Talk:Freedom from Want/GA2

GA Review

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Reviewer: Wehwalt (talk · contribs) 20:23, 2 June 2014 (UTC) Doing...--Wehwalt (talk) 20:23, 2 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Just a few comments

"On Thanksgiving 1942, the turkey was painted and the woman serving it was photographed." It seems to me that this is a slightly different subject matter than the rest of the paragraph, and that the paragraph might end more strongly with it excised.--Wehwalt (talk) 18:20, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

How is it now?--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 21:06, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

both "socioeconomic" and "sociopolitical" seem to me to be difficult concepts, as hardships, for the reader to clearly grasp for lede purposes. Can this be made more transparent to the reader?--Wehwalt (talk) 18:20, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

linked.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 21:10, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Description

"lot of emptiness" "lot of" seems a bit informal to me. Also, with the main course about to be served, obviously they would have clean plates before them.--Wehwalt (talk) 18:20, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

How is it now?--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 21:16, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

"in addition" I would expect a comma to follow--Wehwalt (talk) 18:20, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Comma follows "in addition to x" in this construct.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 21:20, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

"we can deduce" we? a bit odd phrasing in an encyclopedia--Wehwalt (talk) 18:20, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

O.K.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 21:31, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Production

"claimed" this word usually means what follows should be viewed with doubt.--Wehwalt (talk) 18:20, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Fixed.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 21:40, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

The link to turkey is not at the first use.--Wehwalt (talk) 18:20, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Fixed.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 21:45, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

There seems to be some overlap between the final sentence of the second paragraph and the first sentence of the third. Do we need to know he hired his neighbors as models twice? Also given that we are told about the cook in consecutive paragraphs, it seems me that these paragraphs might be well-suited for some reorganization.--Wehwalt (talk) 18:20, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

It should be good now.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 21:56, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

"However" starting a paragraph. I'm not sure the word is best used here. Suggest, if some introduction is needed, then "In spite of positive American reviews" or similar. I note that the subject matter of the final sentence of the previous paragraph, about Rockwell's misgivings, might be better-suited for use in this paragraph.--Wehwalt (talk) 18:20, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

I have made a few changes. Is it better now?--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 22:21, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

"Rockwell noted that this painting was not popular in Europe" Well, given that he says it, are the final eight words of the foregoing really needed?--Wehwalt (talk) 18:20, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

O.K.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 22:23, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

"is said to have" by whom?--Wehwalt (talk) 18:20, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

name added.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 23:14, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

"as a something" is the word "a" intended here?--Wehwalt (talk) 18:20, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Fixed.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 22:43, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

The final two paragraphs of the section could probably be usefully merged.--Wehwalt (talk) 18:20, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

O.K.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 22:42, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Essay

The political status of the Phillipines, as a US commonwealth occupied by Japan, might be usefully noted.--Wehwalt (talk) 18:20, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Links and text added.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 22:54, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

"the New Deal had not already granted freedom from want because freedom from want was a right that the state preserve its citizens' right to the bare essentials in life." perhaps "the New Deal had not granted freedom from want as it did not guarantee Americans the essentials of life."--Wehwalt (talk) 18:20, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

O.K.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 23:03, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Satire

"Health care supplies" such as?--Wehwalt (talk) 18:20, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

The source, which you can see, says "Frank Moore's 1994 painting Freedom to Share tweaks Rockwell's Freedom From Want into a political statement about America's health care industry, turning the turkey into a platter brimming with medical supplies."--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 23:06, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

I'm away from home at present and won't bother to formally set it on hold. I'm sure you can get these down quickly, and then I'll promote it.--Wehwalt (talk) 18:20, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]

Done.--TonyTheTiger (T / C / WP:FOUR / WP:CHICAGO / WP:WAWARD) 23:14, 7 June 2014 (UTC)[reply]