Talk:Tommy Thompson 2008 presidential campaign/GA1

GA Review

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I will be reviewing this article. Happyme22 (talk) 17:06, 11 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Delink all dates Done
"He branded himself as a reliant conservative who believed his campaign was "looking good" because of the base he attempted to establish in the first-in-the-nation caucus state of Iowa." -- Sounds a bit odd. Perhaps: "He branded himself as a reliant conservative whose campaign was "looking good" due to the base he attempted to establish in the first-in-the-nation Iowa caucuses."
- I changed it to "He branded himself as a reliant conservative whose campaign was "looking good" due to the base he attempted to establish in Iowa, which would hold the nation's first caucus in January 2008." How does that sound? —Preceding unsigned comment added by William S. Saturn (talk • contribs) 17:57, 11 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
  - Excellent. Happyme22 (talk) 21:15, 11 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

"Upon his entrance, Thompson set forth his position on the War in Iraq. He held that as president he would allow the Iraqis to vote on whether or not the United States military should remain in the nation, stating that if the Iraqis "don't want us there...we should get out" of the nation.[5]" -- should be reworded. Perhaps: "Upon his entrance, Thompson set forth his position on the War in Iraq, holding that as president, he would allow Iraqis to vote on whether or not the United States military should remain in the nation. He stated that if the Iraqis "don't want us there...we should get out."[5] Done I liked your version.

"We tried to spend [money] like Democrats." -- should be with a lowercase "w" as it is not starting a sentence. Done

"Thompson began May at the first GOP debate in Simi Valley, California sponsored by MSNBC on May 3." -- Should probably change GOP to Republican; though they refer to the same thing, Republican has been used throughout and may be easier for non-American to understand. Also, the debate was at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library and it might be nice to add that. Done

"During the debate, he outlined his plan for Iraq and included the second phase concerning the outcome if the Iraqis decided they wanted the American forces to remain in the nation." -- Very confusing. What is it you are trying to say?
- How does this sound: "During the debate, he again voiced his support for an Iraqi vote, and included the plan's second phase if the Iraqis chose for American forces to remain in the nation."
  - I like it. And it makes sense now. Happyme22 (talk) 21:15, 11 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

"...and the cutting of taxes by $16.4 billion." -- What kind of taxes? Income?
- This is referring to taxes overall, I corrected the passage. —Preceding unsigned comment added by William S. Saturn (talk • contribs) 18:16, 11 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
  - Ok. Happyme22 (talk) 21:15, 11 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Try to refer to Thompson by names other than his own or pronouns, such as "him", "he", "governor", "former governor", "former secretary", etc. because sentences start to sound repetitive after a while. Done

"This remark left a chilling effect on Republican donors. Other Republicans wondered if Thompson was running just to "get it out of his system." -- both need citations. Done

"He also began to make bold promises including one on July 12 when he stated if he were elected president his administration would eliminate breast cancer by 2015." -- It says he made bold promises (emphasis on the plural) yet only one is shown. And both those assertions need citations as well.
- Fixed. It was only one promise. References are at the end of phrase. —Preceding unsigned comment added by William S. Saturn (talk • contribs) 18:30, 11 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]
  - Good stuff. Happyme22 (talk) 21:15, 11 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

"It was revealed that the campaign was running on an $890,000 budget and that no speechwriters or pollsters had been hired." -- needs a citation. Done

I've made a few edits for copyediting purposes, spelling, and clean up. I'm going to place the article on hold until the matters above are resolved. If they are not in one week, the article will be failed. In addition, please be on the look out for places where citations could be useful. Thanks, Happyme22 (talk) 17:44, 11 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Seeing as the suggested changes above have been implemented, I am going to pass this article. Happyme22 (talk) 21:15, 11 June 2009 (UTC)[reply]