Wikipedia:Peer review/Elizabeth of Bosnia/archive1

Elizabeth of Bosnia

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I would like to get advice on how to improve it. Please let me know if there is anything that should be fixed, reworded, clarified or corrected, or if there is a problem with images or prose. The article is already a GA.

Thanks, Surtsicna (talk) 19:06, 20 June 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Comments

"Stephen II, Ban of Bosnia, and member of the House of Kotromanić. Her marriage to King Louis I of Hungary" you could link "King of Hungary" by rephrasing "Louis I, King of Hungary" perhaps?
- Sure, but now it seems somewhat redundant to me. Of course the marriage to the king of Hungary made her queen of Hungary; marrying anyone else wouldn't have done it! If you think "Louis I, King of Hungary" would be better yet, I have no problems with it. Surtsicna (talk) 22:57, 25 June 2012 (UTC)[reply]
"was her father's most significant achievement" this reads a little odd to me, that her marriage was her father's most significant achievement.
- I am not sure how to phrase it. Arranging the marriage of his daughter to his feudal overlord is usually cited as his greatest accomplishment. Should I remove it? Surtsicna (talk) 22:57, 25 June 2012 (UTC)[reply]
Queen of Poland (which redirects to List of Polish monarchs) could be linked in the lead?
- Done (linked to List of Polish consorts). Surtsicna (talk) 22:57, 25 June 2012 (UTC)[reply]
"and soon after gave birth to the" -> "and soon after she gave birth..."
" long anticipated heir" hyphenate "long-anticipated".
"the elder surviving daughter" should be "eldest"?
- I am not sure how it works in English, but at the time of his death, he had only two living daughters (the firstborn having predeceased him). I described Hedwig as "youngest" sin order to avoid repeating "surviving".
"ascended the throne of Hungary" perhaps it's just me being British, but I would commonly expect "ascended to the throne..."
- I am not a native speaker of the English at all, so I just used the phrasing I had seen before. If I recall correctly, a user "Americanised" the article because the spelling was mixed.
" as regent." could link that appropriately in the lead for non-experts.
"Unable to retain control over Poland, she secured the Polish throne for her youngest daughter, Hedwig" this doesn't make any sense to me at all. If she couldn't control Poland, how could she secure the throne?
- I rephrased it a bit. What I tried to say is that she couldn't maintain the regency, but through negotiation she at least managed to have her younger daughter elected and crowned.
"who wished to take advantage of Mary's insecure reign" -> "who wished to" is a little weak here, I would suggest "who attempted to" or "who tried to".

That's the lead. Or most of it, at least. The Rambling Man (talk) 18:06, 25 June 2012 (UTC)[reply]