistan on the cricketing map. Maybe the Wisden article named above may help, but I'm sure there is plenty on the significance. It just needs one or two sentences.
We need a ref for that home India series, for his figures during it, and for his being the leading run-scorer. CricketArchive is probably the best place to look.
"He could not perform well in the series...": Needs a ref; again, CA is best source. Possibly this? And maybe reword to "He was not successful in the series..."
"a low scoring match for Pakistan": Maybe clarify. "Low scoring" usually means both teams, so maybe "in which Pakistan made two low scores".
"In 1962, under the captaincy of Javed Burki, Pakistan visited England where they played a five Test mach series.": Needs a ref.
"Alimuddin established an effective opening partnership with Hanif Mohammad, another outstanding opening batsman, for Pakistan during late 50s and early 60s.": Needs a reference, and may be better at the start of the section rather than in the middle of a summary of his career.
"Alimuddin lived in London with his family...": Need a ref for living in London with his family, and really this should be moved to later in the section; it reads a little odd to see that he lived in London first, and where he was born second.

One instance of possible close paraphrasing:
- Article: "He never married during all his life and worked to help his brothers and sister"
- Source: "He remained unmarried all his life, working to support his sister and brothers."
This is still quite close to the original. Maybe rephrase to "He never married, instead providing for his family"
Other spot-checks reveal no problems.
Image, dablinks and external links all check out fine.
The SMH newspaper report needs a date of publication, as does the Cricinfo obituary.

A few suggestions, which you may freely ignore; they would improve the article but are not necessary to pass this GA.

It may be worth mentioning where he came in the team's batting averages once or twice, for example during his two England tours.
The Cricinfo obituary says: "He was a member of the touring side led by Abdul Hafeez Kardar on the historic tour to England in 1954. He started with a hundred at Worcester and scored a second one against Cambridge, but his form fell away and in three Tests he managed only 51 runs": Maybe include this somewhere, as it is nice detail, particularly if you add that he was unwell, as mentioned in Wisden.
For completeness, who was his one Test wicket?

I've finished copy-editing, although I may do the odd little tweak later, and I think it looks pretty good. There are one or two odd little things, detailed above, to fix, but the only real problem to sort before I pass is to make sure that everything has a reference. I think the unreferenced statements above should be easy enough to find something for. Let me know if there are any problems. Just about there, so I'll put this on hold. Sarastro1 (talk) 19:27, 19 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]

I've addressed most of your comments, however I'm not sure what to do with his "retirement". I couldn't find a proper citation for this, if you have something you can add. Some cites refer his retirement but none of them are looking pretty good; Anyway, I'll wait for you. Zia Khan 07:08, 21 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]

OK, I made a few more tweaks, including fiddling with a reference or two, and I think this is good to go now. Everything of importance above checks out, as do a few more spot checks. Passing GA, well done. Sarastro1 (talk) 16:06, 21 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]