Draft:Döömbadger

Döömbadger

Döömbadger is a band like no other... it seemingly has a life of its very own and is considered the greatest metal band to have ever existed within the confines of its fans imagination.

Most fans pronounce the name as seen but ultra hardcore fans of the group know that the true name is pronounced with a silent DG so phonetically it is pronounced DuuMbaer

The band is made up of five members, four of whom are living.

Some people have even spoken on various forums about not being able to find their music on the internet or in physical brick and mortar stores. The most common response is ‘Then you’re obviously not looking hard enough’.

Miscellaneous information.

• During the ‘Skull and Bones’ tour in 2017, it was reported that the band had split after a fight broke out between members in the foyer of the Marina bay Hotel in Singapore. The incident involved two of the members had claimed dibs on sitting in the front seat of the car sent to take them to the venue. The disagreement was quickly resolved after someone produced a four pack of Carlsberg export and a bucket of fried chicken.

• All band members are fans of Bear in the big blue house.

• All their Albums only have eight tracks as it is considered just the right amount of songs without getting pretentious.

• Their debut album God Zero won an Ivor Novello award and a 2nd place finish at the world’s CD throwing championships in Helsinki.

• Nordic Degeneracy is the only album that has a title track on it.

• They were compared to ABBA once... an ABBA fuelled by alcohol, pickled herring and the weeping of their vanquished enemies.

• It has been said that because of this that band members have an aversion to any light brighter than a 40w bulb. Once whilst on tour in Boston, someone opened the door and the band members gave an audible ‘hiss’ towards the sudden illumination.

• It has been speculated that the group is independently financed by an eccentric billionaire (Karl Von Steinerhoft), in whom conspiracy theorists around the globe believe holds the patents to water (H2O) and the full stop (.) amongst their many other of his families acquisitions.

• The band regularly play the same eight venues each tour upon the same days each year. Wether this is some deliberate marketing ploy no body knows, not even themselves.

Influences include Sepultura, Korn, Type O Negative, Faith No More, Senser, Alisha’s Attic and Sheffield 13.  

The band claim to have originated from Bjørnøya an island located between the top of Norway and Svalbard.

The band has a purpose built residence at the foot of Skuld, the second highest mountain on the island. As semi permanent residents of Bjørnøya Bear Island (Svalbard) they enjoy a modern home powered by a geothermal borehole and solar panels for when the sun actually graces the island.

When asked in an interview by Kerrang! magazine (KERRANG! - Issue 1564 - 15/04/15) guitarist Heini Smugsson simply replied ‘We exist, therefore we jam’ before throwing his empty paper cup to the floor and storming out. Only to then return to the room to throw another paper cup into the room. This act he repeated several times before finally coming back in to pick up the thrown cups, placing them into the recycling before giving the interviewer the devil horns and yelling ‘save the Earth muddertruckers!’

Döömbadger are renowned for their hard and fast guitar rifts, their non offensive swearing alternative lyrics (if you actually changed the non swearing lyrics into their real alternatives then their songs would be universally blacklisted from all music streaming sites), it’s laid back high tempo entrancing tribal drumming, inhuman bass work that only TDH* (The Devil Herself) could play and survive the experience. It has also been ferociously debated in many Rock Cafés and university lecture halls that within their music that people can swear to hear Ukulele and Triangle solos but the listeners are never too sure if it actually happened no matter how many times that they pause and rewind.

Discography

God Zero - 2015

1. Harvester Of The Remorseless Omen
2. Alone In The Asylum
3. Strangulation Of Humanity
4. Goat-Headed Deimos, Demon Of Failure
5. Of Dread And Compassion
6. Despoiled
7. The Delirium Of Being Beautiful
8. Immola†ion

Darkness I - 2016

1. Become The Suicide
2. Behold The Brutalized
3. Everlasting Moment X
4. Necroripper
5. Tower Of Perdition
6. The Carcass Of Vigilance
7. Profanity > Comfort
8. Callous Prayer

Nordic Degeneracy - 2017

1. Destruction Lord
2. Yoke Of The Crucifier
3. Nordic Degeneracy
4. Double The Tragedy
5. A Momentary Lapse Of Torture
6. Chapel Of The Evanescent Shade
7. We are the Abyssal
8. Kingdom of Perdition

Noise - 2018

1. Orphan Of Insolence
2. Absorbed In Agony
3. Decadence And Perversion
4. Cancel All Consolation
5. A Bushel Of Emptiness
6. For The Entombed
7. Devastator's Joy
8. T.E.R.R.O.R.

Mutilation Factory - 2019

1. Perdition God
2. Drinking From A Sea Of Sin
3. Swimming In A Wave Of Sadness
4. Violated By Ganga
5. All That Remains Is Dementia
6. Count Guilt
7. Wisdom's Battle
8. Language Of Acrimonious Torture

Fallen - 2020

1. Springtime Homicide
2. Unseen Cathedral Of Redemption
3. Ceremony For The Invocation Of Marchosias
4. Stairway To Oblivion
5. Time's Agony
6. Pit Of Thy Deceit
7. Suicide Motivation
8. Wrecker Of Light

Sinister Windmills - 2021

1. Untroubled Homicide
2. The Catacombs Of Nobility
3. Acrimonious Joy
4. Mangled By Solace
5. None The Worse For Grief and Metal
6. Benefactor Of Temptation
7. Become The Combat
8. Eternity's Fall

Contemplations of the Dark Mother - 2022

1. Delusion Is Father
2. From Benevolence, Destruction
3. Forlorn Salvation
4. Sonata Dogmatica
5. Daughter Of War
6. Illicit Tragedy
7. Fist Of The Annihilator
8. Betrayomancer

Horizon at the edge of eternity - 2023

1. Death Division Purgatory
2. Springtime Fall
3. Pardon My Ecstasy
4. The Clarity, The Despair
5. Dragon Of Decay
6. Throne Of Thy Woe
7. Poisoned
8. The Demise

Magmarok - 2024

1. The Crusher And The Mass
2. A Thousand Goats
3. Ultrasonic Executioner
4. Of Suffering And Delirium
5. Decay Of Humanity
6. Endless Sin
7. All Hail Behemoth
8. Victorious Hammer

Band members.

Heini Smugsson - Vocals, Lyrics, Guitarist, Triangle (Alleged) Eco friendly.

• Once whilst backpacking across Australia Heini Smugsson was given a certificate for winning a race involving cane toads against an eight year old... its one of his most prised possessions.

• Heini won an Oscar for best actor after appearing in a low budget pornographic movie where his portrayal of a washing machine repair man was not only compelling it was compared to that of Olivier himself

• Heini loves to cross stitch and wearing knitted jumpers.
• Heini can trace his ancestry all the way back to his parents.
• Heini love to relax by training an choir that is made up entirely of Possums.

TDH (The Devil Herself) - Vocals, Lyrics, Bass, keyboard.

Master of the Pit, the Silence that Deafens.

 

• TV TDH once punched a walrus in the face over a bar bill. How or why the walrus was there or where it kept its wallet we don’t know but the tab got settled.

• Noise is TDH’s favourite album... mainly because of the cover art.

• TDH, is renowned for trashing hotel rooms, the problem being is the the hotel rooms she trashes aren’t the ones that she is staying in... she’s not stupid.

• TDH simply appeared one evening after the tragic loss of Paer Lindstrom in a surströmming eating incident. The smell of the fermented herring caused the guitarist to wretch so much that he vomited out his major internal organs.

• Very little is known about TDH but rumours are abound that she is the creation of unholy pairing between Alice Cooper and Joan Jett.

• TDH was quoted as saying that she ‘reserves the bass for when the world needs a good hard slap’.

• TDH is phonetically pronounced as Taa DaH.

• Allegedly TDH was accidentally removed from school after summoning a demon of the great darkness... no sorry, she accidentally removed a school with the aid of a demon she had summoned and which owed her a favour.

Gurn Sparkison - Vocals, Guitar, Angle Grinder.

• Gurn, whilst looking menacing is actually the peacemaker of the group and is always on hand with a four pack  of beer whenever someone kicks off.

• Gurn was once found laying naked in someone’s garden with an empty 3litre bottle of White Lightning and saying ‘I am Aztec, I worship the Sun’.

• Gurn Sparkison was found by Heini while he was on shore leave from his previous job as a welder on the offshore oil rigs in the North Sea. Having spent all his money in the first three days on seal jerky and schnapps, he was working in the boatyard and somehow managing to angle grind the rhythm of Through the Fire and Flames on the hull of a fishing vessel. The rest, as they say, is a saga.

• Among his many occupations Gurn did a stint as a stuntman, however he was so good at his job that the star of the action movie he was working on felt outperformed and grew jealous and sought to fire him from the movie. When Gurn refused to leave the set until he finished a climatic stunt that he’d planned, the star got enraged and started shouting abuse at Gurn, after several insults the actor got personal and in the ensuing scuffle Gurn attached a bungee cable to the actor and activated the catapult which flung the actors trousers 300 meters upon release. The actor suffered 2nd degree friction burns to the genital region and what could only be described as the mother of all wedgies. No charges were pressed.

Bhaal Spawn- Vocals, Lyrics, Percussion, Piano, Guitar, Cow bell, Commodore Amiga.  

• Bhaal Spawn legally changed her name to Bhaal Spawn after playing the game Baldur’s Gate and does not answer to anything or anyone unless they use her full name when addressing her.

• Although she can play the guitar she flatly refuses to play an F chord as it is really tricky and it hurts her fingers.  

• Bhaal Spawn has a room dedicated to the marvels of early home computers, especially the Commodore Amiga 500 (obviously with the 512k memory upgrade) where she has an entire wall filled with them purely to keep them out of the hands of others.

• Bhaal Spawn has a penchant for technology and Audrey Hepburn impersonating.

• Bhaal Spawn is the only member of the band that has an official stalker.  

• It is not uncommon for Bhaal Spawn to turn up to official engagements in one of her many novelty bikini sets.

• She is actually a very talented artist and has a sideline in selling her art for ‘pocket money for PC games’.

The Ghosts - Ghostly wailing, Chains, Ukulele (alleged), Pianist, Voice from the other side.

• The fifth and more importantly the only non living member of Döömbadger, The Ghosts is a most unique and complicated situation as for each practice session, recording set or even at a gig, you never quite know just what to expect... or who will turn up.

• The Ghosts is known in plural terms as it fluctuates as to whom is visiting the real world at that particular time. Some speculated that it was a person just doing impressions and dressing for the part but that opinion varies as much the The Ghosts does.

• The Ghosts has had several celebrated former humans play with the band including Lord Byron and Mary Shelley being two of the most regular visitations though during the 2018 Tour, Edgar Alan Poe took to the stage at the Wembley concert where he played an amazing 10 minute piano solo whilst rapping The Raven in its entirety twice.
• Dick Van Dyke appeared at one gig but was pointed out that he wasn’t in fact dead… TDH shrugged and Heimi passed him a Ukulele and said ‘Jam it my man’.