Talk:1968–1969 Japanese university protests/GA1
The following discussion is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.
GA Review
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Reviewer: Vami IV (talk · contribs) 14:33, 7 July 2021 (UTC)
Done, 
Fixed, 
Added, 
Not done, 
Doing..., or 
Removed, followed by any comment you'd like to make. As my comments are addressed or rebutted, I will cross them out, and only my comments.If I have demonstrated incompetence or caused offense, please let me know. –♠Vami_IV†♠ 14:33, 7 July 2021 (UTC)
Lead
[edit]Students initially demonstrated against practical issues in universities, and they eventually formed the Zenkyōtō in mid-1968, which they fought under the banner of.
Fought whom, when, and why?
Done Changed to "to organize themselves".
In Nihon, protests were less driven by ideology and more by pragmatism (due to the traditional and conservative nature of the university).
For this sentence, I recommend "At Nihon", as "In Nihon" sounds odd, like Nihon University is a time or state of being rather than a place, and using a comma rather than parentheses to separate(due to the traditional and conservative nature of the university)
; the rule for parentheses appears to be for language notes.- Done Done. Removed parentheses, comma wouldn't really work, changed to "At Nihon".
From then on, the movement spread across Japanese universities, [...]
I recommend "spread to other Japanese universities", as "across" implies an organic, living quality to the universities.- Done Done.
In January 1969, the police besieged the University of Tokyo. However for a time, the fall of the University of Tokyo led to renewed fervor from students at other universities, where protests continued.
Have you tried combining and condensing these sentences?- Done Changed to "In January 1969, the police besieged the University of Tokyo and ended the protests there, which led to renewed fervor from students at other universities, where protests continued."
Origins of student activism
[edit]The Allied Occupation of Japan from the end of the Second World War to 1952 brought with it significant changes to Japanese politics.
The words "with it" are redundant here.- Done Done.
The JCP's main target groups from which they hoped to draw voters had among them students, [...]
Could use some rewording: "Among the main groups the JCP hoped to draw voters from were students,".- Done Done.
[...] (codified by law in the 1949 National School Establishment Law).
Could this be fitted into the prose? Was the higher education expanded by the passing of this law?- Done Changed to "The higher education system was also expanded through the 1949 National School Establishment Law, which led to local higher education institutions being consolidated into national universities, ensuring the existence of state-supported universities in every prefecture."
Same for[...] "Bund" (from the German name of the Communist League of Karl Marx's time).
and[...] (representing Japanese trade unions).
- Done Addressed. Changed to "Some of the student leaders of Zengakuren, for example, split from the JCP to form the Communist League, a Leninist group known as the "Bund", who took their name from the German name of the Communist League of Karl Marx's time" and "the Sōhyō trade federation representing Japanese trade unions".
The rise of left-wing sympathies among students led to the creation of the Zengakuren, a socialist student organization formed in 1948. Zengakuren grew out of a 1947–48 protest against a hike in university fees led by student supporters of the JCP. Under Zengakuren, the student movement had a banner to rally under.
I advise condensing this, since the second and third sentences say what the first does but with more detail.
Not done I don't really see a way to do this as of right now, and the first sentence acts as sort of an introduction/topic sentence.
In 1960, the massive Anpo protests against renewal of the Treaty of Mutual Cooperation and Security Between the United States and Japan (known commonly as Anpo) were carried out by a broad coalition of left-wing groups that included the JCP, the JSP, Zengakuren, and the Sōhyō trade federation.
Ordering this sentence such thata broad coalition of left-wing groups that included the JCP, the JSP, Zengakuren, and the Sōhyō trade federation
comes before the protest itself will better set up the rest of the paragraph.- Done Changed to "In 1960, a broad coalition of left-wing groups that included the JCP, the JSP, Zengakuren, and the Sōhyō trade federation representing Japanese trade unions carried out massive protests against renewal of the Treaty of Mutual Cooperation and Security Between the United States and Japan".
by deceiving themselves that they were against the war and believing that they were the heralds of popular democracy.
I feel like there is a missing word here. Did you mean "deceiving themselves into believing", or a different combination?- Done Added "into believing".
Initial skirmishes
[edit][...] seen as 6 years [...] and the expulsion of 4. [...] use of 2 billion yen [...]
Numeric values from zero to nine are written out (MOS:NUMERAL), generally.- Done 6 and 4 turned into six and four. 2 billion yen left there, as it doesn't break MOS:NUMERAL.
A fight on February 19 between a tutor and students (caused by the controversy over internship reform) [...]
Another note to work into the prose.
- Done Removed parentheses.
[...] led to the punishment of 17 people [...]
Who were these people, and how were they punished?
- Done Changed to 17 students. Punishment method not mentioned if I recall correctly.
Is Yasuda Hall the same building as the one in the photograph for this section?
- Yes.
[...] the students moved to occupy Yasuda Hall in June.[30] The University of Tokyo decided to take measures to take back Yasuda Hall. However, this led to outrage amongst the student population, which re-occupied the hall and called a general strike.[30]
If these are both from the same source and page, the first in-line citation is unnecessary.
- Done Fixed.
(known commonly as Nichidai)
This name is not used again in the article.(known commonly as Tōdai)
similarly doesn't come up in the prose, but is useful for understanding one of the external links at a glance.
- Not done This is for further reading - some sources refer to the universities as Nichidai and Tōdai.
- Fair enough. –♠Vami_IV†♠ 10:43, 12 July 2021 (UTC)
Zenkyōtō and spread of the movement
[edit]However, talks broke down in the same month, restarting the violence on campus. It was at this time that the Zenkyōtō slowly began to lose control to different organizations.
I recommend combining these sentences; it is better to be specific (as the next sentence is, beginning withIn November, [...]
than to be vague.- Done Changed.
On the streets, students were also making moves – October 21 (International Anti-War Day)[44] saw the Shinjuku riot happen, when thousands of students entered Shinjuku Station and created chaos, [...]
I recommend rewriting this sentence to create one like the sentence in the lead that mentions the Shinjuku riot.- Done Changed to "Thousands of students entered Shinjuku Station on October 21 (International Anti-War Day) and rioted"
[...] which in turn led to the police using more force, and even beginning to assault occupied campuses.
This comma can be removed with no loss of prose quality.- Done Changed.
What is the relevance of the Gewalt Staves, in the final paragraph? Are they carried by student leaders as a badge of office? There is missing context here.- The Gewalt Staves were carried by students in general as a weapon. I don't really know how to clarify this - the students just carried them around.
- Clarified. Changed to "fought with".
- The Gewalt Staves were carried by students in general as a weapon. I don't really know how to clarify this - the students just carried them around.
Decline and fall
[edit]At the beginning of 1969, the students were hopeful that they would hold.
Hold what?- Done Changed to "hold out against the police".
Writer Yukio Mishima [...]
It may be worth mentioning Mishima's politics here, for context.- Done Added "nationalist".
[...] the end of the weekend saw the police entering the roof of Yasuda Hall, [...]
"entering" is, I believe, the wrong word here. In the most literal sense, the police here are doing the opposite of entering something by (I assume) taking control of the roof; they are leaving the building. I recommend "the weekend ended with police in control of the roof of Yasuda Hall,".- Done Changed.
Factions
[edit]The Chūkaku-ha criticized Kakumaru-ha for being petite bourgeois.
"as being" would be the neutral way to phrase this – "for being" gives the accusation the air of truth.- Done Changed.
Philosophy
[edit]Andrews likens the [...]
Introduce Andrews in the prose here.- Done Introduced as "scholar of the New Left"
Legacy
[edit]The waning influence, power and public image of the left, as well as increased police involvement, [...]
I recommend "police scrutiny" here. "involvement" implies, well, involvement in left-wing politics beyond shutting down protests.- Done Changed.
Roland Barthes even [...]
Who?- Done Added "philosopher and semiotician".
Images
[edit]The photos from 1968 are marked "Own works" by their uploader, which is unlikely. They do not list a source or rationale for usability.- Offending images have been removed, and an NFCC image substituted for the infobox and lead.
GA progress
[edit]Inspection shows no copyright violations. –♠Vami_IV†♠ 14:34, 7 July 2021 (UTC)
Good Article review progress box
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The discussion above is closed. Please do not modify it. Subsequent comments should be made on the appropriate discussion page. No further edits should be made to this discussion.