Talk:Aaliyah/GA1

GA Review

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Hi all concerned editors. I will be reviewing this article based on the GA criteria.

GA review list

GA review (see here for criteria)

It is reasonably well written.
a (prose):
See my comments below

b (MoS):
Problem lies with the reference formatting. Sometimes publishers are being mentioned and sometimes not. Like for Allmusic, Rovi Corporation hasnot been mentioned as the publisher.
It is factually accurate and verifiable.
a (references): b (citations to reliable sources): c (OR):
It is broad in its coverage.
a (major aspects): b (focused):
It follows the neutral point of view policy.
Fair representation without bias:
It is stable.
No edit wars, etc.:
It is illustrated by images, where possible and appropriate.
a (images are tagged and non-free images have fair use rationales): b (appropriate use with suitable captions):
Overall:
Pass/Fail:
Placing the article on-hold for seven days. A well-written article and impressive from biography point of view. However, the only issue lies with the prose sometimes not flowing well as I have pointed out below. Please update it and let me know.
The article is passed. Congratulations on the wonderful work. Hope that concerned editors can take this up to FA. --Legolas ^(talk2me) 08:27, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Pointers

Lead

At an early age, she appeared on Star Search Mention that Star Search was a television show. Won't be clear to the unknown.
Clarified. — Σxplicit 05:26, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]
as well as lead songwriter and producer of her debut album. Age Ain't Nothing But a Number sold two million copies in the United States and was certified double Platinum by the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA). Change it to as well as lead songwriter and producer of her debut album Age Ain't Nothing But a Number. The album sold two million copies in the United States and was certified double Platinum by the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA). That way it is clear what the title of the debut album is.
Done. — Σxplicit 05:26, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]
One in a Million, which sold two --> One in a Million; it sold two better cohesion.
Fixed. — Σxplicit 05:26, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]
She also contributed to the film's soundtrack. "also" is redundant.
Removed. — Σxplicit 05:26, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]
~~, where "Try Again" was released as a single. Bad structure. Try and "Try Again" was released as a single from there."~~
I've reworded it to She contributed to the film's soundtrack, which spawned the single "Try Again". Let me know what you think. — Σxplicit 05:26, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Looks fine. --Legolas ^(talk2me) 06:25, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]
~~The word radio airplay. Correct the wikilink to Airplay. And radio airplay doesnot mean anything. It is either airplay or radioplay. Chose any one of them.~~
Fixed. — Σxplicit 05:26, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]
~~Wikilink Billboard since this one will lead to the magazine article.~~
Do you mean change [[Billboard Hot 100|''Billboard'' Hot 100]] to ''[[Billboard (magazine)|Billboard]]'' [[Billboard Hot 100|Hot 100]]? I personally feel it's more relevant to link to the chart alone, as opposed to the magazine and the chart. — Σxplicit 05:26, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Nevermind, I fixed it. What I meant was the second mention of the word Billboard in the line "making Aaliyah the first artist in Billboard history to achieve this feat". --Legolas ^(talk2me) 06:25, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]
I feel like a moron. Sorry about that. — Σxplicit 06:37, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Early life

Aaliyah was enrolled in voice lessons --> Aaliyah was enrolled for voice lessons, "
Done. — Σxplicit 05:26, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]
appeared in concert alongside Knight at age 11 --> Concert/s? and follow MoS by making 11 as eleven (or the opposite) as per rest of the article.
Per MOS:NUM#Numbers, double digit numbers can be rendered in numerals. — Σxplicit 05:26, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Age ain't nothing

After Barry Hankerson signed --> After Hankerson signed (already linked in previous section and that is not so much furhter than the second section.
Fixed. — Σxplicit 05:26, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]
~~12 -> twelve~~
See MOS:NUM note above. — Σxplicit 05:26, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]
~~artist and producer R. Kelly.[9] He became Aaliyah's mentor --> combine for a single flow and undisambiguate --> artist and producer R. Kelly, who became Aaliyah's mentor~~
Done. — Σxplicit 05:26, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]
as well as lead songwriter and producer of the album.[12][13] They began recording her debut album, Age Ain't Nothing But a Number, when she was 14.[11] you can totally combine these stub sentences --> as well as lead songwriter and producer of her debut album Age Ain't Nothing But a Number, when she was 14.[11]
I've reworded it to Hankerson later introduced her to recording artist and producer R. Kelly, who became Aaliyah's mentor, as well as lead songwriter and producer of the album, which was recorded when she was 14. — Σxplicit 05:26, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]
~~MoS compliance of six and 75 as Hot 100 peaks.~~
See MOS:NUM note above. — Σxplicit 05:26, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]
~~Vibe magazine later revealed a marriage certificate that listed the couple, where they were allegedly --> Vibe magazine later revealed a marriage certificate that listed the couple as allegedly~~
Fixed. — Σxplicit 05:26, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]

One in a million

~~yielded "If Your Girl --> yielded the single "If Your Girl~~
Fixed. — Σxplicit 05:26, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]
It also generated the singles "Hot like Fire" and "4 Page Letter" --> Other singles released from the album include ....
I personally disagree with the new wording as it seems rather listy. — Σxplicit 05:26, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Its fine by me. It was just a thought only :) --Legolas ^(talk2me) 06:25, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]
; the following year, Aaliyah was featured on Timbaland & Magoo's debut single, "Up Jumps da Boogie --> wrong usage of semi-colon.
Changed to a period. — Σxplicit 05:26, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]
The song was nominated for an Academy Award --> Problem with this sentence is, it gives the impression that Aaliyah was nominated for the song which is not true. Singers are not nominated for the Oscar, but songwriters and producers. If you can, mention their name and that Aaliyah performed the song at the award ceremony.
Changed to She performed the song at the 1998 Academy Awards ceremony, which was nominated for an Academy Award. Aaliyah became the youngest singer to perform at the ceremony. — Σxplicit 05:26, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Problem again. The new sentence creates the impression that 1998 Academy Awards ceremony was nominated for Academy Award. Here's a thought, change it to something like "Songwriters XXX and XXX received an Academy award nomination in 1998 for Best Original score. Aaliyah performed the song at the official ceremony and was the youngest artist to perform at the Academy awards." --Legolas ^(talk2me) 06:25, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]
I'm not too sure of the wording. Both sources say the song was nominated, but it doesn't necessarily say Aaliyah received a nomination for the song. I'm no English major, but I think the original The song was nominated for an Academy Award… seems more fit. What are your thoughts? — Σxplicit 06:37, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]
This BBC link states that "Journey to the Past" was nominated but Stephen Flaherty and Lynn Ahrens received the nominations. You can add it now. --Legolas ^(talk2me) 06:47, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Taken care of. — Σxplicit 06:59, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Romeo must die

~~radio airplay again.~~
Fixed. — Σxplicit 05:26, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]
The video for the song earned Aaliyah Best Female Video and Best Video from a Film at the 2000 MTV Video Music Awards. --> The music video won the Best Female Video and Best Video from a Film awards, at the 2000 MTV Video Music Awards.
Fixed. — Σxplicit 05:26, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]
It resulted in the aircraft being well beyond the standard weight and balance tolerance provided by Cessna --> Therefore, the aircraft exceeded the standard weight and balance tolerance limit provided by Cessna
Fixed. — Σxplicit 05:26, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]
~~from an inquest conducted --> from an inquest, conducted~~
Added. — Σxplicit 05:26, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Posthumous

released posthumously --> released as a posthumous single.
Changed. — Σxplicit 05:26, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]
including Honey (recast to Jessica Alba);[65] Some Kind --> wrong usage of semi-colon, not the same idea or flow.
Changed to period. — Σxplicit 05:26, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]
Ultimate Aaliyah is a three disc set which comprises a greatest hits audio CD, a second audio CD which includes music from the Romeo Must Die soundtrack and songs by other artists on which Aaliyah is featured, and a DVD.[68] --> Please try chopping it up.
I just summarized the contents into Ultimate Aaliyah is a three disc set, which included a greatest hits audio CD and a DVD.

--Legolas ^(talk2me) 06:30, 7 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Thank you for the in depth review! I hope I resolved all issues. — Σxplicit 05:26, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]

We are almost there! --Legolas ^(talk2me) 06:25, 9 September 2009 (UTC)[reply]