Talk:Bon Voyage (Koda Kumi album)/GA1

GA Review

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Reviewer: Aoba47 (talk · contribs) )17:47, 18 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]

@CaliforniaDreamsFan: Grabbing this for a review!

Lead and infobox

Image in infobox needs an alt.
Delete “, among others” as Sean Paul and OVDS appears to be the only features on the album. If there are more features, just list them here.
Replace the semi-colon after “to promote the album” with a colon
Change “highlight” to “highlighted”
Change “in failing to achieve” to “to fail to achieve”
Change the second to last sentence of the second paragraph to “Four singles were released from the album along with an EP.” Keep the link to EP.
For the last sentence, replace “on” with “through” as it sounds more appropriate. This is more of suggestion as the original verb is okay, but I think “through” sounds better.

Development and composition

In the last sentence of the first paragraph, use a different word other than “feat”. The word “feat” makes me think of a record or something really special or notable and I do not count an artist using primarily Western producers a “feat” of any kind.
Change the second half of the last sentence of the first paragraph to the following: “which primarily composed and produced by Western producers.” Your original wording is a little too wordy and it is better to be as direct and concise as possible.
Either cut some of the references in the first sentence of the second paragraph or break it off into separate sentences and expand on the ideas to really show why all those sources are necessary. Wikipedia highly discourages putting 5 or more references on a single sentence and you have six here (which I think it is a little too much just to cite the genre of the album).
Start the second sentence of the second paragraph with “it” instead of “the album” as you repeat album twice in the same sentence in close proximity.
Specify the bilingual tracks are Japanese/English as bilingual on its own could imply any two languages.

Release and packaging

Are all those sources in the first sentence of the second paragraph really necessary? They seem very unnecessarily repetitive to me (especially as 3/4ths of them are referencing linear notes from the album). I would suggest cutting some of them.
Capitan in “Capitan’s uniform” should not be capitalized.
Again, are all the references really necessary in the last sentence of the second paragraph (especially as you have already cite references 15, 16, and 17 in previous sentences in the same paragraph)?

Critical reception

Change “the album best tracks” to “the album’s best tracks”
Make sure all the punctuation is outside of the quotation marks unless you are citing a complete sentence in its entirely. This is a general note for the entire article.
Change the Kirsty H. sentence to the following to make it more cohesive: (Japako Music’s Kirsty H. gave the album a positive review, saying that it "shows Koda Kumi's experiences perfectly". Kirsty praised Koda's "personal songs" and the album's musical variation. On the album’s overall sound, she wrote the following: "The album overall is very good and catchy and clearly shows how mature and experienced Koda Kumi is. All of the songs are catchy and this makes the album all the more fun to listen to”.) Keep the reference at the end. Your current wording has several grammatical errors and I fixed some of the sentence structure to be more direct and cohesive.
Reword the last several sentences to the following: (Jaylee and Zero from GK:AD, a sub-site from JPopJRocks.com, awarded the album a B-, calling the dance tracks gems and praising a majority of the album's ballads. Zero highlighted "Imagine" as the album's best track. However, they both were critical toward the composition of the second half of the album.) Again, this fixes several problems with flow from the original wording.

Commercial performance

Change “to no sell” to “to not sell”
The phrasing of the sentence with Walk of My Life does not make sense. Are you saying that Walk of My Life sold less than Bon Voyage? If so, then you need to restructure the sentence to make that more clear as the word “surpassed” makes the meaning very unclear (as does the overall sentence).

Promotion

The image needs an alt and should be presented “upright”
For the caption, say (above) or (pictured above) instead of (picture)
You repeat the song title “Go to the Top” several times in the first paragraph where it is not necessary. You are only discussing one song in this paragraph so you change refer to it as “the song”, “the single”, or “it” and the reader will understanding what you are referring to as you do not discuss any other songs here. Same thing applies for the other paragraphs about the other singles.
Clarify the meaning of the following sentence: Minor criticism was towards the songs numerous musical elements. What elements were criticized? Also cite this sentence with a source (most likely a review of the single would be most appropriate here).
Change the half of last sentence of the second paragraph to: (it features Koda singing the song in a small room and in a subway).
Why did critics opt to not review “Is This Trap?” Be specific if you are going to bring it up.
Restructure the sentences about the remix album as they read somewhat awkwardly. I would advise doing something like the following: (Remixes of Crank tha Bass", "Loaded", "Is This Trap?", "Dreaming Now!", "Touch Down", "Winner Girls", and "Lalalalala" were later featured on Koda’s eight remix album Koda Kumi Driving Hit’s 6 (2014).) to eliminate the wordiness of the original phrasing.

Track listing

I would recommend putting the “DVD and Blu-Ray editions” as collapsed as the focus should be kept on the track listing for the CD and it looks cleaner that way.

Credits and personnel

Great job with listing the credits and including the proper citation.

Alternative versions

Is this really necessary? I would suggest deleting this unless you have a very good reason for including this (I could be completely missing it)
If you keep this section, “versions” should not be capitalized. You could easily include this section in “Concert tour and other releases” subsection and turn the list into prose.

References

References 27, 43, and 26 are dead and need to archived and fixed.
I would highly encourage you to archive all the links. You do not need to do this for the GAN, but I would advise you to do this in the future to avoid broken/dead links.

Final comments

@CaliforniaDreamsFan: Overall great work on this article. It needs a lot of work admittedly, but once you respond to all of my comments, it should be on the level of a GA. Let me know if you have any questions or comments about my review. Hope this helps. Aoba47 (talk) 18:39, 18 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]

@Aoba47: Hi Aoba47, I have finished all the comments that you have listed above. Regarding your comments of archiving all the links, I will be able to do this once I have enough time to do so; regardless of that, I have done all the comments above. Thank you a lot anyway.

CaliforniaDreamsFan (talk · contribs} 05:09, 19 March 2016 (UTC)[reply]

@CaliforniaDreamsFan:, Hello CaliforniaDreamsFan! I am glad that my comments could help to improve the article. I understand archiving the links takes a lot of time so don't worry about it. This is a very good article and a very informative read (makes me want to listen to more Kumi Koda music). ✓ Pass

Aoba47 Thank you so much

Yes, I recommend listening to Kumi Koda's music (especially this album, Japonesque and Universe). Again, cheers!

GA review (see here for what the criteria are, and here for what they are not)

It is reasonably well written.
a (prose, spelling, and grammar): b (MoS for lead, layout, word choice, fiction, and lists):
It is factually accurate and verifiable.
a (reference section): b (citations to reliable sources): c (OR): d (copyvio and plagiarism):
It is broad in its coverage.
a (major aspects): b (focused):
It follows the neutral point of view policy.
Fair representation without bias:
It is stable.
No edit wars, etc.:
It is illustrated by images and other media, where possible and appropriate.
a (images are tagged and non-free content have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
Overall:
Pass/Fail: