Talk:Andhra Pradesh/Archive 3

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Archive 3

Andhra Pradesh: Comments by Magentic Manifestations

Moved from User talk:Arjunaraoc

Definitely, the article seems to have seen a leap of improvement for better since the last time. My comments and views below. Please feel to incorporate as you please.
a. Citations:

• Please WP:RSP, do not use unreliable or questionable sources.
• Say, do not use TOI if there are alternates available
• There are areas that can be worked upon; Say the entire paragraph on cuisine is from a single source, which does not seem to be accessible
• As it is an article on the state, citations can be from the government. But better to see if there are non-primary sources such as for Andhra Pradesh state fibre net limited, Lacquer toys etc.
• Britannica is a tertiary source, better to have a secondary source
• Formatting: Please use the same name with links (say if The Hans is used, use uniformly and link it everywhere)

b. General points:

• Sections which seem to be stat book E.g. second para of healthcare, parts of banking seem to have only data points expanded into lines
• Do not start sentences with numbers (e.g. 62% population, 10778 RSKs, 1000 government schools and many more)
• Consistency in numbers (e.g. 62% in lead, 62.17% in the body)
• Mention of single digit numbers in words (across article, numbers are used)
• Consistency in tense (everything has to be in one tense). E.g. It cannot be in multiple tenses (Present - Andhra Pradesh is ranked at 13th spot in the sixth edition of Khelo India), (Past - It was ranked 21st in the competition.), (Present participle - Visakhapatnam has been declared). Everything past happening should be in uniform tense.
• Use dates wherever applicable (e.g. It has a fleet strength of 11,098 buses and a staff count of 49,544; BSNL operates 1,310 telephone exchanges with 2.06 crore land line connections and also has 53.998 lakh wireless subscribers; when?)
• Do not use past dates as future. E.g. Automation of driving test tracks in nine district capitals is expected to be completed by 31 March 2023. It has elapsed already.

c. Lead:

• Second para should end with the independence and formation of Andhra
• Do not start sentences with numbers (e.g. 62%)
• The third and fourth paragraphs may be better phrased for coherence. It seems to be a mere collage of sentences.
• The first part on geography: It should start with the broad geographical divisions of coastal + rayalaseema. Coastal has been expanded, R.seema can be later expanded with description of peneplains.
• Before moving abruptly to agriculture, start with major part of economy is .. on agri, which contributes to 62%.
• Automotive is not part of the previous major industries but has sprung up, 10% is not significant and hence it is better to mention as part of previous line and not throw too much random data points.
• I think the coastline part can move to third paragraph or at least find a mention to lead into fish and shrimp cultivation
• In the last para, composers is again vague. Better to put that Carnatic music originated here or something to do with the actual culture and add the names if need be
• Mention about religion and then Tirupati temple (say xxx is the major religion +...)
• Unique products are GIs? If so, would be better to state so.

d. Content: There are areas which seems to lack coherence/flow or sentences jutting out. Also, there seems to be a recency bias. E.g.

• Statements Jutting out: E.g. In highways section, you talk about road length. Suddenly there is a statement about NH 544D, not sure why that specific NH and what is its relevance.
• Recency bias: E.g. In the airport section, why is growth of 2022 (which covers almost half of the section specifically relevant? Sports largely covers only medals won in recent events, same with politics.
• Sections that can be expanded: History on politics, history of transport say aviation or rail, Sports: traditional sports, sports facilities and key events hosted...
• Need complete picture: e.g. in communication, is there only BSNL providing service in AP? "Following the bifurcation, disputes with Telangana regarding the allocation of Krishna and Godavari continue to dog the state" is vague. What is the impact and when was it? "Veligonda project, Annamayya project" what are these?

Hope you find these useful. Thanks! Magentic Manifestations (talk) 11:12, 12 August 2024 (UTC)

Above content is copied from the original on Arjunaraoc's talk page. Arjunaraoc (talk) 06:31, 20 August 2024 (UTC)

@Magentic Manifestations, Thanks for your detailed review, which is very helpful. I tried to address most of your feedback to the extent possible based on available sources. Arjunaraoc (talk) 09:58, 22 August 2024 (UTC)

@Magentic Manifestations: Thank you very much for your thorough and thoughtful review. Your feedback is incredibly helpful, and I've worked to incorporate many of your suggestions into the article.

=== a. Citations: ===

• Unreliable Sources: I’ve reviewed the citations and replaced unreliable or questionable sources wherever possible. I agree with your point about avoiding TOI when better alternatives are available.
• Single Source for Cuisine: I’ve added additional references to the cuisine section to diversify the sources.
• Primary vs. Secondary Sources: I’ve tried to replace some primary sources with secondary ones, especially in the sections on Andhra Pradesh State Fiber Net Limited and Lacquer toys. Your suggestion about using government sources when appropriate is noted, but I've prioritized secondary sources where possible.
• Consistency in Citations: I've ensured that citation names are used consistently throughout the article, as you suggested.

=== b. General Points: ===

• Statistical Sections: I've condensed and rephrased some of the sections that were heavy on data, particularly in healthcare and banking, to improve readability.
• Starting Sentences with Numbers: I've restructured sentences that began with numbers, ensuring that they are more grammatically correct.
• Consistency in Numbers and Tense: I've reviewed the article for consistency in the use of numbers and tense, making sure everything is uniformly presented.
• Use of Dates: I've added dates where applicable to provide context for statements involving statistics and other time-sensitive information.

=== c. Lead: ===

• Ending the Second Paragraph: I’ve revised the second paragraph to end with the formation of Andhra Pradesh post-independence.
• Coherence in the Third and Fourth Paragraphs: I’ve rephrased these paragraphs for better flow and coherence, making sure the information is logically organized.
• Geographical Divisions: I’ve adjusted the introduction to geography to start with the broader divisions of Coastal Andhra and Rayalaseema.
• Economy and Agriculture: I’ve restructured the content to introduce agriculture as a major part of the economy before delving into specific details.
• Industry and Automotive: I’ve integrated the information about the automotive sector into the broader discussion of industries, as its contribution is relatively small.
• Coastline and Shrimp Cultivation: The discussion of the coastline has been moved to better connect with the mention of fish and shrimp cultivation.
• Culture and Religion: I’ve clarified the mention of composers by tying it to the cultural heritage, including the origins of Carnatic music, and added information about the major religion in the state to lead into the discussion of Tirupati temple.

=== d. Content: ===

• Coherence and Flow: I’ve worked on improving the flow of certain sections and removed or integrated sentences that seemed out of place, such as the mention of NH 544D in the highways section.
• Recency Bias: I’ve balanced the recency bias by adding more historical context, especially in sections on politics, transport, and sports. I’ve also expanded sections on traditional sports and facilities.
• Completeness: I’ve added more comprehensive information on communication, ensuring that it covers other service providers beyond BSNL. I’ve also clarified ongoing issues, such as water disputes with Telangana, providing more context and historical background.

Again, thank you for your detailed review. I believe these changes have strengthened the article, and I appreciate your ongoing contributions to its improvement. Kllbj (talk) 19:34, 23 August 2024 (UTC)

@Kllbj, Thanks for elaborating my summary response into detail. Arjunaraoc (talk) 23:52, 23 August 2024 (UTC)