User talk:WagenerLaura/sandbox

Feedback

This is a good start to your draft. You’ve done a great job covering each of the topics, and staying in a NPOV while doing it. As you continue expanding your draft remember to copy edit. Also think about what you could link your article to, there are some spots already in your article that would be great for links, like the policies for employment, if a page exists. Kjatczak (talk) 20:37, 31 October 2015 (UTC)[reply]

Feedback for your article: Sophia Ottomanelli

Hey Laura, So I think that your article is coming together really nicely. I enjoyed how you incorporated your major within your article when you talked about health aspects that affect youth. I also like the details that you put in.

General Concerns for the whole article: Remember not to use weasel terms when writing, some of these include: "some", "many", "most", "a lot". I tried to catch some of them, but make sure to go back and edit these. Also, there were some sentences that I found where you sort of state an opinion, for example, there was one where I think you said that "the biggest health problem is HIV/AIDS." I would try to avoid these sorts of statements because it might not be that this is the biggest health problem. In addition, do not forget to add pictures. Also, make sure to be consistent with how you format your citations because I noticed that you sometimes put them before and after the period.

Lead Paragraph:

I would avoid talking about "emerging adulthood" because this is a term that we are familiar with in class but not everyone reading this article will be.
You use phrases like "some researchers" and "while others": these are weasel terms, so maybe find actual stats or rephrase.
I would make the last paragraph its own section with the header: Youth Policy and Law

Source:http://www.youthpolicy.org/factsheets/country/dominican-republic/: I would use this website to find more information about youth policy in the DR. Also, there are some really great general facts about youth in the DR that might be useful to you.

Education:

"Many young people" is a weasel term
Cite first sentence of the section because you are giving very specific information
What do you mean when you say "a large percentage," what is that percentage?
The sentence that begins with "Since the Dominican Republic...." should maybe be its own section because you are talking about immigration and not specifically education. If you want to keep this sentence, how does it tie into education?
When you say, "an adequate amount of time in school," what is adequate?
When you talk about how "youth makes progress very slowly through grades", what does this mean?
When you talk about repetition, do you mean that youth learn the same content in multiple grades, or do you mean that they have to repeat grades? I feel like you express both ideas within this section, so try to make what you mean by repetition clear.

Employment:

I would delete the first two sentences of this section because the first talks about the world and not the DR specifically, and the other sounds like you are stating an opinion.
Cite the sentence that starts with, "In 2008...."
What are "skill gaps," can you give examples of them?
What do you mean when you say "leading to measured increase in informality"?
For more content, I think that you could add some information about why labor force participation is lower among women
What do the abbreviations of NEO-DR and SET mean?
What is "employability"
One other suggestion that I have is to put the last sentence in this section in the "Education" section because it seems to be more relevant there.

Poverty:

What does it mean for a youth to be "at risk"?
When you talk about development, do you mean development as a citizen, as in growth?
What are the "gapping divisions" you talk about, can you give an example?
What is LAPOP an abreviation for?

Health: -Cite first sentence

Further topics for research if you are looking for some: I think that it would be interesting if you did a section on political participation. I found a source for you that talks about El Cercado, which is a youth movement that happened in the DR: http://www.academia.edu/13961571/Exploring_the_Dynamics_of_Youth_Political_Participation_in_Local_Governments_in_Latin_America

Good Luck!! SophiaOtto9 (talk) 20:24, 12 November 2015 (UTC)[reply]