Talk:Harmonia (video game)/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Cognissonance (talk · contribs) 11:22, 3 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

"leading to them to be" – Fix grammar: "leading them to be".
Ref. 4 "people who lost lived ones" – Shouldn't that be "loved ones"?
"resulting in a world covered in dark clouds" – Avoid repetition of "resulting". How about "culminating in a world covered in dark clouds".
In the second paragraph, Ref. 1 only confirms that it's set in a town and Ref. 8 confirms the last sentence. I would suggest forfeiting Ref. 1 and Ref. 8 for a general video game citation to the end of the paragraph, unless there are more quotes available to confirm everything after Ref. 7.

"making her fall unconscious but alive" – Improve prose: "which leaves her unconscious, but alive".

The second paragraph should come first, as that is the one that concerns the development.
"added to Steam Greenlight in October 2015, but suffered from numerous delays" – Clarify: "added to Steam Greenlight in October 2015, following numerous delays".
"The game is directed by Kai, who also wrote the scenario with Tsuzuru Nakamura. In 2010, Nakamura had submitted a scenario titled Todoketai Melody (届けたいメロディ?) to VisualArt's' Kinetic Novel Awards." – This should be placed at the start of the development paragraph.
"The art director and character designer is Itaru Hinoue, which was her last contribution to Key before resigning in September 2016" – Improve flow: "Itaru Hinoue served as the art director and character designer, which marked her last contribution to Key before resigning in September 2016".
Shouldn't Yuichiro Tsukagoshi be mentioned in front of Ayaka Kitazawa like in Ref. 18?
Move Ref. 18 to the end of the sentence about the theme and insert songs. It covers that information as well.

Insert past tense ("although Harmonia was not", etc.)
"with text that is not as poetic as the original text" – Clarify: "with text that seemed less poetic than what might have been intended with its Japanese counterpart".

It is reasonably well written.
a (prose, spelling, and grammar): b (MoS for lead, layout, word choice, fiction, and lists):
Only one case of bad grammar. Needs a few prose adjustments.
It is factually accurate and verifiable.
a (reference section): b (citations to reliable sources): c (OR): d (copyvio and plagiarism):
Some of the gameplay needs to be sourced properly. Copyvio clean.
It is broad in its coverage.
a (major aspects): b (focused):
It is as broad as it can be.
It follows the neutral point of view policy.
Fair representation without bias:
It is stable.
No edit wars, etc.:
It is illustrated by images and other media, where possible and appropriate.
a (images are tagged and non-free content have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
Overall: On hold.
Pass/Fail:
@Juhachi: Cognissonance (talk) 13:35, 3 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you for the detailed review. I took care of most of the above, and I'll explain a few things.

For the gameplay refs, I added the Hardcore Gamer review to reference the part about the sprites and CG artwork, and removed refs 1 and 8 in lieu of a general reference to the game at the end of the paragraph.
About the delays to the game, they occurred after it was released on Steam Greenlight, not before ([1]), so "following numerous delays" is not accurate. So I tried rewriting it to clarify this as "but this was followed by numerous delays".
And regarding Yuichiro Tsukagoshi, he simply did the arrangement for "Todoketai Melody", but he's not listed because I'll eventually be creating a Music of Harmonia article to include the single and two albums after they're released at the end of this month (Kai is not listed as the lyricist for both songs for the same reason).--十八 20:22, 3 May 2017 (UTC)[reply]

@Juhachi: Thanks for clearing that up.

Pass/Fail: