Talk:Alex Owumi/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Casliber (talk · contribs) 21:59, 30 October 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Hi - I'll make copyedits as I go (please revert if I inadvertently change the meaning) and jot queries below: Cas Liber (talk · contribs) 21:59, 30 October 2017 (UTC)[reply]

For the record, Earwig's copyvio is clear, the inflated score from one (attributed) quote.

He became the subject of widespread media attention following his time with the Libyan team Al-Nasr owned by the family of Muammar Gaddafi joining the team shortly before the outbreak of the Libyan Civil War in 2011. ~~- this sentence is long and a bit cumbersome. Suggest splitting it.~~

~~His parents and siblings were chiefs of his village and he was a prince~~ ~~- err, you've just mentioned he was born in Lagos and now we're talking about a village...? This needs some elaboration...(e.g. location of village relative to Lagos and its size)~~

~~He began playing basketball with a soccer ball and a milk crate nailed to a tree~~ ~~- this is repetitive after the previous sentence, why not " He would shoot hoops with a soccer ball and a milk crate nailed to a tree"~~

~~I'd introduce Hakeem Olajuwon with a prefix - "NBA centre" or "NBA star player" or something - before his first mention~~

~~Owumi was convinced to leave the team as well~~ ~~- convinced by whom or what? the verb needs an agent here....~~

~~Owumi began feeling nausea caused by parasites and was forced to stay in the hospital~~ ~~- cumbersome...and the link is weird to parasitism - surely we can find something more specific? I'd say "Owumi became nauseated from [insert more specific term for parasites] and was hospitalised"~~

~~After the soldiers physically assaulted and raped his neighbors, Owumi unsuccessfully tried to seize a gun from them~~ ~~- "physically" redundant here~~

~~Given that I am a psychiatrist IRL, the Aftermath section intrigues me - did have have more specific symptoms in the books - flashbacks, avoidance pheonomena - and does he talk about the treatment?~~

@Casliber: I have fixed the issues you stated above. About the Aftermath section, apart from what is already in the Wikipedia article, he has described that has has to "wake up everyday" thinking about his time in Libya ([1]). According to the book, he has stated that he often has recollections of the situation he was in. The book only covers his career until his season in Egypt, so it does not talk about the long-term effects. By the way, if you want to see the book online (some pages are not available), feel free to check it out here. TempleM (talk) 01:03, 31 October 2017 (UTC)[reply]

He was strongly encouraged to join due to Scorchers' head coach Creon Raftopoulos, "due" --> "by" ...unless he wasn't persuading him directly in which case it'll need a reword....

~~I'd add in some discussion about the two books, especially given neither has an article....reception etc.~~

All in all, a good read though and looking on track for GA-hood...

@Casliber: I have reworded the sentence you brought up, and although there is not much more info that I can find on the books, I have added a little bit more. TempleM (talk) 21:40, 31 October 2017 (UTC)[reply]

1. Well written?:

Prose quality: